Rebuilding Communication... Different Styles

[ChasingDreams]

Hi,

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice/experience with rebuilding communication in a relationship when it has really deteriorated. My boyfriend and I had been having trouble communicating for a while. We don't talk much, especially about important things, and whenever we do we just get into a bad fight...

It seems that we both have different styles of talking and listening. He wants to dominate the conversation and tell me when I can speak. To me, it feels like a 1-sided conversation...

I do know that I can't change how he behaves, so I would like to work on my own behavior and hope that bringing out the best in me will bring out the best in him:P I know could use some work on my listening style... I think partly because he has accused and blamed me for so many things I get really defensive and have a hard time sitting through listening to his thoughts without trying to defend myself. But then he feels like I am not valuing his words.. SO I guess I need to figure out how to listen to the sometimes very negative things without getting emotional and defensive or taking it personally. I've gotten to the point where every time he starts to complain about something, I start apologizing, even if it has nothing to do with me>< I guess I'm just used to being blamed for everything. But that's not helpful to assume.

Somehow I would like to figure out how to break my own bad habits and see if I can improve the communication a bit so he feels safe to speak his mind and I don't freak out and then we can work on solving problems instead of creating more... lol

ANyway, if anyone has any advice here, I would really appreciate it:)

Thanks.

[Sweetsara]

Have u tried having him write stuff down so u can read it, process it, digest it and have time to calm down b4 u respond? I know I process stuff that I read much more analytically than stuff I hear. If u r talking 2 me I can be defensive or I just shut down and u get NO reaction. However if I get 2 read it then I can put it down if it upsets me and come back. I don't know if that will help u but it works 4 me.

[ChasingDreams]

Hi and thanks for the reply:)

I like your idea of having him write down what he is feeling for me to read and process before responding. I know I do tend to get defensive and shut down, just as you said. I also have a hard time getting him to hear what I want to say, because he shuts me down, so one time I did write him a letter and give it to him to read. Maybe I'll give that a try the other way around and see if he'll go for it:)