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Lynxx
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I am going to describe what I feel are 'problems' I have with my mind and how I live my life, and I would like some suggestions on how to fix them. I am completely lost at this point, before this I had always not cared about what happened to my life and basically said, "fuck it, live for the moment." Now some of the things I have been doing all my life are finally catching up to me and I want to try and sort them out.

Solutions I won't do are A.) going to a psychologist and B.) going to any type of support group or rehab type situation.

I would not, could not, and never have released like this in my real life so I feel that getting the opinion of random people I will never meet may help me.

All my life growing up I have had to deal with living with my single mother, moving from boyfriend to boyfriend (my mother has, and as I got older I have done the same with men and women), house to house, city to city. From the ages of 1 to around 16 I had already moved too almost 8 different city's, and plenty of different houses in those city's. This made things really difficult growing up socially as just when I would normally be getting to know people and make friends I was forced to leave and for the most part never seen them again. One thing I remember that stuck out from my childhood, which makes me insecure to this day with father figures, was one of my temporary 'fathers' beating me with a belt at around the age of 7 or 8. I was hit in the face, stomach, backside, everywhere until my body was covered in welts and bruises. All of this was for swearing. After that I completely lost respect for anybody my mother dated, and even to this day my step father (who I haven't talked to since I was a kid thank god). I told my mother about this but she simply 'didn't believe me'. I also remember having a sexual encounter with the same mans daughter when I was (I think) 9, the girl was at least 12 but I feel as though this made me as awkward as I am around girls to this day. I won't go into detail but we got as close to complete intercourse as possible.

Around the age of 9 or 10 I started smoking cigarettes, drinking, stealing, fighting, and trying minor drugs like weed and codeine pills (vikadins, percocets, etc.) I lived in a extremely poor area and most of my friends were older then me by 4 or 5 years. Although I picked up plenty of bad habits that follow me to this day, I never regret what i did with them. I feel that besides my mother most of them had the biggest influence in raising me to this day. They taught me to stick up for myself and not take shit from anybody. They taught me that it was worth jumping into a fight, even if it was one that your going to lose, just to prove your not gonna be pushed around. They taught me to take at least some small amount of pride in myself.

Around the age of 12 (in a different city with different people) I got my first underage drinking ticket, my first petty theft ticket, and my first destruction of private property. By this time I was drinking regularly. I was also onto slightly harder drugs like Oxycontin, Xanax, Valiums, etc. This was also around the time I started to question my sexuality, which eventually lead to me realizing I was bisexual. To make things worse, at this weird and confusing time someone I had thought was my friend (was a few years older then me) forced my to suck him off. Again, I won't go into detail, but it was a horrible experience. In revenge I got a aluminum bat and hit him in the head with it, knocking him out and leaving him unconscious in the alley way. We never said a word to it again, he never told anybody about what I did to him and vice versa. It was a very akward and uncomfortable period. It was also the first time I had gotten jumped, two kids holding me against a chain fence in the school parking lot while the third kicked me in the stomach. After they were bored with that they threw me to the ground and kicked me in the mouth, before spitting on me and leaving. At 13 I had sex for the first time, it was awkward, uncomfortable, and a generally negative experience. This was also when I got my first bout of depression, which follows me on and off to this day. Anxiety was also starting to rear it's ugly head at this point, something I am also still dealing with. At 14 I had my first assault charges, not to mention many misdemeanor tickets. I was serving community service most of that year. At 15 I was completely anti social, only hanging out with people to get more drugs and go to partys. I was snorting pretty much any pill, had done cocaine, had snorted heroine once, excstacey twice.. I had a girl that tried to help me, get me away from the drugs and bad influences. She finally gave up on me when she realized I wasn't changing.

At 17 I was doing more drugs then ever, pills regularly, binge drinking, smoking a pack a day, psychedelics whenever I could get them. I never picked up any harder drugs but the pills were getting to be a problem. I had also come close to dying, having had taken a bunch of pills then drank afterwards. I was throwing up blood into the toilet and eventually got to a hospital, where they told me my liver had temporarily shut down and dried blood had built up in my stomach until I threw it up. Not a good night. I felt awkward around everybody, violent all the time, constant paranoia. Paranoia and Anxiety had always been a problem through out my life, but now they were at their worst. Thought projecting was and still is a very big problem with me, I feel as though everybody can hear what I'm thinking. Whenever I was alone I thought every person I walked past was going to jump me. The few friends I had left at this point I would go on and off from clinging onto them for dear life to completely abandoning them for weeks at a time, ignoring calls and secluding myself to doing drugs and hiding in my house.

Right now I'm pushing my way through a minimum wage job, still snorting oxycontin when I can get it and binge drinking. The smoking hasn't gotten any better, and like the rest of my life I've never been able to hold a girlfriend or boyfriend for more then a few weeks. I am to much to deal with. I am also so numb too violence at this point that nothing bothers me. I have done so many horrible things to people, probably ruined so many lives. At one point I was getting into fights over someone looking at me too long, snapping over nothing. I really just don't know anymore, I feel directionless and lost. It's almost like my entire life has been a bad dream that I'm never going to wake up from. I don't pity myself, and I know that the situation I am in is all my fault, I made my bed and now I'm gonna sleep in it. But if there was any other way I'd love to know it.

