Hello from a new member

[DorKul]

Not sure how to start this... I've been looking around the web for somewhere I can talk, since I am so far away from just about everywhere... spent some time looking over the other posts on this community, and it looks real, so this is me. Never been clinically diagnosed with mental problems, but depression runs in the family and I've had my share. Been to psychologists in the past, but these days I don't have the money to spend or the opportunity to look for anyone good.

Maybe I just need to vent about my upcoming visit to my family (which consists of sister, brother and two sons). I chose to leave them all about seven years ago when I decided to go and live in India. This decision was (and still is) accompanied by huge feelings of guilt, even though both sons were pretty independent when I left. Been to visit them occasionally, and now I'm going because the younger son is getting married - to a girl I like, thank god. My older son chose a girl that I can't stand, a few years ago, and my relationship with him has become unbearable since then - a relationship that used to be one of the highlights of my life. Another relationship that completely bombed out was what I had with my sister, who used to be my best friend, and with whom I am now barely on speaking terms.

So these days, I can't help but wonder if that move seven years ago was really such a good idea - and then - what difference does it make, since what's done is done, and the only direction to look is forward, right? But, my mental background being what it is, I still wake up every morning (or the middle of the night, being insomniac on top of all the above) wondering what exactly would happen if I just took a huge handful of sleeping pills. Then I think - well, not just before the wedding, but maybe after. I pretty much spend most of the time trying to fight tidal waves of anger, grief and guilt.

So here I am, not looking for anyone to give me sage advice (I know all the "pat" answers anyway), but really, really needing some support, or understanding, or just plain caring.

Thanks for letting me vent.