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has anyone ever felt that cross between rage, and self hate... the kind that comes with realizing you WANT to die, but know you can't do it?

because i've realized. everything that's wrong with my life is my fault.

i can't touch something and NOT have it turn into shit.

i feel like the worst kind of bad luck charm.

nothing is ever going to be right with me, but nobody has the decency to just put me out of my misery. i'm no good to anyone, least of all myself.

i don't have any money. i'm living off the kindness of friends. who will inevitably become tired of me and want me to go away.

no money for a psych., and even if I did, I haven't met anyone that was able to help me. i need REAL SOLUTIONS not idealistic feel good bullshit that doesn't FIX anything.

the best i can do right now is pretend to smile at jokes that don't reach me, putting one foot in front of the other on my epic trip to nowhere.

i don't even know why i'm posting

this doesn't matter

at best i get nice wishes from people i don't know

i just want to sleep forever.

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I won't offer you kind words either, if you think they would be useless what's the point?

I do want to say that everything you wrote reminded me of me, i've been there, am still there to some extent, though I do feel my meds have helped me quite a bit. I am no longer curled up in a dark corner somewhere.

I do have some advice for you though. Would it be possible for you to find work? I know it's hard with the recession and everything, but maybe any kind of job would help you with your self esteem? You wouldn't have to rely on the kindness of friends, you might become self-reliant and not feel such a burden. I know that someone as depressed as you are sees work as a huge mountain that you feel unable to climb, it was that way for me too at the beginning, and there are still times when I just want to stay in bed and not have to work ever again, then I remind myself that if I don't take care of myself, no one else will. Maybe if you work you will be able to see a different doctor. He might be able to prescribe meds that could help you.

What i'm saying may seem pretty simplistic and depression is many things but never simple. I hope you won't think i'm judging you because i'm not. I'm writing this from my own experience of being where you are now and I know how much it hurts.

Take care.

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I know how you feel (or at least i can imagine), i was at that place only last week, ended up actually trying to kill myself and giving myself a bad head injury (with long term effects) from a failed attempt.

It's a nasty place to be trapped. While i can't offer you an easy magic way out (i haven't even found one myself yet), perhaps Endlessnight has a good idea with trying to find work..

Remember if your not happy with your psych you can find another one and get you on some treatment to make you feel better.

Being depressed i know finding a job seems an impossible task but somehow you must find the strength.

Sorry if any of what i said seems useless and unrealistic but i can only speak from my own experience...

Best Wishes, Guy

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Hi Glosoli,

Like Guy and others I faced similar feelings lately. What I can say is that thinking about looking for a job may seem unsurmountable in such depressive conditions, I understand how hard it is to just get out and walk, your body seems so numb and heavy, so how can you even think about a job?

Though from experience I can tell you that having a schedule, knowing that I have to get somewhere (even if I have to pretend to be fine), being around people with a task, has helped in some ways A LOT, whatever it is you need to do. The important thing I noticed for me is to be in a job that obliges me to be around people, its like as if their vitality and life is contageous, its as though in this moment we don't have a light inside us, but can live temporarily out of the light that others reflect on us, ... it is better than being left in the darkness and loose it all. When we get our inner light back we can stop doing that.

I know its a compromise, but keep in mind (this has helped a lot), that in such conditions nothing is for good: if you are feeling so bad now it doesn't mean it will be forever, and thinking that it is forever prevents us to try to change it because it seems worthless, but it isn't.

It's like as if you were in a car, going full speed and have to drive up a mountain in front of you: you (or your car) need to change gear, go slower, increase the motor power, but only to get you up there, once you are up you can change again and adapt to your inner conditions: nothing is forever, and you only have to gain by trying one thing, trying another if it doesn't work the first time, but don't get disappointed if the first trials don't turn out well, work on the numer of trials, try to figure out what feels good or bad to you, and adapt your future attempts orienting them towards what didn't turn out so bad. As Guy wonderfully wrote to me on a previous post: its a fight, I was reluctant to have to fight all day, every day, I was really tired, but this is our present mountain we have to climb, not forever, just for now, who knows about the future.

Hope you can fight for yourself, for your life: no one can do it for you, they can help you but the steps must be taken by you and no one else.

Lots of hugs.

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