How do I make it stop

[Hellion]

I just need to get things out and helpful input would be appreciated...anyways it just feels like all the issues I have are just building up and making things hell for me. My depression, Anxiety and messed up personality are causing issues with my family.....I feel like even they are out to get me just like everyone else even though I know thats not completely true.

I can't seem to stand my ground at all, when it comes to talking to my siblings who are kind of the only people I have to talk to right now.....there are ways they are helpful and supportive. But sometimes they are wrong about things and I know this but I still feel like they must be right about everything and I am wrong about everything. Not to mention as much as I want to care about them and improve myself so they don't have to deal with my negativity.....I just feel detached and lonely its like I feel like we are miles away from each other even when I am in the room with them. It kills me inside because I want to be close to them but at the same time my issues just seem to push them away. and I want it to stop because its ruining everything.

I also need to go apply for jobs and was planning to do that tommorow(I will still attempt) but I just don't see how I can walk around alone and apply for jobs and appear confident......because I get anxious and paranoid when I am alone in public. And I am just afraid of what will happen if all my applications get turned down because its the only thing I am clinging to......is getting a job so me and my sister can afford an apartment and get out of our moms house. I don't want to end my life, or cause self harm but if this does not work I feel like I'll go over the edge and not be able to stop it. I already sometimes feel like a small part of myself wants me to just throw everything away and wants to take control. that's part of why I keep procrastinating.

I am also confused about whether my family are the right people to help......I am kind of worried that they will blame the wrong things and help me in the wrong ways........but I can't afford to talk to a psychologist about this or anything so I don't know what else to do besides hope they don't make it worse by trying to help.

sorry if that does not make a lot of sense, but im having a hard time thinking about this stuff rationally and can hardly organize these thoughts...I just needed to post this so I could get to sleep and maybe get some outside imput if any of it makes sense.

[Luna-]

Hellion

I'm afraid I have no input but I do hear your pain and just wanted you to know you're being listened to. I know how it feels to just need to post to get things out, especially when they become overwhelming.

[Hellion]

Well I feel a bit better now, but yeah I just needed to get all those thoughts out in the open because they where overwhelming me...As for the anxiety advice that helps some.

I just hate when I feel like I did last night.....because that is not how I really am at all I just sometimes feel like there is no hope and that I am a complete failure and it just randomly happens.

[Luna-]

Yeah, I know those nights of anxiety and despair that grip you so tight the bottom just falls out of your world and you think you're NEVER going to make it or be allright again. At least that's how they have been for me. It's not how we really are, we just lose track of what we know at other times.

I've posted in despair late at night when I can't sleep and I feel there is no way I can do this alone. I think online support communities are spectacular for this. You don't feel bad about waking anyone or bothering anyone with what you say and can express yourself freely and get it out.

Glad you feel a little better.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Hellion,

I want to point out that you put too much of the burden of guilt or blame on yourself. In most cases, families may be well meaning but they are usually part of the problem rather than the solution. In my opinion, they are not the people to help you. You would be better served with a good therapist and good psychotherapy. If needed temporarily, maybe medication would help, maybe not, but you do need speak with someone who is outside the family and who is ofbjective.

The economy around the world is not your fault. Finding good jobs has become very difficult for hundreds of thousands of people, if not millions. In this economy I encourage people to look for and take jobs that they would not take otherwise. If any job provides medical benefits, its worth taking.

You really need to talk to yourself, also, and remind yourself that you are a good person who is just going through a hard time right now.

Can you tell us a little more about yourself?

Allan:)

[Hellion]

Yeah you're probably right about my familly not being the best people to help with these issues...I probably will seek some sort of therapy once i get some things figured out I am planning on moving as soon as I can find a job so I'm thinking I should wait till then so i can find something close. I am kind of distrustfull of medication because I had a bad experiance with anti-depressents and I don't like to have to take a pill every day. I prefer to stick to natural remidies where possible.

I'm not going to go into my whole life story because that would take me all day but to sum it up.....I did not have the best of childhoods my parents where a bit broke, my dad had alcohol problems and they eventually got divorced so that was not too fun......I had my siblings though and we usually got along alright so that was good. As for my early school years I had teachers that where not all that nice and I was picked on a lot because I was a bit different according to people. I was also used to hearing teachers tell my parents they thought there was something wrong with me and I should be put on drugs because I sort of learned at my own pace and did not do all to well in a regular classroom setting.

So yeah by the time I was in highschool I became really depressed because I felt like a failure and like I did not belong and I attempted suicide. I was in counseling for a while but I eventually quit because it did not seem to help all that much. At this point I just tried to convince myself I was over it and believed it for a while and during this time period a girl I knew ended up getting shot at the school which was a bit tramatizing. I still did not want to admit to myself that I could still have problems especially after that.

After Highschool I went to college which I hated my first year of because I had no friends and felt depressed and lonely most of the time so I transferred thinking that would help. It helped with the lonlieness a bit because I had a lot of people to hang out with but I started getting anxiety attacks every time I was in a classroom for more then a half hour. So I started skipping classes and sort of got into drugs more then I should have because I wanted to escape from how horrible I felt....I got to the point where I was tripping on mushrooms like twice a week and at that point I just quit going to class and dropped out. Then I decided that I needed to experiance life to live it and did not really like to be high all the time.

So I left that town and went out to country in Minnesota with my dad and was staying with familly there that did not help a lot because a lot of them are alcoholics and they kind of have this mind set that people just need to be hardened up and then they are fine.......well in my depressed kind of sensitive state this did not go over to well and there where a lot of conflicts. And I found myself drinking beer and smoking marijuana a lot because I was in an isolated place with no one that could really help me at all and had to deal with the pain somehow. So then I came back to colorado soon after an especially bad yelling match.

And now I am trying to get a job and start my life.......that is my priority, its just after so many things not working out and so many failures I have a hard time believing that anything will work out. And sometimes I get overwhelmed by that feeling.