CielObscur Posted September 21, 2010 Report Share Posted September 21, 2010 I grew up in a Christian family. I firmly believed in everything I was taught relating to religion. I prayed often, wanting to be able to hear God's voice. But--I suppose partly because I never heard anything--sometime in my early teens I slowly started to have my doubts. I grew increasingly apathetic towards religion. I would still attend church occasionally, but only because my parents wouldn't stop harrying me about it. I still believed in God, and in Jesus' resurrection, but only with the coward's logic of "If I believe, and it's true, I go to heaven. If I believe, and it's false, I'm no worse off". Then sometime in high school I started reading C.S. Lewis. I was amazed by the simple, yet elegant way he presented things. I didn't know what kind of religious views I had for a while, but I thought that doing as Jesus would do (not that I was any good at it) was more important than figuring out what to call my beliefs anyway. Ironically, I think it was around this time that I stopped attending church altogether, except for holidays. I guess I, in my incalculable arrogance, had decided that the concept of the church is flawed, and that I was somehow better than "the flock". Then, my freshman year of college, my literature teacher said something interesting as we were discussing The Grand Inquisitor, by Dostoevsky. He mentioned the coward's logic I mentioned above, and said, "If there's a hell, I think that kind of people deserve to go there the most." I was shaken, yet I found myself agreeing with him. I became almost atheistic for a short while, then found myself wandering towards apathy again. Recently, I've realized that at those times when I denied God's existence, I constantly talked about him as if he did exist, and that the presence of a creator makes a lot more sense, to me, than the idea of the whole universe simply exploding out of nothing. But I take issue with many elements of Christianity, I question the resurrection, and I read Lewis a few weeks ago only to find myself thoroughly unconvinced. So I suppose that makes me a Deist. But really, I'm just tired of wavering back and forth in my beliefs, I've realized that I have not a shred of faith in me, and I've just about given up on religion altogether. Is there anyone who's been in this sort of position? Is there anyone who can provide me with some insight? Any and all comments are welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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