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Boundary Violation


getting there
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This happens to me all the time and am struggling to work it out so far with no success and its really getting frustrating...: I hardly fall in love, when I do its with guys about 20 yrs older than me, that don't exchange the same feelings. Though the rare times they do and we start to get intimate, all the romantic and loving feelings fall apart, and leave this obsessive thought: "but does he really like me, or is he pretending to like me in order to have sex?" I feel used, I stop trusting them and reject them since I get too suffocated by these issues. All this in the time span of 1 week! :)

I know that there must be an underlining issue here, but it seems that when I let someone enter my boudaries I regret it even if they don't act in a malicious way, I just change my mind and feel: "this is too close, better go for cover, so leave me alone... Yes I liked you until 5 minutes ago, not anymore, please leave".

I've thought them all: attachment issues, too much isolation, or whaterver else. Though even if I eventually figure it out, how can I change such cognitive comprehension into changing the way I feel in this experience? I can't just tell myself: "ok, I feel this because of that..., ok, but nothing changes".

Its really difficult and sometimes I think all my effort to work this out is not getting anywhere.... really need to change...

Any suggestions? :confused:

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Gettingthere,

Have you considered psychotherapy for yourself? It could really help you figure these things out and learn more satisfying coping skills.

My thought is one of two possible problems, although there could be others than these two. Tell me what you think:

1. You were hurt in the past and guard against intimacy to protect yourself. The hurts could have occurred during childhood or, you witnessed your mother or father getting hurt???

2. You do not like yourself, believe you are a fraud and, if you get into an intimate relationship, your partner will see you under your mask and will hate you...that is what you fear???

Any ideas and does any of this "ring a bell?"

Allan:)

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Well, I've been in therapy for 11 years, for depression and prolonged self isolation, got much better 2 yrs ago since I started to go out with friends and feel what it means to enjoy those small but intense moments in life,:), though intimacy seems to be the last difficult stone I can't seem to get out of my shoe.

1. I think I could have been influenced by an explicit desire of a family member to get "closer" and more affectionate with me (between his outbursts of rage) when I was 11, but I never gave him a chance so it can't really be defined as abuse (I called it "avoided abuse"). As an adult today I just get alarmed when I feel eyes staring at me communicating this intimate desire to get close. I'm always on the watch out. What I don't understand is how to decouple and discriminate that weird and untrustful people exhist but also trustworthy ones. When I filter and hang around with the latter I still seem to trust them only on the surface,...

maybe I'm afraid to misinterpret the signals and mistake a nice cat shelter with a wolf den... but if so then the problem lies in my ability to discriminate between safe and unsafe relationships and to account for the riskiness there is in every day life?

2. It may also be so, in the sense that I believe that, as some people do, I put a mask of "good functioning" and hide wrekages that may lay behind.

Don't know, I was just thinking out loud, confused, maybe I'm asking too much from myself.

Thanks your interesting and useful insight, maybe I have all the reasoning and answers in my head, but don't seem to call back the fear when I am facing life...

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