Damaged

[Ms. Nobody]

I feel like I can’t take much more of this, my life’s been hell recently. I can’t handle anything and everything’s been bothering me. I’ve been out of vicodin pills for a little over three weeks now and I’m having serious withdraws, I can barely make it into work or even function on a daily basis.

I was supposed to be getting some pills from my friend, but it turns out with all the surgery’s his mom has been through, she doesn’t have any. Or at least that’s what he said.

My self injury has gotten completely out of hand, it’s like I can’t go a minute without thinking about cutting. It’s the only thing I have that stops the pain, it’s the only thing I have that‘s helping me keep it together, but it’s getting to be to much. I know I can’t keep up like this, I’m running out of places to cut, places that I can keep hidden.

I searched my parents room today and found some old vicodin pills my step-dad had from when he had his surgery, God I feel so awful for being happy about that. I was so relived I felt like crying, but after what I’ve taken, there’s not many left and I know this vicious cycle is going to start all over again just as soon as I run out. The scary part is that even though I’ve found relief, I still feel like I need to harm. I’m taking it minute by minute trying to keep distracted and hoping it helps.

Am I happy being damaged? I guess I’m beyond help when you think about it and I don’t know how I got this way. I feel like no one can help me, like no one wants to help me, maybe I’m not worth it anyways. What’s the point, right? At least I’ll be happy for a few days at any rate … everyone can just find someone better to save while I slowly kill myself.

It’s funny, I should be happy right now -- I got what I wanted, what I needed, and at this moment I don’t feel happy what-so-ever.

I’m pathetic.

[Ob1one]

I know what it is like to be depressed, alone, have extreme pain that just doesn't seem to end and it is very hard.

The way I got through the pain, loneliness and depression was by holding onto something I believed in which was God.

I got these thoughts in my mind when I went through this like does God exist, why does he put me through this?

Now I've conquered it and I'm a lot better then I was before. You can't just give up on these things because the reward is worth the suffering.

Also don't think that your not cared about. I thought like that all the time and it does sink deep into your soul if you accept that thought.

I know my parents love me, I know my closest friends are my brothers who love me, I know Many MANY adults who love me but back then it just didn't click or I just couldn't believe the concept that I would be loved.

It just hit me on the head like a cinder block and all I did was accept that I really was loved.

What I suggest that you do is go to God, go to a church even if it seems ridiculous.

The church is the best place for support you can find. When I was going through my trials of pain and loneliness they prayed over me, they showed that they really cared about me by talking to me about it, letting me vent my feelings to them etc.

A thing I've never forgotten to this day is that God would take care of this for me and he has I got over all this and I didn't do a thing, it was in Gods hand.

Later I read a scripture in Mathew which said don't worry about tomorrow, what you'll wear, eat , or what will even happen as far as animals. God takes care of these things.

When you go through those nights were you just lose your mind just remember God loves you, God loves you, God loves you. Maby go to your friends house so that if there's a time your not thinking straight your friend can help you.

Please don't think about killing yourself your life is more valuable then you could ever imagine.

[Mark]

Nobody,

Thanks to Ob1one for responding. Here's my two cents. When you describe not only self-injury behavior, but also not being able to get along without pain pills, you've got two significant clinical issues at once, and that sort of situation is called "dual diagnosis". There are special clinics that deal with dual diagnosis patients, who are challenging to treat in other contexts. Dealing with the self-injury alone doesn't address the opioid addiction, which really often needs to be dealt with first or at the same time as the self-injury (or depression or psychosis or whatever it is besides the addiction). Vice versa, dealing with the addiction part of it is complicated becuase of the self-injury. you may have described your treatment history in previous posts, but if so I'm blanking on it (I do that a lot ). My sense is that you need some professional help, but the sort of help you need is dual diagnosis aware help. Is there any around where you live that you know about?

Mark