I don't know how much more I can take!!!

[paula]

I have suffered from Manic Depression for 13 Months now severly! I don't know how much more I can take of feeling the way I do? After trying to take my own life and not suceeding last July 2007, I am seriously thinking of trying it again, but only this time I will make sure I do a good job! I took an Overdose last year only to be found by my son, who called the Medical Services. I spent 2 days on a Medical Emergency Unit and was then transferred to a Physiatric ward where I spent an other 2 weeks. I was allowed home on condition that I carried on seeing the Crisis Resolution Team, morning and night for a further 2 weeks to see how I coped. I was assigned a Physiatrist which I saw every week for the first 6 weeks and now see every month. I am on Medication - Mertazapine and diazapam. Not long after I was allowed home I started having Memory Problems. I could remember past events but was struggling to remember recient events inc: Dentist Appointments, Doctors Appointments, Employment Appointments and started to worry me a great deal! I just didn't know what was going on? I was so confused and frustrated that I whent to see my G.P. He took blood of me to test for various things e.g. Thyroid, Diabetes, Kidneys, Liver, Cholestrial, everything that they can test you for. The test results was fine apart from my Cholestrial was up. My G.P. then referred me for a M.R.I Brain Scan and the results from that came back fine. He has now referred me to see a Phychologist which I am waiting on an Appointment to arrive through the post. Since all this has occured I cannot sleep, I'm lucky if I manage to get 3/4 hrs sleep a night, I'm Anxious all the time, I cannot relax, I feel as though I'm on a different planet, a lot of the time. But some time I feel as though I'm normal if that makes any sense! I'm picking on my son all the time for no aparrent reason. I'm looking for faults all the time so I can have a go at him and I can see that he's loosing patience with me. I sit here praying that this way of living will go away someday but I know myself that it's not going to be in the near future. I've got no friends because I won't allow myself any. Even my family don't bother with me and I don't know what to do? I can't handle this any longer! I know I'm driving my son out because he's warned me that If I don't change then he will leave me then I'll be alone for good. I'D RATHER DIE THAN BE ON MY OWN! This life is not meant for me. I'm a walking demick. I know with the feelings that I'm having that it won't be long now before I do something. I just can't understand why I'm feeling like this and my blood test and M.R.I. Scan coming back fine. there as got to be something wrong with me to carry on feeling the way I do. Suicidal all the time. There's positive thoughts going around in my head all the time like how to kill myself and what preperations to make before hand. I just don't know what to say! I don't know why I'm posting this message really. I suppose it eases it a bit knowing that I can express my feeling to a lod of strangers that I don't know and never even met before. But I've got to talk to someone and it's unfortunate that it's you lot that is getting the ear ache of me going on about my problems. I know it's a Mental Health Site and I guess it's because I know that there's not only me that is feeling like this. I know that I'm talking to people that UNDERSTAND! I mean REALLY UNDERSTAND! Not some one saying that they understand when really they don't. How can they if they havn't been there. You've got to know where I'm coming from to understand! The feelings that I'm having. The depression that I'm suffering along with the Stress and Anxiety, not to mention the Suicidal thoughts that I am frequently having and losing controle of. I feel like chopping my head of and having a new one put on instead. I just want to live NORMAL like 90% of the population do live. But they always say that there's a 1% of a retard born every minute and I have to be that 1%. WHY ME! Any advice on this situation would be more than welcome. Paula x

[serenitynow]

Paula,

You are being so hard on yourself. Your pain is real, so you are not the 1% of persons who have lost their minds, as you read in those statistics. We, here, do understand, and are looking for support from one another. I used to believe that over 90% of people have "normal" lives, too, but now I believe we all have our demons to fight. Unfortunately, our illnesses are not visible and much of society doesn't understand that depression is real and a very heavy burden to bear. Only those who experience it can truly relate. We have to lean on each other and ask for help. I am trying to do that, without being too excessive, because people can easily tire of hearing others' miseries. So, do something you feel is important or productive so you feel better about yourself. We really are our own worse enemies. But you know what I noticed in these postings? We are all so sympathetic and understanding of one another and we really are trying to be supportive of each other. So we beat ourselves up, and then try desperately to help other who have similar needs. We can't be all that bad, can we? We are here for each other.