This has turned into more of a rant then anything, but if anybody can think of something I can do to help sort my life out it would be appreciated.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hello Lynxx,

This is how you started your post:

Solutions I won't do are A.) going to a psychologist and B.) going to any type of support group or rehab type situation.

Consequently, how could we possibly help you? Immediately you are stating what you will not do.

Allan:confused:

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Lynxx: I don't pity myself, and I know that the situation I am in is all my fault, I made my bed and now I'm gonna sleep in it. But if there was any other way I'd love to know it.

There is another way but it's hard. Fortunately, you've demonstrated that you have the ability to go through hard times and still live.

It doesn't sound like formal therapy is something you're open to at this time. That means, you'll have to make use of informal therapies -- things like reading books or making use of online forums like this one. Do you have access to a library? Do you enjoy reading? What about regular computer access?

Meantime, where do you think you should start? Where do you want to start? What is it that you most want and how much do you want it?

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@ASchwartz-

I'm just trying to see if there's anything other people have done to help themselves in any other ways then a psychiatrist or rehab. I figured I'm not the most messed up person in the world and someone else must have found a way.

@spiritual_emergency-

I've read a decent amount of books, but never on the subject of self help or anything like that. Until just recently I was just living in the present, never trying to plan to far ahead or think to far in the past. It worked great all my life up until just lately. Most of the books I read are thing's like Hunter S. Thompsons stuff, books on war, drugs, and firearms (I used to hunt a lot and still go to the range whenever I can afford it.)

What I really want to focus on is completely dropping drugs (at least painkillers), and also finding out why I am so messed up socially. I literally can't be around people for more then two consecutive days in a row or I snap. This is why every relationship I've had (atleast one reason) hasn't gone anywhere and has eventually crumbled. In fact, I can't even honestly say that I don't really truly enjoy the company of any of my friends, and it has been that way for most of my childhood as well.

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Lynxx: What I really want to focus on is completely dropping drugs (at least painkillers)

Perhaps your best option at this time then would be to google the term "painkillers+withdrawal+self-help" -- something like that and then seeing what comes up. It will probably also be to your benefit to learn as much as possible about the drugs you have been using. I say as much knowing that when it comes to psychiatric drugs, some of them should never be stopped abruptly. That's true of things like anti-psychotics, I don't know if it's also true of drugs like valium. It's certainly something you should find out however. In some instances, you should be weaned off the drugs and under a physician's care during the process.

You didn't say anything about peers so I'm going to assume you would feel comfortable working with peer-based support. This could include something as formal as a sponsorship program such as that offered in some of the 12 Step Programs or it could be a more informal process such as the types of peer support available in online groups such as this one.

I'd also encourage you to investigate the options that are available locally -- drop in centers, classes, possibly even some degree of therapeutic support. That doesn't mean you have to make use of them but you may find something there that will be helpful to you, at some time, that you feel comfortable with.

... and also finding out why I am so messed up socially.

That takes you into the domain of relationship. You seem to have trouble trusting and you've probably been disappointed in relationships before. That can make it very difficult to enter into relationships with others because your guard is always up and the real you, including the vulnerable, sticky, messy human parts are hidden behind that shield. In order to forge a genuine relationship with someone you have to be willing to drop that guard and I'm guessing you do from time to time, but you probably raise it back up pretty quickly when you have to and you probably know how to defend those soft spots very well.

Sometimes, this is where a therapeutic relationship can be helpful but I respect that's not where you're at and I agree you have to find another route at this time. It may not always be that way but this is the way it is for now. That being the case, maybe the place to start is your relationship with yourself. How do you feel about you? Just sit with that thought for a moment, sink into it...

Most people really hunger to feel loved and I get the impression that's what you really hunger for. To just feel okay, accepted, safe, appreciated.

At the bottom of this post, in the signature section of my profile is a link titled: The Practice of Tonglen. It's a practice -- very easy to do -- designed to teach people about compassion, especially learning how to be compassionate to themselves. There is a companion piece I sometimes share with others as well, called The Spirit of Tonglen. I began doing it as a method of pain relief and I often recommend it to others for that reason.

I also sometimes recommend this piece: Loving a Human Being because some people aren't too sure what love looks like.

Anyway, there's a few possible starting points for you that might help you to successfully withdraw from painkillers and also begin mending those relationships, starting with the one you have with your self. Meantime, the healing journey is comprised of many steps. It sounds like you're ready to get started.

Good luck to you.

~ Namaste

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@Namaste- Thank you for the response, it was very well written and had a good amount of literature I am planning on reading. A lot of what you said seems to fit into my life quiet a bit, and although I do have some self pride I also realize that the first things that come to my mind when I think of myself are not exactly good. I don't know if I'm ready to join a support group or anything like that but anything I can do that is self help orientated sounds great. Thanks again.

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