Disjointed relationship, disjointed thoughts

[misrbl1]

What I want doesn't matter, even to me. If it did, then why in God's name would I stay at the side of woman who controls me?

I should be excited that Wifey and I are going to work on things yet again, but I feel more like she beat us.

I have no desire to be physical with her, and she doesn't unserstand why. I haven't got the backbone to tell her why. She spent all day yesterday nagging me about this and that. The sound of her voice is like a rusty nail on a slate blackboard for me. Try mustering up the desire to have sex with someone that is doing nothing to make you want to.

Our financial situation is not improving. There are so many companies dipping into our bank account, seemingly whenever they want to, for all of her doctor bills, I can't keep track anymore.

She's all the time asking me to show her affection while we're out, knowing full well OW is watching, and holding on to the hope that one day I'll be enough of a man to stand up for us. It's pretty obvious that I'll never be that. OW deserves a chance at hang-up free happiness, and I'll never be able to give her that. When we talked about it, she said she didn't want anybody else.

I've started smoking again. If I'm going to be stuck with Wifey till death do us part, then whatever I can do to speed that process along, I'm for it. I had quit for something like four years, I was so proud of that.

We're looking at moving back home to West Virginia, away from the tempation that OW creates for me. But I know the underlying feelings would still be there, even if we moved to Mars. I will always love OW, and always resent Wifey for making me give her up.

Wifey still gets mad at me for even thinking about OW. If we hear a love song on the radio, she'll ask me if I'm thinking about OW. When I say yes, she'll get upset. She asked me to tell her the truth, it's not my fault the truth isn't what she wanted to hear.

Sorry if I'm rambling you guys. It's early, and there's a lot going on in my head right now.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi Misrbl,

now it reads like you stay with your wife, cause you'd not be good enough for the other woman anyway.

I wonder if you considered giving both relationships a rest?

Maybe it would be better to be alone for a while?

[misrbl1]

I would very much like that, but finding somwehere to stay by myself isn't possible. I'm not making enough to take care of the place Wifey and I are in now. Taking on something extra, even for a couple days, just isn't do-able. I need to step back, I agree.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hm. Do you have a spare room, or something like that? I guess it would be good to have some physical separation to show that you really mean it?

[misrbl1]

I tried to give myself time away from both of them to figure out what I wanted. QBOTU (formerly known as Wifey), wouldn't give me any space. When I told her what I needed to do, she flew off the handle and was ready to file divorce papers the next morning. Then the next night, she begged me to come back to our bed. Hindsight being 20/20, I should've let her file them, and not come back to bed. It would probably be final soon, I'd have my son, because there is no judge in the world that would give him to her. I'd have the woman I want to be with, things would be perfect.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Well, I see no reason why you can't try that again. Maybe next time your wifes reaction will already be less extreme.. however, maybe not.

I've noticed that she makes a lot of your conflicts about symbolic things like wedding rings or divorce papers. I don't want to say that they mean nothing at all, but, in a way... they don't. So, maybe try not to buy into that.

What I mean is what is really at stake is your relationship, so that's what you should try to discuss. Rings and divorce papers are just symbols and there's not much point discussing the symbols instead of discussing the relationship.