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Uncontrollable change of goals, ideals and self image


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Hello to everyone in the mental help community,

I'm a 21 year old male and had this wierd change in my personality i guess for the last 8 years. I'l try to make it as clear as possible but its really hard for me to explain the impulses and symptoms here. I hope you guys will understand or relate..

I have this always changing perception of who i should be and i cannot control these impulses. For example, I always have this primary and biggest thought that i should always strieve to be perfect. This comes along with actions such as being highly; tidy, clean and organized. In this phase i feel confident, in control and as if im doing the right thing. But after a while (1-2 weeks), thoughts start to race in my head first small but than very strong that tell me; I'm too harsh on my self and others, I should be more relaxed, I cant have fun anymore, why should i be this perfect, I'm missing a better me if i keep on like this...

I try to suppress these feelings at first, but after a while (a few hours to 1-2 days) I cannot control them and they take over my actions and at this phase i totally become careless and carefree, I dont take a shower for a couple of days, I dont care anymore of any rules and just live along. I even tell my self how funny i was, trying to be that perfect etc. but i also have low self-esteem at this time.

And after living like this for a few days I miss the old me ( the perfect or near perfect me) and incontrolably start to act as the perception i have of being the perfect self (phase 1), with strict rules of myself like I should always put the CD's here, my pillow should be at this end of the bed and in the middle, my t-shirts should be folded in this way and many more.

My past 8 years have past like this and I dont know what to do... sometimes it makes life difficult like when im in phase 1 ( trying to be perfect) I realise that downloading stuff from the internet is unethical and wrong so i delete every downloaded movies, music and programs. But when i become phase 2 ( care free me) I realise that eveyone does it and get angry at myself that i deleted so much important stuff.

This disorder shows itself in many other areas aswell. I am an atheist, but in times i start wondering that there should be a god and i persuade myself that i should not betray my ancestors, my family and that really a religous type of life is more peacefull and live a couple of days like a religious person. Untill something triggers me that reminds me how religion in some cases is disturbing, useless and even stupid and again the cycle works and I turn into an atheist, which i always was.

Can anyone understand my situation? what is my problem? I feel as if going to a doctor and explaing these stuff would be useless as if he wont understand.

For me, it seems as if im an extreme black or white thinker. I can't find the grey parts of a normal life.

I previously thought i was OCPD and searched the net, but didnt read of any case like mine.

I than thought that i could have bipolar personality disorder but that seems like a serious illness and dont think it relates with my life.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading it...

What do you guys think i should do?

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My opinion is you are experimenting with different roles. I don't find this unusual, but you do swing from one extreme to the other. As you note, there are inconveniences when you find yourself missing things that you wish you still had. Otherwise, keep on going! You'll find that you have a tendency to prefer certain modes. This won't be a conscious choice as it is more of a style uniquely your own. But, you won't appreciate this style unless you keep pushing yourself to explore.

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Hello to everyone in the mental help community,

I'm a 21 year old male and had this wierd change in my personality i guess for the last 8 years. I'l try to make it as clear as possible but its really hard for me to explain the impulses and symptoms here. I hope you guys will understand or relate..

I have this always changing perception of who i should be and i cannot control these impulses. For example, I always have this primary and biggest thought that i should always strieve to be perfect. This comes along with actions such as being highly; tidy, clean and organized. In this phase i feel confident, in control and as if im doing the right thing. But after a while (1-2 weeks), thoughts start to race in my head first small but than very strong that tell me; I'm too harsh on my self and others, I should be more relaxed, I cant have fun anymore, why should i be this perfect, I'm missing a better me if i keep on like this...

I try to suppress these feelings at first, but after a while (a few hours to 1-2 days) I cannot control them and they take over my actions and at this phase i totally become careless and carefree, I dont take a shower for a couple of days, I dont care anymore of any rules and just live along. I even tell my self how funny i was, trying to be that perfect etc. but i also have low self-esteem at this time.

And after living like this for a few days I miss the old me ( the perfect or near perfect me) and incontrolably start to act as the perception i have of being the perfect self (phase 1), with strict rules of myself like I should always put the CD's here, my pillow should be at this end of the bed and in the middle, my t-shirts should be folded in this way and many more.

My past 8 years have past like this and I dont know what to do... sometimes it makes life difficult like when im in phase 1 ( trying to be perfect) I realise that downloading stuff from the internet is unethical and wrong so i delete every downloaded movies, music and programs. But when i become phase 2 ( care free me) I realise that eveyone does it and get angry at myself that i deleted so much important stuff.

This disorder shows itself in many other areas aswell. I am an atheist, but in times i start wondering that there should be a god and i persuade myself that i should not betray my ancestors, my family and that really a religous type of life is more peacefull and live a couple of days like a religious person. Untill something triggers me that reminds me how religion in some cases is disturbing, useless and even stupid and again the cycle works and I turn into an atheist, which i always was.

Can anyone understand my situation? what is my problem? I feel as if going to a doctor and explaing these stuff would be useless as if he wont understand.

For me, it seems as if im an extreme black or white thinker. I can't find the grey parts of a normal life.

I previously thought i was OCPD and searched the net, but didnt read of any case like mine.

I than thought that i could have bipolar personality disorder but that seems like a serious illness and dont think it relates with my life.

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading it...

What do you guys think i should do?

My friend, it sounds like you have an obsessional thought disorder. It's a very treatable thing, and with the right patience you yourself can probably make it go away. You seem to be spending a great deal of time worrying about who you should be, and then attempting to see it through. You have to trust me when I tell you to go see a psychiatrist, because once the psychiatrist diagnoses you you're going to feel a great deal better, finally knowing that you have a medical problem and that most importantly it's not your fault.

You're attempting to control inane things in order to satisfy an ongoing, obsessional concern that you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. Your heavy focus on what you worry you are doing right or wrong is feeding a circuit that overlooks the fact that you don't need to be focusing on it at all. I have three recommendations for you.

Relax. - and I don't mean adjust your personality to become someone who is apathetic and unconcerned. I mean quit worrying about it. If this is going to be the way it is then just relax and quit fighting it. There's no reason to bother yourself by wondering if these constant personality shifts are good or bad, just don't let it get you down when it happens and try not to think about how it makes you feel.

Try Valerian Root- Valerian root is a holistic treatment for all kinds of anxiety disorders. Don't go nuts with it, take the recommended dosage, but it'll usually silence that thing inside you that says "I need to focus on what I'm not doing properly", it'll also make you drowsy.

See a Psychiatrist - It'll make you feel better, trust me. I didn't see one for years and I walked out of my psychiatrist's office feeling like a million bucks. They know how to tell you what you need to do to combat your problem.

Good luck bro.

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Thanks Mjolnir for the time you spent for this. I read it twice and I really think that yes I always have this obsessional concern that im not doing the right thing in life.

I'm going to try a Psychiatrist just to make sure and to say to myself that i did that.

Im checking out Valerian Root..lol

Thanks and I appreciate your help

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