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[Exteme] I might hurt someone!

Guy Out There

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Triggers? Guns have them and so do this post.

Ok ok, i'm upset right now, a few things have fallen into place and i've realised a few things about myself that have seriously made me anxious...

1. I know i am capeable of harming other people, i think about self defence to the exteme, being suspicious of everyone, if anyone even looks at me funny i conciously display 'the body launguage of a violent psychopath', very well it works they stop looking and don't ever dare come near me, but damn it i really really want to bash somebody's head in right now...

During a meeting with my parents (who after they decided to call me mental i cut out from my life mostly), my dad decided he was going to treat me like a child and like someone who belongs in a cell with people throwing peanuts at me... I went 'mad' and damn well picked up a hammer and started hitting him (lightly) on the leg with it, i so wanted to hit him with it and punch him but i just couldn't do that to my family. Had that been someone i didn't know or care about and i might well have seriously hurt them...

Here lies my worries, i'm turing into this violent psychopath, i never used to have violent thoughts or to pick up hammers and start 'getting high' off sawing my own leg with a hacksaw (it made me feel comforted and reassured)...

Do i belong in a hospital chained to the bed with nurses and doctors giving me shocks and then cutting open my head and cutting my brain up?

The *** team called today, 3 fucking weeks after i was supposed to have an urgent emergency referal (thats the NHS), 3 weeks? I've been to hell and back during that time, where were they? I don't give a fuck they tried to treat me before but failed, swapping therapists every fucking week, refusing medication when talking therapy clearly isn't working and i'm getting worse.

Damn it i hate them! They made an appointment a further week away. Heres the other thing, they come to your house and every week they have some trainee with them, i wouldn't mind if they asked but no. Now i'm a fucking exhibit am i? Come and look at 'Crazy old Jack' he has "bizzzzarrr" delusions, would you like a souvanier on your way out? "yes please" [bUIFGIU] theres your souvanieer you crazy bitch, come into my hosue and tell me i need to go to hospital because i'm having delusions. If you actually bothered to listen you'd know i had evidence to prove that certain things i suffer are not delusions.

(If you've made it this far then you are amazing, i'm sorry for the long speech and the regular appearences in this section but i think i really have gone tooo far this time... I just can't take it, the next time i look at that power drill and think "hmmm", 3 years later i'll be in the book of the most unusual suicides, the man who drilled a fucking hole in his head and nailed a cocanut to his leg.....)

God damn it, if you want to know what 'the end' sounds like, you just fucking found it. 39uroie068 too you too.

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Hi Guys, thanks for your comments...

I was angry, so angry when i wrote this. Things just got too much for me and when i realized i was in danger to myself and others i called the police and they took me in to calm me down overnight.

Today i'm still angry and upset about a different matter, family matters. They are not helping, my father acting like a child and my mother being overly emotional, the news of such arguments reaches me and makes me so upset.

Neji, if you refuse to let the trainee in, they get 'funny' with you and don't bother to help you, not only that but you can't help wondering whether your going to be the talk of the office when the trainee writes her essays and exams about you...

Aaron, i'm not usually a violent person, the fact i was hitting someone lightly with a hammer wasn't really the problem it was that the person was my father (who i was also trying to stab with a screwdriver). Thanks for the reassurance though :o

I do have problems that cause me to overload from time to time, i'll do my best not to post in this area again and to keep all rants strictly to the blog section. Sorry if i offended anyone...

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