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I just don't know anymore...


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I grew up in a Christian family. I firmly believed in everything I was taught relating to religion. I prayed often, wanting to be able to hear God's voice. But--I suppose partly because I never heard anything--sometime in my early teens I slowly started to have my doubts. I grew increasingly apathetic towards religion. I would still attend church occasionally, but only because my parents wouldn't stop harrying me about it. I still believed in God, and in Jesus' resurrection, but only with the coward's logic of "If I believe, and it's true, I go to heaven. If I believe, and it's false, I'm no worse off". Then sometime in high school I started reading C.S. Lewis. I was amazed by the simple, yet elegant way he presented things. I didn't know what kind of religious views I had for a while, but I thought that doing as Jesus would do (not that I was any good at it) was more important than figuring out what to call my beliefs anyway. Ironically, I think it was around this time that I stopped attending church altogether, except for holidays. I guess I, in my incalculable arrogance, had decided that the concept of the church is flawed, and that I was somehow better than "the flock". Then, my freshman year of college, my literature teacher said something interesting as we were discussing The Grand Inquisitor, by Dostoevsky. He mentioned the coward's logic I mentioned above, and said, "If there's a hell, I think that kind of people deserve to go there the most." I was shaken, yet I found myself agreeing with him. I became almost atheistic for a short while, then found myself wandering towards apathy again. Recently, I've realized that at those times when I denied God's existence, I constantly talked about him as if he did exist, and that the presence of a creator makes a lot more sense, to me, than the idea of the whole universe simply exploding out of nothing. But I take issue with many elements of Christianity, I question the resurrection, and I read Lewis a few weeks ago only to find myself thoroughly unconvinced. So I suppose that makes me a Deist. But really, I'm just tired of wavering back and forth in my beliefs, I've realized that I have not a shred of faith in me, and I've just about given up on religion altogether. Is there anyone who's been in this sort of position? Is there anyone who can provide me with some insight? Any and all comments are welcome.

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  • 2 weeks later...


I'm one of those people who is either really epic or really annoying, depending on how open you are to what I know. I've been intensely studying the Bible, and Christ, for most of my life--I like knowing WHY I believe what I believe, you know? I believe I have my ancient history teacher convinced I'm actually a Bible student--when I'm not. I just love knowing why. So ask me a direct question, I'll reasearch it, answer it, and even try to put together a neat little bibliography for ya, so you know that I didn't just make everything up B)

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My story is very similar to yours. Grew up Christian, had a period of being very angry with God, then went through a period of convincing myself there was no God. There was so much about Christianity that I just was either opposed to or simply not convinced about...there still is.

Personally, I don't like religion. It tends to make me feel 'locked in' and that I have to conform to a certain way of living and thinking. It's just not me.

I also believe that, although you can find God in religion, He is not defined nor limited by religion.

I was having a conversation with a Cathar Monk a few years ago, speaking of how confused I was. He asked me "What is it you feel, at the very core of your being?"

I replied "That God loves me."

He said "There. That is what you believe. The rest is details."

I hope this helps :)

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I love your story, Shi-Anne :)

And I had something else to add that I really like too.

Religion is man trying to reach God through their own means.

Christ is God reaching down to us. All he asks is we take his hand--he'll help us with the rest.

Great post, yourself, songbird :)

I totally agree.

If you take a quick look through history, particularly the development of religion, you can see an evolution of sorts. Even early man had a set of beliefs regarding Divinity and life itself.

I honestly believe, that religion is simply mans way of piecing it all together....an attempt to understand and connect with God.

However, you do not need religion to connect with God.

Jesus said "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind; and love your neighbour as yourself".

That's it. It doesn't say anything about going to church or tithing or being religious. It's not about what you do or what label you place on yourself. It's about what's in your heart :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi CielObscur, are you still around?

You say that at the times you've denied God's existence you constantly talk about Him as if He does exist and that a creator makes more sense to you than a universe coming from nothing. Yet you also say there isn't a shred of faith in you. Can you reconcile those statements for me?

Perhaps you should give up on "religion" as defined by SongBird in post #4 and try connecting with God as Shi-anne suggests. Notreligion.com might give you some food for thought.

--- Rapha

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