Just remembered something else.

[Buttons]

I'll start by saying that about 2 years ago, I started seeing a therapist because I hated my mother. I figured that there must be some underlying reason that I wrongfully hated her, and that by going through therapy, I would discover what was wrong, and I could have a better relationship with her. Through a lot of discussion and discovery, it turns out I have completely legitimate reasons to hate her, as she has manipulated me my entire life (hence why originally, I figured it was my problem and that she should not be hated).

As I had explained in another thread, I recently stopped going to therapy. I have been misserable every since. I decided to start writing a diary of what was going on in my mind as an outlet for my pain. It seems to have brought a lot of bad memories back, and now i have no one to help me deal with them.

Just now, as i was washing dishes (something i associate with my mother), I remembered her confronting me at several times in my childhood, and telling me not to mess with her because she could break me down if she wanted to. She told me she had the ability to make me feel like " two cents" if I crossed her. I just sat on the floor and rocked back and forth for a while. Really vivid flashback and very hurtful.

I was having such a good day. For the first time in a few weeks i don't hate myself. Now I feel horrible again.

A few friends have urged me to go back to therapy. The reason I stopped going was for two reasons. For one, it is expensive and i'm trying to save for a wedding and to pay off some debt. And second, my therapist told me that he feels I was abused as a child, and i got really scared. i'm not saying i don't agree...I just didn't want to deal with it.

So right now I'm thinking of calling him and saying that i want to come back. But honestly, part of me feels like I have failed if i do that. I told myself that I was going to handle my issues on my own, and I can't evidently. Why do I feel like a failure??

[Luna-]

Hi Buttons, we haven't spoken before.

Why do I feel like a failure??

I would suggest it is because

I told myself that I was going to handle my issues on my own, and I can't evidently.

Are you not taking as a failure, the feeling that you can't handle this on your own? Where is the failure in this? You told yourself this, but that was before these problems arose. Perhaps you could give yourself permission to accept that you did handle some issues on your own, but it's OK to need some help with this now ..?

Also, is there a chance you could have fewer sessions or find another payment option to reduce the cost, that might enable you to do both? Or can you decide to defer therapy and focus on the present for a while, enough to pay off the debt or save a specific amount for the wedding and then return to therapy? Just trying to explore if there are other options than either/or.

[Buttons]

Or can you decide to defer therapy and focus on the present for a while, enough to pay off the debt or save a specific amount for the wedding and then return to therapy?

This was the idea. I had discussed this with my therapist during my last session, that although I could afford therapy, I had to focus on some other financial commitments for the time being. He did express at the time that he did not feel that I should be leaving therapy, but that he understood my decision. He asked me to come back whenever I can afford it.

I guess what I am doing now is weighing the options. Yes, I have debt, and yes I need to pay for a wedding, but is it worth sacrificing my mental health for a while? When I left therapy, I thought so. I really thought I could handle this on my own, with the support of friends, but as it would turn out, things are not going well. I am finding myself more and more depressed.

Of course, the solution is to go back. And my therapist has said I could go less often for financial reasons. And I think that I will do that. But I am afraid to call. I have a fear of judgement, and I worry that somehow my therapist will think that I am weak. Deep down, I'm sure he won't. He had gone to great lengths to prove to me that he will never judge me and that I can trust him, but I have such a difficult time with this.

It does feel like a failure...another thing I cannot accept...however I shouldn't see it so negatively. It's not for lack of trying...I really have tried to calm myself down and use self-talk to make things temporarily better. I have sought the help of friends. Although that isn't working, I did try. So I think in the end I will accept this "failure" of mine.

I have not decided when to return to therapy. I know it will still take me some time to get up the courage to pick up the phone....