Wanting to get inside?

[Josey]

HI, I'm new here, but read another thread here asking about transference issues and it dealt with issues that I am dealing with currently. I am in therapy and always want to know about my therapist. I'm in pyschoanalytical therapy so self disclosure from my therapist is a big no no, but I still have the urge to want to get inside her and find out all about her, I have a fantasy that I'm invisible and watching her in her non professional life and I do feel somewhat ashamed of this but that doesn't stop the "wanting" too. Does anyone here have any ideas why one would be that curious about someone? Of course I am not that curious about other people in my life because the intimacy that happens in the theraputic relationship is different to just ordinary friendship or work collegues. Any amatuer diagnosis??? hey or even a professional diagoniss LOL, I guess I could just cut-the-crap and ask my therapist why I feel this way, but I'm to shy too.

[paula]

Hi Josey

I've just read through your post, and it started some alarm bells ringing. I didn't know anybody else suffered with these thought's, like me. I thought it was just me?

I too, thought like you. But my thought's was with my Solicitor. She was Female like me and I couldn't understand why I was feeling like I did? Not sexual or anything, I was just curious!

This is going to be a long post but I feel that if I explain from the start, then you can tell me if it is the same thing that you are also dealing with? By the way I have never mentioned this to anyone!

It all started when my previous Solicitor, left the company. I was in the middle of a dispute, with my ex-employer. We had looked into filing for Court Proceeding's when she informed me that she had got herself another job at a different Solicitor's. That didn't bother me really! All's I was bothered about was finding a Solicitor to act for me?

I got in touch with an Advice line, who put me in touch with a Solicitor's company, that accepted me as a client.

After an Appointment was made, I went to see her and explained my situation. She looked through my notes and gave me some positive feedback. The Solicitor that I'd had previously, I thought was a waste of time. So to hear some good news for a change, instantly, put this new Solicitor in my good book's.

It was the first time in ages, that I started to think positive! I started to email her on a regular basis, regarding the progress of my case. I attended a few meeting's with her which after a while, I got the impression that she was more than a Solicitor acting for me, she was also a friend!

Because I suffer with Manic Depression, I had day's where I was very low. On these day's, I would ask her permission if it was alright to express, how I was feeling, and because I felt that I could not trust anyone, did she mind if I tell her how I was feeling, that by doing this, did in fact help to lighten the burden that I was faced with. She said she didn't mind at all and anytime that I felt low, That I could email her, to get what I was feeling off my chest.

I did this on a few occasion's. Then she emailed me and asked to see me. We arranged a time and day for me to see her. I didn't think anything off it and thought it was to see me, concerning news to do with my Court Case.

I went to meet her as arranged. She told me she was very concerned about the information that I had disclosed to her, regarding my feeling's on my depression situation. She said that the information that I had disclosed on how I was feeling, should be discussed with my doctor.

I had told her how I felt. Explaining that on some day's I felt Suicidal, and thought that everyone and everything was against me. She said that she thought that I was getting a bit deep with my thought's.

She informed me that with her being my Solicitor, that she should really get in touch with my doctor and inform him of these email's that I had sent to her, about the information that I had disclosed. I told her then that if she did that then, she would lose my trust. She also implied that if my doctor did read this information, then he would have me sectioned!

It was a short while after that, I think a couple of week's, that she informed me that she too was leaving that firm of Solicitor's to go and work in a different County, and a different Solicitor's.

I was GUTTED! I felt that it had put me back to rock bottom! She explained that it was a better paid job, which I understood. She informed me that someone else was taking over my case and that he was very nice. I told her that I didn't want anyone else taking over my case, as I felt that I could not go through the same scenario of having to go through the same rigmarole of explain from the beginning again, to yet another solicitor and now it had happened on me twice with a change of Solicitor's and I didn't think that I could cope with it again!

She said that where she was going to work, she would inquire and ask if there was any chance that she could carry my case over with her, if I asked her too. She told me that she was off work for a week before she started for this other Solicitor's and promised to call me, the day she started working for this new solicitor's. She told me not to mention anything to my present solicitor's as she could be breaking her breach.

Again I was full of hope and counting the day's till she rang. I knew she was on Face Book because I'd checked her profile out. Well, her part of profile that allowed anyone to look at. I tried to look into her private profile but it wouldn't allow me unless I was a friend of hers.

So I written her a message, asking her to do her best to carry my case over with her. Also, requesting to be her friend on face book so as to allow me to have contact with her.

A couple of day's went by with no reply. I thought that maybe she hadn't received it so I sent another one. Again, I never received a reply. I didn't think anything of it as I thought that I would mention this when she phoned me as promised.

You've guessed it, no phone call ever made. By this time I was so annoyed! I had put my trust in her and she had let me down! It was then that it became an obsession to try and find her. I went on friends reunited, looked at all the post codes for her area, and even tried to look for her address. I kept going on various websites and typing the information that I had on her but all these websites wanted paying for their information and I just couldn't afford it.

Even now I go on Face book, and I know that she must of got my messages because she has updated her profile. I have since sent a few friendship request, but nothing has ever come back to me. I even thought it was a plot, telling me that she had gone to work else where, just so she didn't have to deal with me. I watched the solicitor's where she worked, where I am still at, to see if I could see her coming and going, but I never did.

Do you know that I can't explain why I feel like I do with her, maybe it's because I told her thing's that I trusted her with. I don't know? What I can say is that these feeling's to find her, is not in a sexual feeling if you know what I mean? It's not like I'm falling for her. Them sort of feeling's have never entered my head. If they had, then I could understand but they haven't. So I don't know why I feel that I've got to track her down, but I know I won't stop till I do!

Does any of this ring a bell to you? Your feeling's I mean!

Paula :confused: