Longest. Post. EVER.

[CielObscur]

Well, like most people, my illness didn't just spring forth from nowhere. My mom's side is where the bipolar comes from, and both sides have had their alcoholics, who were probably undiagnosed depressives. My mom is bipolar, and she's had several episodes. Two of which were due to PTSD right after my sister and I were born, respectively. I think she had another when I was about 4. So at some point not long after I was born, and then again when I was 4, I was separated from my mom for an extended amount of time. The second of these times, while my mom was in the hospital, my dad was diagnosed depressive and he was committed as well, so for a couple weeks I was without either.

Growing up was tough. Mom was always busy with work, and dad was very harsh (though I wouldn't say abusive) mentally and verbally. On top of that, we moved from So. California to Oregon when I was only 7. I had to make friends all over again, which has never been easy for me. I remember practically nothing of my middle school years, and little of my high school days. No girlfriends, no car, I did have a part time job starting in May of my senior year though. Then 2 Decembers ago my mom had another breakdown. Luckily were able to convince the hospital staff not to hospitalize her, as we would've had Christmas without her, but it was pretty stressful trying to keep her calm and centered. Then exactly a year ago I had mine. Severe manic episode with psychotic features ftw. I was in the secure ward for a week, and then in the main ward for another half week. It was a shitty time because no one there was even close to my age.

So that's my background. My problem is with my parents: I hate my dad. No, really. He's always right, and he'll go on and on to prove it, completely oblivious to the fact that no one cares about what he's saying. No matter what I do to try to make him proud of me, he always wants more. Nothing is ever good enough. Any tiny mistake is a colossal failure. And if it's a little more than a tiny mistake? Oh boy. The two of us went down to California for a family reunion. On our way down, he asked me if I had brought my license. Dread. How to tell him no? He's going to erupt at me no matter how I say it. He practically broke my eardrums yelling at me, saying "Can't you do anything right?" To this day, he's never apologized. Or maybe he did, and I just can't forgive him so I don't remember it. Anyways we don't get along.

As for my mom... she's great. She listens, she cares, but sometimes to the point where she can be a little overbearing. As a result, I find myself exploiting her kindness a lot. Like, I'll subtly (at least I think I'm being subtle) imply that I really don't want to <take out the trash, do the dishes, whatever> because I know she'll do it for me then. And that makes me sad. But I can't seem to stop.

Don't really know where I was going with this whole thing, I guess I just kinda wanted to put it all out there. Way to hang through and read this whole mess, you're awesome

[Endlessnight]

Hello Ciel. That wasn't so long at all, i've read much longer (okay, so I skimmed through them ).

I dont really have advice to offer except to say that sometimes just getting something out, writing it down, can be a help in itself.

Take care.

[CielObscur]

lol, yeah I know it's not that long, just didn't know what else to title it

[Sweetsara]

I know it is much easier to say than to do but stop trying to make your dad proud. Just ignore him. U can't change how he treats u all u can change is how u react to it. Some people r so miserable it just pours over on to everyone around them and it's the only way they know how to interact. I know it won't make how he treats u hurt any less or piss u off any less but ignore ignore ignore. It's his problem not yours. As 4 your mom I think that's just human nature;) When my mother was alive I used to take advantage of her good nature to get out of stuff I think it's just what most kids do. If it makes u feel realy bad u could try telling her mom I realize I do this and when it happens call me on it. Don't feel bad about the title I hate them and can never think of one that doesn't sound stupid to me .

[CielObscur]

Well it's not that I'm trying to make him proud so much as I'm trying to get him off my back. The phrase "making him proud" just made it easier to formulate that sentence. As for ignoring him, he's not someone that you can easily ignore. He's big personality-wise, big physically, big audially. And my personality doesn't help either. I'm a complete passive wuss, when he blows up at me I just kind of take it. I know I should probably stand up to him, but to me that's just unthinkable.