After taking some time of, and looking hard at myself...

[TerrifiedUser]

... I have tried too see where I stand in this whole pedophilia thing.

Baisically, based on what I say, I want to know if I sound like a pedophile

1.) I have never had any desire to look up CP

2.) I have never had any desire for sexual contact with a child

3.) As of late, I have purely been masturbating to thoughts. When I fantasize I think of Adult woman my age (18) or older (I also fantasize about a girl I know who is 16, but again, I don't think an 18 year old finding a 16 year old attractive counts as pedophilia)

However, there is also the issue that certain things involving children can seem to cause some arrousal, for example:

I was on dailymotion and I saw video advertising a nudist resort. In it was a clip of two nudist girls much younger. My first thoughts were one's of arrousal, but I was able with some effort to view the image in a non-sexual light, something which I would not be able to do with a video of nude adults. However, my first feelings were of arrousal, and I probably could mb to this section of the video quite easily.

Also, while on dailymotion on another occasion, I saw a video of 2 nude girls making out in bed. The video described them as being teens, but they looked very young, possibly young teens, maybe not even teens. I flaggeed the video and it was taken down shortly after. However, my first feeling was of arrousal. I could kind of convince myself I wasn#t arroused by it, but really I was.

I also have had similar problems like this on some images I stumbled across on a nudist website, which were of kids.

This also takes me onto another key point:

4.) I am arroused by the thought of myself nude, especially in open spaces, even if I am alone. The idea of myself beng nude around other people clothed or nude is arrousing as well (it was because of this I stumbled across nudist websites. I was not looking for images of children).

This makes me wonder if I am purely arroused by the act of being nude, rather than being nude in a sexual situation. Maybe my arrousal toward other people nude is not because I am sexually attracted to them. However, the video I saw on daily motion of the two very young girls making out nude, and my feelings towards this only worsens my insecurities.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please be honest in how you feel.

[TerrifiedUser]

I was also wondering if some of the arrousal i sometimes appear to feel is simply due to all the anxiety that has built up surrounding this issue over time

[TerrifiedUser]

Also, could I ask, NO SCAREMONGERING

If you think I am a pedophile please explain to me why

Thank you

[TerrifiedUser]

After reading through the diagnosis section on "pedophilia" in wikipedia, I am now even more confused as to if I fit the diagnosis.

For example, could it be possible that the idea of nudity in itself is sexually arrousing to me, but not the idea of engaging sexually, because that's how I feel. I mean, the idea of me being alone, naked, on a beach or something can cause sexual arrousal. Therefore, logically, this could explain why say seeing another person in this same situation causes arrousal. Would this count as pedophilia If I was to have say the tiniest (and I do mean, for the most part, tiniest) sense of arrousal at the thought of maybe someone significantly younger than me in this same situation. I mean, under the official definition (on wikipedia), it does include voyeristic behaviour

Edit: When I say tiniest, I mean I would say feel some arrousal at first, but it would go away quickly/ I am kind of able to convince myself that it is not arrousing

[shye1]

Hey Terrified, I hope you dont think anyones ignoring you. I admit Ive glanced at this post but I didnt respond on purpose. Only because it seems your obsession is starting over again and I'm not sure that I can really help. In fact by trying to soothe your fears I do the opposite and dont seem to help at all. I think you need step by step help with your anxiety by someone who is qualified to provide you with the right tools. It may even involve medication to get you started, which you may later stop. In my human (un-qualified) experience the best way to get over an anxiety is to face your fear. I could be wrong but if you're so worried about the possibility, I would try to accept for a minute that you are a pedophile and see how you feel about that. I only say this because I've done the same thing with some of my fears and once I accepted it, I saw it for what it really was.

[TerrifiedUser]

Hey Shy1e!

When you say to accept that I am a pedophile and see how it feels, well, it feels hideous to be frank. It's not me, It's not something which goes in well with the rest of my life.

I mean, there is no way of avoiding that "fear" it seems.

Like, all I want is a diagnosis, of some kind. Rather than simply worrying as to if I am a pedophile, I have tried looking at why I am worrying in the first place, and putting it into words in this thread

[shye1]

Thats why it would be good to speak to a someone qualified as well, they'll help you deal with all these thoughts and worries. Otherwise, you may be able to get over this fear on your own terms but I wouldn't be surprised if you developed a new problem shortly after. There's a reason you have anxiety and it might not be what you think. You're running from something. Anxiety has a good way of consuming our minds with a million thoughts and ideas until we're too distracted to really look at ourselves.

