Mjolnir07 Posted September 3, 2010 Report Share Posted September 3, 2010 Greetings, I have always fancied myself an intelligent fellow, able to separate fact from fiction. I am presently able to discern the difference between reality and the irrational, but lately at times it does take a degree of effort. Over the past three or four months I experienced my first episodes of psychosis, needless to say they were scary as hell, until, out of necessity, I taught myself how to cope with them, these episodes were accompanied by intense and distressing 'intrusive thoughts'. I have since developed methods of dealing with these intrusive thoughts with encouraging success, (see my first posts on the newbie forum) -they're all but eliminated. However, unfortunately, the psychosis has remained, and generally lasts from anywhere between 4 hours to a week, often going away for days or weeks at a time and obviously varying in severity.I'm 23 years old and may have a history of this type of thing in my family, a large number of my close relatives have demonstrated mild symptoms of schizophrenia and heavy paranoid personality disorder. I'm also aware that this time in my life is pretty much the prime age of blossoming for mental disorders of this equation. I will often get obscure, absurd ideas in my head and feel the strong urge to believe in and act upon them, it is through sheer, gut wrenching force of will that I manage to acknowledge these ideas as fabrications of my head, but the temptation to believe them is imminent and overwhelming. These instances, the ones grave in severity, are rare, however, as stated above, I have continually experienced what I have come to understand is psychosis. A frightening, detached state of mind where I don't feel grounded at all in reality and have to resort to heavily drawing from memory to contain my idea of reality at all. This is painful and worrisome but I have accepted it. Here is my dilemma and the reason I come to the rest of you for advice.I am relatively poor, and without the means to seek professional help. I find that talking about it when it happens seems to drive it away for a moment, but the only person that I have to talk to about it (my wife) misunderstands and thinks I'm being a hypochondriac, then pretty much makes me feel like I'm alone to suffer the worst terror of my life, I can't blame her because she has her own trauma's to cope with(we have a healthy and fulfilling relationship otherwise, by the way, just in case that factors in). For all I know she is right and this is a form of hypochondria, something I've had to deal with at great lengths in the past as well. Since I cannot seek professional help and I cannot talk to anyone about it, I'm looking for opinions on whether or not this will degenerate into a state beyond my control, or for opinions on how long I will be able to maintain my present capacity to see through the irrational. I am afraid that I will devolve into a place where I am no longer capable of recognizing that this is indeed prolonged psychosis, to a point where I cannot diagnose myself, I believe that when this happens I will have indeed finally been overtaken by the disorder.A few examples: I am a pagan, for about a decade now when I address my gods, wordlessly "think at them", I receive a response, however, it is always something that I want to hear, and I have long since accepted that this is probably a fantasy that I have designed in my head to provide me with comfort, being that I know it's a physical impossibility; I equate it with talking to myself. Being that this is primarily a spiritual thing I have often disregarded it as harmless, since so many people claim to hear or talk to their God or to Jesus. I have never, however, ruled out that it may be a symptom of insanity or thought disorder. Note that I don't actually 'hear' anything, that I understand it's originating in my head, and that any thought I have to the contrary is recognizably one based on the desire to have faith. Could this be "thought insertion" even though I have the power to recognize that it may be?That is mild, compared to this, this still stands out as my most terrifying psychotic, delusional episode, it was my first- About a year ago it crossed my mind that all things die with time, from this I concluded that time is a negative, purely destructive force against nature and that something malevolent must have created it or is driving it. I instantly recognized that this was an insane thought and that I should do whatever is possible to keep it out of my head, but I experienced a manic, hyper-reality for about two weeks afterward during which I obsessed over the idea, where it felt as real as the sun rising and setting. I had to exert a great deal of effort constantly for days to convince myself that this was an irrational thought and that I needed to not allow myself to follow it. It took a toll on me.The bottom line is, should I begin selling my stuff so I can pay a psychiatrist to diagnose me and seek the professional help that I need?As usual I have become long winded, please offer your opinions if you have them. Though honestly, this was probably more just because I felt the need to let this out somewhere where I won't be made to feel like an idiot for it, rather than to receive a response. Thanks for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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