Buttons Posted August 3, 2010 Report Share Posted August 3, 2010 I have been in a commited relationship for over 8 years and I am recently engaged. My future husband is probably the most supportive and patient person that I've ever met. I feel that I can tell him almost anything. What is concerning me lately is my lack of sex drive. I have spoken to a therapist about this, but we did not have the chance to discuss it in detail. I have not spoken to my partner about most of what i will say here.I have issues with being touched. Even in a friendly way. I feel like people are in my space. When it comes to sex, I often feel violated afterwards. I feel like things have been performed against my will even though they haven't. I've cried during and after sex on occasion and it has left my partner baffled.The problem is, I have always lived with the fear that my mother would hurt me sexually. Now when it comes down to sex, those thoughts pop into my head. I picture myself being sexually assaulted by her, or worse. Let me just say, my mother has never touched me in a sexual way! But yet I am paranoid that she would.After speaking to my therapist, we started brainstorming some reasons why this might be. My mother had children to make friends. Essentially, she raised us to be her best friends and not her daughters (I have one sister). She spent our childhood using us as a shoulder to cry on. Her and my father do not get along and never have, and she would vent to me all the time about how terrible her was. She basically turned me against him until I could figure things out myself. The problem is, she would even go into great detail about her sex life with my father. She would tell me what he would do to her and how she didn't like it. She told me sex was terrible and painful.On top of this, she was always very affectionate. Almost too affectionate. In fact right now I avoid her because I don't want to be touched. She had always (up until a few years ago) kissed my sister and I on the mouth. She often plays with my hair or strokes my skin, all of which makes my skin crawl. Another issue is she likes to walk around naked in the house and expects everyone to be ok with it. As I child, she encouraged me to be naked and was upset when i decided not to be naked around her anymore. She tells me she loves me so much and that she wishes i was born ugly and hideous so that no one would love me and she could keep me all to herself. I have distanced myself from her. She has complained that i don't give her "good kisses" on the mouth anymore and that I'll only give her a little "peck"...in fact now i don't kiss her at all. Long story short, she is very manipulative and I have never felt like I was my own person and I always felt like I was her possession.I have never experienced actual sexual abuse from my parents (although my therapist believes I may not be telling him everything...I have repressed a lot). My grandfather put his hand up my shirt a few times as a child, but i do not consider that a contributing factor.I'm not sure what i'm looking for here, maybe just for someone to listen. It hurts me so much that I can't make love to my fiance without feeling like I've been violated afterwards. He is a gentle and patient man and does not deserve this. But I can't "fake" my way through either, not without damaging myself....I just don't know what to do anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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