My husband is in rehab

[smile]

I found out in June that my husband was addicted to crack. We have a daughter who will be one on Wednesday. I was devestated but not totally surprised. I knew he was up to something, for a long time. I finally had proof of is lying and I kicked him out. That's when he told me about the crack. I had an intervention for him the next day and he was off to rehab. We have really good insurance and his parents paid for anything additional. He is still at rehab in Anaheim, we are from Colorado. He was doing really well while he lived in the rehab house. He was embracing the program, and while agnostic, he found ways to find a spiritual outlet through meditation. He seemed hopeful about our future and positive about his sobriety. Since he has been at rehab he has apologized to me for all of the lies and leaving me alone while I was pregnant, not contributing to the baby, his lack of interest in me, we have had sex six times since he found out I was pregnant, and his overall moodiness. But he has never given me straight answers about why he did all of this to me without any consideration for my feelings. He blames his addiction and thinks that that should be enough. He claims to love me so much...blah blah blah.

He then moved to structured living and finally the sober living house. Since he has been in structured living he has been volunteering at a job two days a week, he can't work because he is on disability from his current job. He gets seven dollars a day from the treatment center. His rent is included in rehab and so is his dinner. He asked me to send him a credit card on the sly. I wouldn't do it. His counselor said I could send it to her and she would give it to him for necessities. Naturally, when he got his hands on that card he took out $250 in cash,and maxed out the $750 limit in five days. When his direct deposit came in he did online banking and paid off his credit card balance. He then maxed it out again, and he took out $150 in cash.

When I ask him why he is spending so much money he gets very defensive and says "it's my money. I can do what I want with it". Basically, I am his wife but I have no right to ask him about his spending. (we do keep our finances seperate for obvious reasons). He hung up on me when I pushed the subject. I am concerned that he is not learning anything at rehab, that he is using or gambling, and that he is manipulating everyone there. His lack of general respect towards me has returned.

I called his counselor to TELL ON MY HUSBAND, so ridiculous, I am now "the enemy".. She was very concerned that he had managed to spend $1200 in four weeks, with no bills, and that he had taken out cash. I know they test for drugs but not every day. I also told her that I do not want to let him back in the house, because nothing is changing. I do not want things to go back to the way we were. He was so mean to me, emotionally abusive and vacant. He has zero respect for me and he doesn't care that he makes me so sad. I have decided to take control of my life and I refuse to be his victim any longer. She said I should have called her sooner and that they would have a talk with him. She also said they would discuss his future living arrangements wih him and feel him out about our impending seperation. I haven't talked to him in five days. I am sure that he is furious with me, but I don't care. I did it for his own good.

I am curious what you all think about the situation. What do you think he is doing. Does it seem like rehab is going to take? Is our mariage doomed? Why does he hate me so much, is this an addict thing? BTW, I am not a saint. I have done my fair share of drugs, but changed my life when I found out I was pregnant and have never looked back. The baby is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Thanks for your input.

-S

[mrsdz]

I know exactly how you feel and what you are dealing with. My husband was a cocain, crack, heroin addict. I spent many years of my life trying to fight his addictions. You name it, I tried it. Treatment, talking to him, kicking him out, locking him out, hiding money, and so so much more. I dealt with most you described and some more. I was treated how you described due to his drug use and only with his drug use. I was guilty for sometime of enabling my husband without even knowing it. I didn't open my mouth about what he was doing in the begining, I was keeping secrets and so on. He no longer is doing drugs and still seeks treatment after many years of being clean.

The large sums of money your husband is spending without accounting for is very suspicous. That is how I always knew my husband was at it again, I noticed the money not being accounted for.

I feel you did the right thing by telling the counselor just what has been going on. When you see him doing things like that or catch him in lies, let him know you know. As far as him "hating" you, this very well may be solely due to the drug use, most likely because you are not going along with drug use and you are "telling" on him.

Now here comes the hard part. He is not going to be or stay sober just because you or anyone else wants him to. He has to make the choice all on his own. There is no telling if rehab will work for him unless he is serious about being sober.

As far as your marriage is concerned, there is no telling. You are the only one who knows just how much you can take or just how much damage has been done. If you are willing to stand by his side until he is ready to be clean. He will have most probably a lifelong battle with this drug. Being open and honest, staying strong for him when he says he feels like using, listening to him and helping him through it. I'd like to say your marriage has a good chance at surviving once he makes the choice.

[xenophon]

smile,

at this point, there is little that you can do, except to protect yourself.

You cannot, at this point. do anything to help him.

As for the future, the issue is in doubt.

Weigh your options very carefully, and act to protect your child and yourself. That is paramount.