A 2-Yr Struggle

[maria_f]

Hi all. I have an odd situation and I was hoping that posting this might make me feel better.

There is a VERY long backstory to this, but I will cut to the chase.

I met my boyfriend about 6 months after he committed a very stupid crime for which he ultimately went to prison. He accepts what he did was wrong and I am confident he is not a lifetime criminal. I have a whole bunch of other issues related to this situation, but again, I will cut to the chase.

I very, very, VERY strongly believe he is the person I want to marry and he feels the same. He left to start his sentence 9 months ago. We expect that it will last 2 more years and are approaching this situation as a couple, and are planning to get married shortly after he is released. The first several months of him being gone were a lot easier than I expected. Of course it was not pleasant, but I tried to keep myself focused on work and staying busy. But now, I am running out of distractions and it's not going so well. I'm really struggling with the sexual part of this arrangement as well. While I have full intentions of continuing my relationship with him when he is "out," I am finding it so terribly difficult to live my life normally in the meantime.

Not only is there the more obvious aspects of not having my boyfriend around to do "normal" things with like go to dinner, movies, cuddling, etc. But I feel so ugly and unwanted and unattractive because I'm not getting affection or sexual attention. In my mind I think it's unfair because if I was single, I would be out meeting people, flirting, etc. and to some extent I would feel the attention and perhaps affection. But in this current situation, where I have made the decision (fully my own decision) to wait for him because I want to marry him, well, I can't just go running around flirting with people. And it gets very, very lonely, as all my friends are married with kids. I have no kids, I'm on the outside of that situation.

It's really difficult and confusing. On one hand I love him and can't wait for this ordeal to be over with so we can start our life together. On the other hand all I want is someone to take his place. It's a roller coaster ride all day long and it's driving me nuts. Some days I'm perfectly fine and content. Other days I just am crazy. I convinced myself a few weeks ago that I needed to find a "Friend with Benefits" and that maybe that would solve my issue..... but I ended up embarrassing myself completely by asking somebody if they were interested in that and they said no. So not only am I completely humiliated and feeling rejected, I am also feeling tremendously guilty for doing it in the first place......

I hope it's ok I posted this in the "sexuality" issues section. I felt it was a sexual issue because of the very cliche "sexual tension" I am feeling.

Whew..... thanks for listening. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears.....