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Head in a mess and really not sure how to proceed


goobertron
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Dear all, I could really do with some help/advice from people :o, I have

already posted a thread that is linked to this one (http://community.mentalhelp.net/showthread.php?t=5098) but there was a lack of response (unsurprisingly due to the complex nature of the content) but I was hoping to receive advice regarding my frame of mind. I will try to shorten what that thread says.

In simple terms I am pretty sure I have an strong liking/addiction for masturbation which as a guy I know its not the worst thing perhaps but it isn't great. The problem comes over the subject material used for this and it has partly caused a break up with my ex last November as whilst she wasn't unhappy with the principle of masturbation, the subject matter was of concern to her. For some reason, in addition to the usual male fantasies, often played out in 'porn' I have sometimes found myself 'wanking' over people I know using pictures on Facebook and the only reason I can guess for this is the fact that since I have met them they are more real to me?

Now the real problem comes over one of the subjects, which is my best friends at uni's sister who when first masturbating over was 17 and I was 24. Before I go any further I must stress that if I was going to try anything on in real life I would of course consult my best friend. Whilst she is an attractive girl and in principal 'if it was a nobody' it would have been ok but the fact that she is my best friends's younger sister is not great. I did confess this to my ex last November and who was obviously pretty horrified and whilst not directly threatening it, sort of implied that unless I confessed it to my best friend, she would tell him herself. I did confess what I had done to my best friend as I thought that it would sound better coming from me than her. He was, whilst not totally cut up about it, was pretty annoyed about it but it didn't get in the way of our friendship. Now, unfortunately since then, I have found myself, despite telling him that I wouldn't do it again, doing the opposite and whilst not in the same 'quantities' I have lapsed in judgement on a few occasions and part of me thinks now is the time to confess again.

From what I can see, I have three options

1. To confess all (most likely though email) and see what happens (whilst not directly masturbating over a picture of his gf I have also imagined hooking up with his gf which would only compound matters, in addition to my actions with his younger sister). My guess is that he again would be pretty cut up about it and I guess there is a risk he may not want to be friends, which would be tricky owing to the fact that we will be sharing a house together for uni this year. If I confessed all I feel it would be better to mention about my counselling appointment at university which I have in 13 days, and how I am struggling mentally and that whilst I have hurt him, I would hope we could still be friends.

2. To not confess anything to him, which in my opinion would not be great since I have confessed once and it would be double standards. Some people would argue that having fantasies is natural and some things are best kept secret and whilst not great, no harm done as it were.

3. Is to leave things as they are and go to my counselling appointment in 13 days times and discuss things with the counsellor

P.S sorry for the long length of post, I believe that deep down I am not a bad person, I have a few issues that need sorting out and hopefully seeing the counsellor is the start, any help is most appreciated.

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I agree with nejiwhopper 100% I odn't think it is necessary to divulge your fantasies to anyone, including your girlfriend...you are allowed to keep somethings to your self...most, if not all, people fantasize from time to time and to tell of these fantasies would most likely hurt those we love for no reason...fantasies are just in your head, you aren't acting on them. Give yourself a break.

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Hi Neji, I think you are right with regard to talking to the counsellor, she will be best placed to answer any questions or offer proper advice. It is hard to say exactly why I feel it is wrong. In all honesty up until a year or so ago I didn't think anything of my actions and it never affected me mentally. From about a year ago for a couple of months me and the ex began to really struggle and at the end I confessed with regard to my 'fantasies' and for this I am not sure why I did, but it sort of opened the floodgates for me to name one by one the people I had 'done it over' to my ex (including her friends) and of course this was terribly painful for her. My dad who I spoke to at the time, said that from an amateur psychologist :o, perhaps it was my sub conscious wanting to break up with her and using this as a way. Then I was 'forced' to tell my best friend at uni about my fantasising over his sister. It is because I have told him once about my actions that I feel I have to tell him now. I agree that in theory, there is no reason for me to tell him since no harm is being done because of it. It is merely I think, deep down I feel I have let him down, because he is such a good friend. It is hard to explain why I feel it is wrong other than what I have written above, hopefully it is something to go on.

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I fear you are right Neji, the fact that I didn't worry about it before my confession to my ex, I guess that is perhaps why, it shook me up so much hurting my ex the way I did, and now it is lingering around. With regard to what my best friend fantasisies about, I guess I have no interest in it and therefore I should have no worries. I shall speak to my counsellor at my appointment and she what she says, fingers crossed.

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My two cents, you seem like a pretty honest guy to me...you should be proud of yourself for that. I don't know many men that even talk about actual physical affairs they have and yet you are compelled to talk about fantasies/thoughts. I respect you for that but I do hope your counselor is able to provide you some peace in that regard. Sometimes something will 'trigger' me to fantasize about a particular person that I am not even physically attracted to. Best wishes to you.

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