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BDSM, i think


TechMage
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Ok, i recently started seeing a new girlfriend (first in 4 years, woohoo!). It's all still new and exciting, and we've been quite active in figuring each other out sexually.

One thing she told me is that she'd like me to "dominate" her. It didn't really sound like something of appeal to me, but after she explained what she meant in more detail i agreed to give it a try for her sake. She explained to me some finer points of what she liked, and i proceeded to call her all sorts of derogatory names whilst being rough with her and "forcing" her to perform various sexual acts.

She seemed to really enjoy it, and thanked me afterwards. The problem i have is that i enjoyed it more than i should have. I'm aware of various problems i have, hence why i signed up here, but i really didn't expect one of them to be that deep down i'm a violent, rapist scumbag who hates women.

I really like this girl, we've made a real connection in a short amount of time, and i'd like to fulfill her every fantasy, but i don't know if i can do that again. I didn't even know that side of myself existed, and i really don't like myself at the moment. Is there anything i can do to stop myself being this person? I've read that inflicting pain on myself (rubber band on wrist, not serious self harm - don't worry) whenever i have related thoughts can train me to dislike these thing, does anyone have any experience with this?

My immediate plan is to pretend i didn't like it so hopefully she'll be happy to not do it any more.

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Hi TechMage and welcome to the forum. :)

Please don't for a moment think that an attraction to BDSM equals "a violent, rapist scumbag who hates women". This is simply untrue.

The credo of BDSM is "Safe, Sane, and Consensual''. Were you doing anything you had been asked not to do? From what you describe, it doesn't sound like it. Therein lies the difference. BDSM is simply a variant of sexual activity and it involves tremendous respect and care, as much respect and care as in any other sexuality. It's a twist to get your mind around that at first, but think "consenting adults", "respect" and "safety" and you'll be able to adjust to seeing it as an alternative form of eroticism. There are extremes, as with anything, but you'd be surprised at how common some form of dominance and submission is, in loving relationships. It differs vastly from violence, hatred, rape and sick perversions. It doesn't imply that you aren't a loving and caring, stand-up guy. The fact that you are shocked that you might like this and think it is not acceptable to do such things to someone else, shows that you are a decent person and not a "scumbag" who doesn't care about the other.

There is a trio (I forget their names) who wrote a book called Different Loving. It is an interesting read if you'd like a rather more cerebral discussion of the topic.

Edited by Luna-
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Thanks for the reply Luna, i'm feeling a little better about the whole thing now than i was.

The thoughts in my head during the acts were pretty far removed from what i'd describe as respect and care, but i do know that i respect her and care for her a lot, which is quite confusing. I probably just need to get my head around it like you said.

I understand the rest of what you wrote though, it does make sense. I know that i didn't do anything she didn't want, and that she trusted me in the first place to keep control of myself and not get carried away. This at least tells me she feels safe with me and knows how much i care for her.

Rather than avoid the issue, i discussed it with her, and she explained i was experiencing something called "top drop", and simply knowing that what i am going through is common enough to have a name helps. We're going to try some proper roleplay so that i can be someone else, which i think will help me feel better about the situation. We also have a "safe word" now, so i can be sure i won't go too far with her.

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