I'll die alone...

[Kokoko2]

Hi, I'm new in here, although I've been reading some of your posts from now and then.

You know?, as many of you, my live has been a really hard journey, again, as most of you, the size of my penis has become a real problem for me, and it has already started to infect many other aspects of my life and myself, yet, this isn't the only or the worst of my problems, but it is indeed the only one I'm here to talk about.

In order for me to explain myself, I need to talk you about my body. Although I consider myself a man, I wasn't born completely as a man. I didn't really have a defined genre to begin with, I'm what you could call an intersexual. I've been through the changes of adolescence and early adulthood already (I'm almost 22 years old), and by now, my body has already reached a point of relative stability, I mean, as my grade of intersexualism was (or is) very high, I was bound to suffer some really bizarre experiences through the course of my early (and not so early) life, but by now, as I said, I'm "kinda" stable.

I look almost completely as a normal man, my muscles, stature and voice are like the ones of any other guy. The scars of my breast removal are way too notorious (I don't know why, but I used to remove the scabs and skin every time they regrowth, oh well, I'm not complaining about it anyway), I have (to some extent) the internal reproductive system of both, man and woman, but they are equally underdeveloped and deformed, in other words, none of them works. Some doctors tried to find a way to remove my womb (I have an ovary also, no fallopian tube, it's directly attached to my womb), but because of it's position and form, it is not a possibility. Of course, I'm sterile.

Now, my real problem, my external genitalia. I have penis and testicles, but they are also very underdeveloped, and deformed; well maybe the are not "THAT"deformed by now (I had a surgery to made them look less shocking, although they're still not a nice view), but the size is the same. To make things worse, although certainly not impossible, it is kinda complicated for me to achieve erection. My mother told me I was also born with some sort of structure resembling like some kind of vaginal lips or something like that, but they were easily removed when I was still I baby, and those scars are almost invisible.

In a sense, you could say my problem is not as bad as yours, why is that?, well I don't have, I mean, I just can't have the same concerns as you, let me explain.

First off, I may be wrong, but I think one of the top problems of people under our condition (and I'm talking only about penis size, as my internal reproductive failures can't be seen at first glance), is our position as, and, in comparison to other men, the idea of them being more virile, more attractive, and just plain better than us, (Of course, I'm not saying this as a true, I just think is something most of us thinks about at least once) along fear of the ridicule from other men (and women), finding about our situation. Well I don't know why, but I just don't really care about other men knowing about my problem. I admit, it has always been a bit painful, but, despite the mocks and laughs, things like shower in front of many other guys like I used back at high school or, by any reason, being naked in front of other men, just doesn't affect me, I even surprised myself laughing at some of the jokes they said about me when I was already alone. I could easily show my penis to any men out there without fear or real concern about the inevitable ridicule and pity. Of course I'm not going showing my parts to anybody out there. Although I don't think I could stand the same if we were talking about women, I think I would not be able to stand their pity and repulsion toward me I guess.

Now, other thing that make things easier (and, maybe, at the same time, sadder) for me, is that, another great problem for, again, people like us, is, or so I believe, our virtual impossibility of success, or even participation inside the glamorous and pleasuring world of casual sex, we're men after all, and in the end, as any other men, we love sex, and it is something that just seems to be way so far from our grasp. Well, this is not a problem for me, as I'm physically asexual. I don't have any kind of sexual or carnal interest on women, or at least not as intense as any normal men. It's true that I love women, they're beautiful, I would love to touch them, but because of my deformity, I just can't feel pleasure from the orgasm, I just feel the contractions and, well, that's all, no pleasure, not at all. You could say I have never felt an orgasm, and I will never be able to. Many people say the orgasm is one of the best things on life... well, I don't even know how the hell is that supposed to feel, so, as I said, I don't have any kind of interest on being someone sexually active. I would love to have female friends nevertheless, but there is nothing sexual. So, unlike you, and as sad as it may sound, this is not a problem for me.

Now, my real problem and concerns are all about the impossibility of a serious relationship. I may not care about sex, but I have been in love many times, and I've always ended running away from this persons because of the fear of being rejected. I know a relationship is not only about sex, but I just can't stop asking myself, why would a woman be with me when she can find any other men with a normal penis out there so easily?, I can give her love, attention, trust, loyalty (In the end I'm asexual, I would never cheat on her) and all that sort of things, but, although maybe not that easily, she would be able to find all that in other person, she may sooner or later find a man that may love and give her as much as I would plus a normal penis. I'm asexual, but I understand perfectly the importance regarding sex in sane and normal people, I would try my best to keep her satisfied, everything I could. I know of course, sex is far from being just a matter of solely penetration, the sexuality is a whole world, there's the love, the attention, the contact, the pleasure of the mutual game, the kisses, the voice, the mouth as a whole, the eyes, the hands, the fingers, the caress, the flesh, the hair, the feet, the imagination, the creativity, the toys (only if she likes them), and a big etcetera, but in the end, I think, without a penis, or with a penis like mine, it's all just a dead end. I would even let her have sex with whoever she wants, but then again, why not to find a suitable men from the very beginning instead? ...

Well. I'm kinda sleepy, and I think this post is already kinda large. You know?, I don't really expect any kind of help or advice from you, I just happen to feel a little less lonely being around people, that, maybe if they don't care about my problem, as they have plenty of their own, sadly, I know at least they understand it to some extent. See you later I guess...

By the way, I'm sorry if I made many mistakes, my english is not as good as I would like to...

[Luna-]

Welcome to the forum, kokoko2

I think you have come to a good place; I hope you will feel so too. In an online support community what matters is that we are all humans and all struggling with one or other issue in life. And I know for myself, once I felt that I was accepted just as I am (by people I didn't know but who were real people sitting at real keyboards, and whom I then got to know) I felt more able to accept myself and then felt more confident to be who I am and follow my goals in the world.

So pull up a chair and make yourself at home.

[flander]

My cat is my best friend. I can't have a dog because I'm at work or away too much. It sniffs my breath every so often when I'm sleeping to make sure I'm alive and wakes me up when I over sleep. It's more reliable than my human 'friends'. If you don't have a pet, getting one can help.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi KoKoKo2,

Welcome to our community. I hope you become a regular participant. I get the impression that you are not depressed even after all you have been through. Is that correct? Also, have you been treated with hormone therapy along with your surgeries?

Flander, I agree, pets are wonderful companions.

Allan:)

[Kokoko2]

Hi.

Well, yeah, although I've been through a lot, and as I said before, not only physically, I'm not someone very depressive, It's just that, I've finally achieved a point of relative stability in my life, all of my problems seems to be finally receding and now, I mean, things like my body (yes, I had hormonal therapy for a while, it helped me a lot), my extreme case of OCD, my social anxiety disorder (and I'm not talking about being shy, I'm talking about the kind that gives you panic attacks, faints and almost heart attacks) among others -yeah, I would like to know in what kind of drugs was my mother during her pregnancy - and now I'm kinda re-entering normal life. But I'm feeling a little out of place, I mean, sex is way so important in almost every context, it is everywhere, and that's just a game I am not invited- or so that's what I tend to feel sometimes.

Anyway, during the time I wrote my last message I was kinda depressed, and I just wanted to open myself a little in order to feel a bit less stressed, I thought it was going to be the beginning of a very long road downhill and I wanted company, but right now, I don't really feel so bad. Oh well, I guess I'll be around here anyways, see you later.