[Anonnymous]

Paula X,

I too have been anxious at times. I too have tried suicide and from time to time have those feelings of self destruction. If you fell you cannot control those feelings you need to go to the emergency room. I have had panic attacks and sometimes my head seemed like it would explode from the many racing thoughts. If you continue to prepare in your thoughts it will not be long until the thoughts manifest or at least that was how it was for me. I also discovered that I could manifest good thoughts as well, so when I start to have not so good thoughts I try and focus on good ones. If you can how about trying to keep a journal of your thoughts, it may help you to organize your thinking process and provide you with a resource that only you would understand if after your recovery you begin to have those thoughts you can review your journal and find how you recovered the last time and how you progressed. When you experience your anxiety attacks try to focus on your breathing, in doing so it will help calm your thoughts.

Besides the medication I have to take I practice meditation in my garden. Sometimes focusing on my actions while tilling or pulling up weeds, which I have found can grow in your mind as well, and sometimes I just set and clear my mind of all my troubles so I might better realize the true nature of my thoughts.

You are not retarded, you are a unique person, one of a kind, there can never be anyone like you. If you have a belief in a higher power, as I do, consider that you and your son are here for a purpose which might not be visible at this point in your lives. You should be proud of your son for his concern for you, for it is a reflection of the love you have given him. Try not to be critical of anyone , if you have to say something let it be in a constructive way for we are all human and as such prone to mistakes and wrong assumptions. It takes a lot out of the people in our lives that support us through our times of trouble, please try and be kind.

Our journey through life can be the most wonderful or the worst experience imaginable. The key is imagination. I have attempted to give you some insight on how I manage my depression. I have great days and not so great days. We can only live in the moment and at this moment I feel good and would encourage you to try some of the things I have mentioned but keep in mind that what works for me may not work for you. You will need to find your own path and you will discover that is what makes you unique.

Before you do anything rash go to the emergency room and always know that there are people who care about you and love you and life has worth.

[Natalie]

Hi Paula-

Both Anonymous and Serenitynow have given you some great suggestions. I'd like to underscore that calling 911 or going to the nearest emergency room asap if you are currently feeling suicidal is very important. The people there are trained to help you deal with these sorts of feelings, and can get you hooked up with the help you need.

I also encourage you to read our articles about suicide by clicking here They can give you more practical suggestions about how to deal with your feelings, as well as let you read about why these thoughts and feelings happen in the first place.

Please get yourself the help you need. And keep reaching out to us as well.

[paula]

Hi Anonymous, Serenitynow and Natalie.

First, let me Thank each and every one of you, for your understanding and kind thoughts. It was much appreciated I can tell you!

I'm sorry for going on but that is how I feel and I've tried on several occasions to try and forget about everything and every one that cause me heartache, but to no avail. It's like a bad nightmare that keeps popping up from time to time. I,ve tried to Meditate, relax, even isolated myself. Not that there's anyone to isolate from apart from my son. I just want these bad feelings to GO!

Do you know what I did today? I thought of my son today instead of thinking about me all the time! You see, everytime I move or go in the garden, my son is not very far behind, Keeping his eye on me. He doesn't know that I can see him. I thought, what kind of a life must he be having? Having to watch my every move incase I do anything irrational. I know he loves me and I love him with all my heart, but can you understand where I'm coming from. He shouldn't have to do this and before it's said I know he wants to do it or he wouldnt be here would he?

Getting back to the point! What I did today was broke my heart in front of my son and told him how SORRY I was for causing him all this concern. I think that is one of my problems, not expressing my feelings. I try and bottle things up. I only let my son see certain things. Things that I know he can handle. I don't want to burden my problems on him. He's 21yrs old. I know he's hurting like I'm hurting and I know it must be hard for him because it's damn well hard for me! I told him that I was SORRY and I don't mean to be cruel or bad explaining, that it feels at times like i'm fighting the world on my own sometimes. I have asked him to be a bit patient with me, to try and understand these negative thoughts that I am constantly having about the downside that life is having on me. We have come to an agreement that If I feel like doing anything irrational or life threatning, I would consult with him my thoughts so I can get help before it's to late.

I have an Appointment with my Physiatrist on Friday morning. I am going to explain the way that I have been feeling this last month. You never know, he might try me on some different medication. Offer support in forms of these groups that I could attend to help me talk about how I feel and not bottle things up like I am doing now. It's my own fault! My Physiatrist offered me Counceling and asked if I would like to help out at these Internet Cafe's that is specifically run by Volunteers who are under Mental Health and I refused! I suppose I could talk to him and ask if the offers still open. Tell him that I've had a change of heart?

Do you know that I'm talking like this over the net now, infront of strangers and find it rather easy to write my feeling down, but trying to say them is a different matter. On every occasion of every visit with my Physiatrist, I get that worked up that as soon as I enter the room, The sweat pumps out of me excessively. I get so embarressed but no matter what I do, I just cannot help it. I don't know why I do this but because I am sweating, I can't look him in the eye. He must think how rude of me. Also, I plan what I want to say to him and a word just doesn't come out. To be honest, no sooner I get in there and I can't wait to get out! I panick and get all anxious. I can't even remember most of the time what he's gone on about? I just can't seem to focus on having a conversation with him.

After seeing him I start to think why? 'Why didn't I say this and why didn't I say that?' I then start to punish myself, thinking 'Well Paula, If you'r not going to help yourself then how can you expect other's to help you!' If I could only just get through with seeing him and not getting all anxious and panicking all the time then maybe I could try and move on instead of feeling like I'm stuck in a rut all the time.

I am going to write my feelings down. On every occasion of seeing my Physiatrist, he gives me a mood chart that I have to fill In the following month and hand it to him at my visit. It explains how my moods been on a day to day basis. Grading my mood on a 1/3 severity. 1 being that I coped and 3 being that I was suicidal. Also, in this chart I have to fill in my anxious state and my panick attacks, on the same basis as above giving it a grading of 1/3 depending on the severity of it. I have to put down what medication I am taking and how many a day that I'm taking. I even have to put down how many hours sleep I get in a night, when my period's start and finish and weigh myself ot the 28th of each month. I have a comments page too. I write on this my moods state and if there's any reason why I'm more depressed one day than the other by giving reasons e.g. arguing, G.P's appointment when I can remember? Dentist Appointment etc, etc.

If I'm honest, I must say that I feel a lot better after reading your reply's. I am beginning to feel a part of this community, once again. If only you all knew how much this has meant to me? I cannot Thank you all enough! I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunell, FINALLY! I will take one step at a time and take every day as it comes. I can't do any more can I? I'm just so sorry that you are all so far away. Me being in the U.K and you being in the States. I would of liked to of met all of you, one day! but it's not exactly on the door step is it? You see! I am getting better. I'm thinking of the FUTURE!

Take care! Feel free to email me on paulacooper44@googlemail.com ANYTIME!

Love Paula x

[Guest Megan]

Hi Paula! Yes getting support can greatly help. People do care. I know that for me I don't have the strength to go it alone.

I noticed in your first post that you are taking Mirtazapine. That is also known as remeron. I used to take that also. When I took it, I gained 12 pounds in two weeks because I could not control my appetite! But once I quit taking it, the problem went away. I looked on this Medline Plus page on the NIH website and it said this about the drug:

You should know that your mental health may change in unexpected ways when you take mirtazapine or other antidepressants even if you are an adult over age 24. You may become suicidal, especially at the beginning of your treatment and any time that your dose is increased or decreased. You, your family, or your caregiver should call your doctor right away if you experience any of the following symptoms: new or worsening depression; thinking about harming or killing yourself, or planning or trying to do so; extreme worry; agitation; panic attacks; difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep; aggressive behavior; irritability; acting without thinking; severe restlessness; and frenzied abnormal excitement. Be sure that your family or caregiver knows which symptoms may be serious so they can call the doctor when you are unable to seek treatment on your own.

I journal all the time and it helps tremendously. Yes sometimes it is difficult to communicate when in a bad state. My therapist is happy to read anything I bring to her, but I usually read it to her now. Please don't let your doctor intimidate you! He is there for you, not the other way around! When I was in my teens and twenties, I couldn't talk to my doctor hardly at all. He said once he would get bored and then start to talk about himself! ha! But he was just trying to get me to talk!