Hypothetically speaking, what if I said that based on what you've said in your posts, you sound like a textbook pedophile and you're a real danger to children. What would be your next step? Would you seek help?

Either way, the best thing to do is to speak to someone qualified to help you with this. And let us know how you're doing ofcourse

[TerrifiedUser]

Haha I'm glad you posted that, because thinking about it, I know exactly what triggered all these worries, and I know this whole "pedophilia" thing would probably have never been an issue if it had never happened.

And, If you were to tell me I'm a danger to kids, it would only bother me that you thought that. I know for FACT that I am not even remotely dangerouse to kids. I see kids all the time out and about, and I never have any desire to stare at them, to approach them, it's just not an issue. I know I will NEVER abuse a child.

Like I said in previous posts, the thought of sexual contact with a child is not, and has never been, remotely appealing, and is something I have NEVER fantasised about, not once.

[shye1]

I know exactly what triggered all these worries.

I know for FACT that I am not even remotely dangerouse to kids.

the thought of sexual contact with a child is not, and has never been, remotely appealing

I know I will NEVER abuse a child

From the outside looking in, it seems pretty straight forward

It must have been gnarly to go through what you went through, over something that began as a pretty harmless prank. Obviously your intentions were not bad. But it's understandable that you would still hold onto some of the feelings that went along with it, like guilt or shame? Especially if you've got a strong conscience and you seem like a pretty decent guy. But it's OK to let it go, 'write it off', so to speak, as a mistake. Unfortunately we cant change the past, no matter how much we punish ourselves or how bad we feel about ourselves. In the end, it just doesn't help. You just gotta live and learn and try to remember the good thats come out of it too. And also that we're human and we all make mistakes we'd rather forget completely. :eek:

Like when I was younger 15 or 16 I remember I used to prank call this hotline. It's basically this free phone counseling service the government set up for people feeling suicidal or were being abused or whatever and needed someone to talk to. And I would prank call it lol! :eek: Saying stupid shit. I thought it was funny! Looking back I'm like, damn, that was some pretty insensitive shit. If I got busted and had to go through the humiliation of that, I'd have pretty bad feelings about it. But since I didn't, I never really thought about it again. It's not something I'm proud of though, at all.

[CielObscur]

I know I will NEVER abuse a child.

I knew I would NEVER smoke pot up until the time when I did. I'm not trying to compare the two, I'm just saying certain activities don't always have the same weight in your mind for all your life.

[TerrifiedUser]

That's kind of different. I don't know about you, but I didn't end up trying pot because the urge to smoke it got too big, I more did it because my attitude towards it changed after watching Bill Hicks stand up shows on DVD. I don't think my attitude will ever change with regards to child abuse

And thanks Shye1, that post was nice to read!

I mean, I must stress here, I do show really little attraction towards people much younger than me, just every once in a blue moon, there are cases where I start to worry about feeling arroused. I mean, most the time, the anxiety gets the better of me, and rather than letting it go, and not thinking about it, I start to keep obsessing, going over how I feel...

I don't know, it's hard to explain

[TerrifiedUser]

I mean, I maybe made it sound like I am sexually attracted to kids most of the time.

When I stumbled across the nudist website, pretty much all of the pictures of kids (nude, obviously) Did not arrouse me in the slightest (and there were a few). However, this one picture, with people of questionable age, did cause some arrousal, and I did mb to thoughts of it, and I cannot get past that.

I find it hard living with the idea that I could of mb to kids, rather than the implications it could have on my sexuality.

But, I made this thread as an attempt to diagnose myself

Please if anyone is going to say I am a pedophile explain why. I would really like to know the key parts about what I have said that sound like that of a pedophile

[Hrglauk]

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[TerrifiedUser]

Hey iwoenai

What you said spoke so much sense to me, and in some ways, its exactly what I have been doing these past months

No testing, trying to not obsess, and to be honest, if there is one thing 've learnt in my day to day life, thinking about kids is not an issue. What I seem to obsess over is the fact that I could have possibly mb to kids once upon a time in the past. I don't know if I could forgive myself from doing that.

[TerrifiedUser]

I mean, I guess I should say this:

I'm going to University soon. I got into the University I wanted somehow, despite all the anxiety on my mind. I want to go with a clear head, and have one less thing to worry about.

While I am at University, I will probably be able to get therapy without my parents knowing more easily.

[Hrglauk]

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