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It's been too long.


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Well I gotta say that I'm glad to be back. It's been way too long since I've been here. I figured I needed to check in, and also ask for some advice ...

For those who remember, I've been battling anorexia for many many years. Well, unfortunately my eating disorder started rearing its ugly head again and I needed to go back to outpatient. FORTUNATELY, I recognized it before it destroyed me. So I did the outpatient thing for six grueling weeks ... and it was amazing. I learned a lot about myself and finally started to learn how to feel my emotions! It's an amazing and liberating feeling, scary as it may be. Anyway, my depression kinda kicked into high gear (as it does when the ED gets worse) so I started back on my meds. Yay, me! I've actually been taking my medication pretty consistently for about two months now, which is a major accomplishment for me. Well, after I was discharged from outpatient, I started sinking back into depression and was having S/I thoughts. Talked to my psych about it so she put me on another med. Yuck ... but I'm taking it.

Well, I figure you guys can help me out with this part .. I haven't been completely honest with any psychiatrist or therapist that I've ever seen. I have a family history of mental illness and don't want to be seen as crazy - at least not any crazier than I already seem. But there are certain symptoms that I've had that are recently getting worse. I have a counselor appointment on Friday and really considered talking to her about it. I kinda want the help that I'm sure only a professional can give ... but I'm scared of being seen as "crazy" or "sick" or "incapable."

Suggestions? Have you ever been in this situation?

Thanks all .... & I've missed you guys!!

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I debated with myself for a long time whether to tell my therapist about my feelings that I might be gay. I told my sister first, and she encouraged me to tell my therapist. I sucked it up and told her, and now those doubts that used to plague me constantly don't bother me as much.

Besides, if you've told your therapist that you've been having thoughts of suicide, I honestly don't think they'll be too surprised to hear that you have a history of mental illness.

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Hi again amberlyn

You just need encouragement, that's all. :(

The first thing I thought when I read your post was that you're already around 80% of the way towards telling the therapist and perhaps you don't see this? You recognised the ED was coming back, you got into the outpatient programme, you recognised the depression was coming back, you talked to the pdoc about it. You know what to do, you already possess the courage you need, you're just hesitating at the last step.

I've been in your position several times, especially with a new therapist and especially the first few times. I can say that every time I've plucked up the courage, they've been unsurprised and understanding. Every time I've done it, I've felt such relief at having faced it with someone's help. You can be sure they've heard it before and dealt with this kind of situation before; it's what they do. If it isn't brought out in the safety of the therapy room, it can't be dealt with and you'll still be carrying it - alone.

As far as being thought crazy or sick or incapable: in this kind of situation, asking for help is about the sanest thing you can do, don't you think? It's brave to do so and you've already proven to yourself that you can face 'scary'.

I don't know if you Lala3 on here, she's lurking around, but she said something once that was so wise I've never forgotten it: breaking down and crying in front of a therapist is like having a fever in front of a doctor. Meaning revealing stuff and being open and crying and vulnerable is normal; it's what you're there for, it's the logical thing to do.

Lastly, why would they think you crazy or incapable for having a mental problem? If you bring it up, you're capable - of confronting it, getting help with it, dealing with it.

Have I managed to encourage you just a little bit ...? :D

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CielObscur, I guess that makes sense. I mean, like Luna said, it's what they do.

Luna, hi there :( Thanks for the encouragement. I know that I'm so close to spilling my deepest, darkest secrets to a professional ... it's just probably the scariest thing I've ever had to deal with - and I've dealt with a lot. I guess ultimately (& this is partly because of the eating disorder) I have mastered seeming 'normal' in an effort to be 'perfect.' Admitting that more is wrong with me than I'd like to acknowledge means that I'm not all that I try to be. Not sure if that makes any sense. But yeah. :D

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I can see why it's so scary and so difficult. It's not a small thing. You're just actually so close, it seems to me.

Hard to admit we're not perfect. But a huge relief. No-one can live up to that standard without it taking its toll on your mental health. And put it this way - you can admit it to one professional in just one setting - and be perfect everywhere else. It's not an all-or-nothing thing. You don't have to relinquish all "normality".

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