You know what? Your writing here is going real well, I bet you could just print out the pages you have written here already and let him read them. Just a thought.

Also, I've taken anti-psychotic meds that have helped me tremendously. They organize my thinking and also is used as a mood stabilizer. Be forewarned that most in this class can cause weight gain.

I hope to hear from you again soon! Stay safe!

[Anonnymous]

Hi Paula X,

I'm glad your mood has improved somewhat from earlier to day, that's the way moods are. After awhile you will gain more experience in controlling your moods instead of your moods controlling you.

I think you sharing your posts and your journal notes with your therapist is a great idea. It will help you both but more importantly it will help you most.

If you are not accustomed to meditation it will take you some time to progress to the point where you will begin to notice changes in the nature of your thoughts. It too is a process much like therapy whereby the results may not be readily felt or seen but over time has a cumulative effect.

There are many people here who understand what you are having to cope with and can offer many suggestions as to what might work for you. It is apparent that you seem to benefit from open discussion and I would encourage you to continue your posts.

When feeling down always remember that there are people who care what happens to you.

[serenitynow]

It is so important to remember that WE ARE NOT ALONE. There truly are people who want to support one another as we all struggle through our lives. I hope that each day we overcome a personal crisis that we can come back stronger....

[Natalie]

Hi Paula-

It's so great to hear the optimism and hope in your post. Hang on that feeling as you work on your moods, thoughts, and behavior. It won't be easy, but it can be done.

I would also like to point out that, for most people, a combination of meds and psychotherapy (usually cognitive behavioral type) is the best treatment approach for depression. If you have the option of getting involved with a psychotherapist, I would put that at the top of my "to do" list.

[paula]

Hi, Again, I would like to thank you all for your support. It really has helped! The mention about Medication. I have been on Mertazapine and Diazapam for Thirteen Months now.

I know what you mean Mindy about the weight gain. My G.P. did show a sign of concern when he requested that I have several Blood test done. I have put on 2 stone since first taking the medication. I couldn't understand at first why I was putting the weight on, as I hardly eat anything. You know yourself that when your depressed the last thing you want to do is eat? Well I don't.

Do you know, that I had no idea that my weight gain was down to my Medication. My G.P. didn't even mention anything to me. Thanks Mindy for informing me, at least I can sort my weight issues out now. However, I am under a Dieticion at my G.P.'s Practice anyway.

Regarding the Mertazapine. My dosage is 45mg every night. Even after taking this, I am still only managing to get maybe 3/4hrs sleep at the most. The strange thing is, Is that I would of thought that the loss of sleep would eventually catch up on me some day but it isn't. What I mean is, even though I only manage, lets say 4hrs sleep a night. That upon me getting up that I am never tired. Like I said before, this has gone on for 13 months now, and even when I'm Severly Depressed I am constant on a high. Is that normal?

I have noticed some odd things though while I've been taking Mertazapine. For instance: about a month ago, I went with my son to get a bit of shopping in at the local Supermarket. When we got home and I was unpacking the shopping to be put away, There was 4x tins of dog food in with my shop. I asked my son why he had got some dog food when we don't even have a dog? He replied by saying that he didn't put the dog food in the shop trolley and it must of been me. I couldn't understand why none of us had noticed it when we was packing the shop in bags. Then my son kindly informed me that he had in fact waited outside for me and he didn't even come inside to help with the shop.

On other occasion's, I swear blind that I am not making this next bit up. I have gone to bed, turned the light off and just getting ready to fall asleep and I've felt the other side of my bed go down as if someone is getting into bed besides me. I have a Memory Foam Mattress, and also have a Double bed to myself. I don't know whether it's my mind playing tricks on me or what! But I just lie there, still. I'm even frightened to breath incase it's a Ghost or something. That has happened sooooo many times, that I get to the stage that I'm frightened to go to bed but I make myself go.

I have not told anyone about this only my son. I don't know whether I'm loosing it or what? This is the reason why I have not told anyone incase they think that I'm loopy and they come and section me and put me in a Physiatric ward for 6 months. Honestly, it really is scary. I'm getting goose bumps just thinking about it.

