Going into Manic/Mixed state

[Electrum]

My diagnosis has changed more than a few times, but at one point I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 with mixed states and psychotic features. Now my diagnosis is up in the air again but I do still experience some pretty long and dramatic mood swings. The depressions are hardly bearable, the manias have a tendency to progressively ruin my life, and even with the mania's I'm still in a mixed state (manic but still with depression) so it's like I don't even get the euphoria all the time with it. Luckily I've never been really all that suicidal (no more than just thoughts and self harming,) but each time I go through a depression or mania they seem to get worse each time.

Since I was weaned off my meds (lost insurance) I've been slowly going down into a depression. Yesterday it was the worst it's been in a long time. My depressions last months. Probably most of the year, with maybe a month or two being extremely bad. Then my mania's seem to last 1/3 of the year or maybe even almost half (the last one was the longest). Occasionally I feel "stable" but that does NOT last long. And I have had a rapid cycle a few times but normally it's the long cycles.

Anyway, I've been really really depressed. Like, thinking about suicide which I don't like to admit because it makes me feel weak, but I've been thinking about it more. And the weird thing is that the suicidal thoughts are different now which has taken me off guard (yes sadly I'm used to depressed thoughts which actually comes in handy in recognizing what is and is not valid thinking). So, "normal" suicidal thought for me goes something like this, "I am a failure, I might as well die. There's nothing left here for me I might as well move on. I can't stand being here, etc."

Ok but this current depression mode I'm going through is freakin' weirding me out. I think it might be partly because I'm starting to experience mania at the same time very soon or simultaneously with the deep depression and that's just really screwing with me. But I don't know I'm not a psychologist I just analyze my brain all the time trying to figure myself out lol.

So sorry for the derail; my current suicidal thoughts are more like, "All I want to do is see my show on Monday, and make it to the Megadeth concert in August, then it doesn't matter anymore I can go."

Of course being a rabid Megadeth fan the other side of my brain rebuttals with- but.. but! but! Megadeth comes out with a new album, like, every 3 years man! Then I'm like, awww, you're right optimistic self. I'll live- for now.

Joking aside it's worrying me because I'm even imagining things like... just killing myself right after the concert. Or even in the parking lot afterwords. It's just weird I guess because I've never thought of a set TIME to kill myself. Like, basically after August 19. I don't have a plan or a way, I just keep on thinking of the time frame.

Aaaand THEN, as if this is the only alternative to killing myself, my brain can't stop obsessing about hitchhiking transient style (which I've never done before). Like, I just want to leave everything and everyone including my family and just GO. I don't even know where. Well I have a few places in mind but like, I just want to go go go go. I feel this energy building up and it's hard to explain it because "energy" doesn't really do the job, but it's like this longing to leave everyone and everything and be on the road. I don't know wtf I'd do once I got somewhere or if I'd even want to stay in one spot for more than a day but I just have this intense urge to GO.

Whenever I tell people about this urge to travel they say, "Oh I perfectly understand." So maybe it is kinda normal, but I just feel like this unsettling feeling I have that makes me want to run is just not right. Like, I just want to say F it and go, party it up, meet people, and just travel. (It's good to note that normally I am NOT a social person!)

The feeling is so uncomfortable, like a seething energy building up, that I just feel like it's going to boil over soon resulting in yet again another erratic decision most likely made in a manic state. This time it has to do with travel... the past few times it wasn't with travel but I definitely did damage to myself in all sorts of ways. I might post my other manic episodes some other time... but I just feel one coming on I think and it scares me.

Do you guys think that the thinking so much about WHEN to kill myself counts as a plan? Like, if it gets close to that time or around that time and I still feel that way I should maybe go to the hospital? That might be a stupid question but I'm just not familiar with suicide "plans" so I'm not sure if that constitutes as one.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Electrum,

If you live in the United States there is still medication and help available to you. About the UK, I know much less but I believe there is help there too. Here in the U.S. you could start to get help at the local hosptal emergency room.

You know, the specific diagnosis is less important than you getting back on medication.

Allan