obsessions or something else?

[jazzfuzz]

The first obsession I remember was regarding the incredible jealousy I had with a girfriend and about our troubled, cheatful relationship. The paranoia was so bad it made me decide to leave her for a while. Could not stop thinking about her with somebody else, bringing up a lot of anxiety.

The relationship ended quite badly leaving me hurt, so that I had no other relationship for over a year. After this period I had few dates but the sexual part of them was often a disaster. Then suddenly during a very stressfull period of my life, I started analizing the situation and slowly, putting pieces that seemed logical together, I came to the conclusion that I was gay although I had never been attracted by men whatsoever. I was in my mid 20s and the world collapsed on me, I was goind crazy, anxiety, panic, depression, couldn't think of anything else. I was trying to avoid situations that could make me think about it, even a single word could take my breath away. This went on for several months and eventually, with some medical help and great changes in my life, I slowly came out of it. Had other relationships and things were going quite well, although the homosexuality bug never really disappeared. In the meantime I developed intense fear of flying and obsessive jeaolusy. Now I'm in my late 30s, live with my wife since almost 10 years but looks like things are back in the same way.

Almost a year ago, after months of great stress and unhappiness for work and family issues, I had a little breakdown and became obsessed with illnesses. Again great anxiety, depression, no sleep, really thought I was going crazy, must have seen tens of doctors. It took few months to get out of it and then the obsession, with an unexplainable logic, returned to homosexuality. In my entire life I have always liked ladies, never been attracted to men but somehow I'm in this struggle again since few months. I find myseld constantly talking in my head and trying to understand if this is just denial or just another sick obsession. I look at men and I feel a punch in mys stomach, afraid that I might feel or sense something and it seems like my mind is more concentrated on men than wemen now. I immagine sexual encounter and feel unconfortable. I'm totally confused, anguished. I even shared it with my wife as I could not hide it anymore and because I love her so much. I feel guity and contstantly looking for confirmations. Life has become a nightmare, it's my first thought in the morning and the last at night. months ago I decided to put myself in the hands of a psichiatrist and I'm currently taking anafranil which has helped with anxiety but not with the obsession. Next month I will also join a CBT.

I hope I will receive some word of encouragment and eventual comments, suggestion, opinions.

Thanks.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Jazzfuzz and welcome to our community,

Of course, I do not know you but, despite that fact, I would venture to guess with some confidence, based on what you have written, that you are NOT homosexual. Believe me, you would not feel punched in the stomach when you saw men if you were gay. No, I have an educated hunch that you are extremely, extremely anxious and that the strong anxiety gets in the way of relationships with women, especially the sexual part of relationships. Typical of obsessional thinking, you started to try to convince yourself that you must be gay. This thinking has further increased your anxiety and worry.

I am pleased that you will be starting CBT and, based on results I have seen with it, I believe it will help you a lot.

You know, obsessional thinking is based on lots of anxiety. Depression often goes along with it, too.

Can you tell us more about yourself?

Allan

[jazzfuzz]

Dear Allan, many thanks for your attention. I've been looking for reassurance for the past months but unfortunately nothing seems to work, ao at least for a short time.

You are correct, I can become extremely anxious and have always been this way. This causes also insecurity (or viceversa....). It's hard to get out of the idea that this is not real but just a sick game that my mind is playing with me. It's becoming unconfortable even to go out as I start testing myself, so do I like men or ladies? why m I looking at that guy? do I fancy him? no, but it must mean something....only the sight of a male naked body makes me feel unconfortable..I try to immagine sex with a men and does not turn me on but only gives me and unconfortable feeling. I just repeat myself that I've been in denial for 10 years, but again I think at my 10 happy years with my wife and say, so do I have to leave all of this behind? I'll be more than happy to give you more informations about myself but would not know where to start.

Jazzfuzz