Also, when I'm walking up the street or something. I keep thinking people are talking to me. When I ask them what did they say? Them replying that they have not spoken a word to me. The best of it is, that I don't even know these people.

There's deffonately something strange happening in my head. I was never like this before I suffered with this Manic Depression. I just cannot understand why my M.R.I. Brain Scan has not picked anything up. That is whats so frustrating!

Natalie, you mention something about getting involved with a Phychotherapy. I do see a Physiotherapist on a weekly basis. But that is to do with the pain that keeps occuring in my lower back. I might be reading in to this wrong but in the U.K. A Physiotherapist is some one who you go to see if you have had problems with your Muscles, Bones etc. They try and get your muscles working back to normal as near as possible, that can be achieved.

In the U.K. A Physiotherapist has got nothing to do with your mental state of mind. It's a Physiatrist (shrink) or a Phychologist that deal with your brain. I appologise If I've got the meaning of the message wrong that you left me, but on reading it I thought, what has a Physiotherapist got to do with my Mental State of Mind.

Well I will close now as I've got to get things ready to see my Physiatrist in the morning and to be honest, I'M NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT! It wouldn't be to bad if the weather over here wasn't so damn clammy an hot. It's not going to help my anxious state one bit! I will keep all of you updated on my Appointment when I log in tomorrow evening.

Thanks again for everything, Natalie, Serenitynow, Anonnymous and Mindy. You all have been a pleasure to talk to. There should be more people like you lot, then the world would be a better place to live in.

Take care!

Loads of love, Paula xxxx

[paula]

:confused:Hi all,

Like promised, I am informing you all of the outcome of my Appointment with my Physiatrist that I had this morning.

I got up this morning after not sleeping a wink, due to the facts of the stress this lot is having on me and meeting my Physiatrist. When I arrived, my Physiatrist invited me in to see him and discuss my previous months events.

I entered the room and just sat down when he asked me what was wrong? I couldn't believe my ears what I was hearing. I sat there and thought, how does he know that something Major is bothering me. I havn't even opened my mouth yet!

I sat there with a rush of persperation joining me as usual, trying to find a way of telling him about my negative thoughts. I had been thinking about this question all night. I memorised the answer over and over again in my head, so as not to look such a fool when questioned about it.

I explained the issues that I was having regarding my Depression. Also, that I had took a lot of anger and frustration out on my son who didn't deserve this!

I explained about these thoughts of Suicide that I was getting and feeling. That the more frequent times of having these thoughts, that the less I was feeling in control.

He asked me whether it would be a good idea for me to go back in hospital again? Implying that if I was having frequent thoughts of killing myself, then infact I was proving to be a danger to myself, and the only way to try and get these feelings in control was to spend some time back on the Physiatric Ward where I could be closely monitered.

Well that was it, I flipped! I broke down in tears and told him that I didn't want to die, but felt like I had no say in the matter if things didn't change. I asked him to explain to me, why he thought that admitting me back on the ward was going to prove anything apart from monitering me and having me on 15 mins obs.

What I needed was for this depressed feeling to go away. the last thing I need right now in this time of my life was to be put back on a ward that I feel didn't do anything for me anyway.

He said his main concern at the moment was my Mental state of mind. That being in hospital that I was being looked after and cared for by professional people who knew how to deal with these kind of issues.

I told him NO! and if he couldn't help me then I would find someone who could! He asked me if I was interested in Councelling? I told him that the way that I feel at the moment that I was willing to give anything a try as long as it helped me and gets me back to living in reality liked I used to live many moons ago.

He also sugested that I take some form of sleeping tablet to try and make me sleep. Again, I refused.

In the end, we came to an agreement that I won't be hospitalised, nor put on sleeping tablets but had to agree by letting him put me on the highest dose of my Mertazapine (45mg).

I don't know whether this will help my situation, but my Physiatrist seems to think it will and hes'e the professional here so I'm willing to give it a go. Time will tell.

I'd like to thank everyone who was concerned with my post, and keep up the good work. It's been a pleasure to know that there's people who do care out there and hope that I can be of some assistance to you all some day in the future.

Take care!

Love Paula x