not sure what to put here

[jess25]

Hello.I'm new here and have never posted anything anywhere before.

I actually had a very long post started and somehow I managed to accidentally delete it,so needless to say I am extremely frustrated right now because I had had my "story" laid out pretty well so I'll just try to sum it up real quick.....

I am 25 and a single mother of a 10 month old son named Shane. I recently moved back in with my family even though I have a had a horrible relationship with my mother since I can remember.She tortured me in weird ways while I was little until I was strong enough to defend myself from her.My father worked full time and she was a stay at home mom who did not feel good about herself so she always took it out on me in various ways(physical,emotional).Fast forward....I was in a serious car accident back in dec.2004 which left me with a few metal plates and a lot of screws and unable to walk for 3 months.I have not been able to shake this deep dark feeling since.Between all that,I had a short relationship with someone who ended up being very abusive even after we both found out I was pregnant and one day while I was 7 months along he beat me so bad that I had to get a restraining order and have not seen him since and he has not seen his son.I have no idea where he is(nor do I care)and he family doesn't either.I have somehow managed to push every single one of my friend's away by not answering their calls or not calling when I said I would or just distancing myself all together.There were a few that stuck around for a while but eventually gave up.I loved them all.Still do.But this is something that is so hard to deal with and it never leaves,this horrible feeling.It stays with me constantly. I have never attempted to take my life but the thought never leaves me.Don't get me wrong,I love my son.He is all that I have.I just don't know how to pick myself up.My family is old fashioned and has never dealt with anyone like this and they apparently choose to ignore it or maybe they don't care.Honestly I don't know because even though we live together we do not talk.I know that seems weird. I don't think they believe in stuff like this.What I mean by that is they basically think it is a crock.Anyway,I thought maybe I might meet someone here who understands.I don't know. Somehow while writing this,I have left big pieces out. I am realizing that now but I am starting to get tired.I hope this makes even a little sense to someone. I am at the point now where everyday just feels the same and all I have to look forward to is the end of the day because that means I am that much closer to the end of my life.It's scary.Very scary.I have no idea what to do anymore. Well,I'll check back tomorrow and see if anyone has replied.And to anybody who is reading this...thanx for listening.goodnight.

[paula]

Hi Jess

I can relate to your feeling's very well. Obviously, you are suffering from Depression.

You don't mention wheather you have been and seen a Doctor about these issues? I would sugest that you make an Appointment, and seek Medical help!

These people can advise you on what sort of Depression, you could be suffering from?

You could be suffering from Post-natal Depression? As you mention that you have a 10 month old son.

You could also be suffering from Depression brought on, from event's that have happened of late? The way you was treated when you was pregnant of your ex partner, for example. The way you have had to cope, bringing a baby in to this world on your own? Moving back with your parent's and having to swallow your pride, by asking for their help. I don't know, I'm not a Doctor?

But what I can say is, that abandoning your friend's and becoming isolated, is a sign of Depression. I know, I've done it, and I suffer from Manic Depression.

But you have to go and seek medical advice, and sooner rather than later. For your own good really! You are not going to be able to deal with this on your own. You need help and medication.

The sooner you get this diagnosed the better. For all's concerned! Because without help, you will sink further into this Depression mode, and eventually, it will get that you don't care about anyone or anything, including your baby. What will happen to him then? If your mother abused you when you was younger, I'd dread to think what she could be capable of doing to your son.

I don't know, I'm just presuming, going off what you have detailed in your post.

One thing to remember..... Mental illness isn't anyone's fault, All you can do is accept the fact that you could alway's have it? Treated with medical help it can be controlled. Treat it the best you can and go on. It's not the end of the world, It's just a new start to a new beggining.

Paula

[Mark]

Jess25

Paula's instinct, that you may be depressed, seems likely enough. It's the withdrawal that is the telling sign. that you've withdrawn from everyone. there's no telling where the depression has come from - you've got plenty in your background that is depressing just from the little bit you've shared. It would be a good idea to go to the doctor, a psychiatrist is best, and see if he or she does diagnose you that way.

The good news is that depression is one of the more treatable mental issues around. Some people have good results with antidepressant medication, and that is relatively easy to get. There are some side effects with most of that stuff, however, and you have to be willing to bear those side effects in exchange for the energy lift and the mood elevation that the medicine can provide when it is working properly.

I usually recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (or cognitive therapy - same difference really) for depression, and it is worth looking into. It is pretty widely available and it has been well studied and it is known to be effective in the majority of cases. No side effects but it does take more effort on your part to do the work.

You sound very isolated. I get the idea that the isolation is one of the more painful aspects of your situation right now. Would I be correct in thinking that or is it something else?

Mark