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Rough sex


SomeonefromNH

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Is there anything wrong with someone that enjoys violent sex? The past month or so thats the only way I enjoy sex. The woman I met recently seems to enjoy it, but is this ok? I don't feel truly "aroused" unless I'm angry, I feel like I can't let anyone hurt me.

I don't want to get to graphic, because I don't want this thread deleted. But note I said violent, not just rough (hard). She is totally ok with it, none of it is against her will.

What's causing this need? is this okay?

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NH,

Not sure what the difference is between "violent" and "rough". Do you mean dominant as in the sense of BDSM (e.g., where you might slap your partner around or tie her up, etc.).

If your partner is adult, entirely willing to partake in the activities, not manipulated into being willing, and if you have an explicit plan for what your submissive partner can do if she (?) needs to alert you to stop the activity then the activities are not likely to be abusive.

You seem to be asking a deeper set of questions than just "is it okay to do this", however, which is more along the lines of "why am I motivated to do this" and "is there something wrong with me becuase I am motivated to do this" In order to address these questions, we need to know more about your life. For instance, were you molested/abused earlier in life? Were you ever made into a victim (not simply sexually, but in any significant way that effected you emotionally). Sometimes people react to a feeling of vulnerability by trying to master that vulnerability - in effect by turning it upside down where the victim becomes the abuser. You see this phenomena sometimes in cases of actual abuse where some abused kids grow up to be abusers. it doesn't make rational sense, but it does make a lot of emotional sense in a way to attempt to overcome an intense feeling of vulerability by becoming that which created the vulnerability. If I am that which abused me, I can't also be that which was abused, is maybe a way of stating the belief that drives this.

This is not the only explaination, just the one that comes to mind. So any information you can provide that might shed light will be helpful.

Mark

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No! I wouldn't like to be involved in rough sex!

You could say I'm a bit old fashioned in that way! I have never been married, but was living with my ex-partner for 22yrs. I have two grown up sons, aged 26 & 21.

I was a Virgin when I met my sons father, and we seperated 10yrs ago. I am still living on my own and have not slept with anyone since my ex-partner left.

Sex should happen between to loving people. It should take place because you both want it too, not because one of you want sex and the other doesn't! Sex should be between you and you partner only. not be shared like half of the population does now a day's.

I also dissagree with gay sex. God didn't put man on the earth to have sex with the same gender.

I blame alot of this gay sex on straight people! Because it's the straight people that keeps having gay babies! Ha!

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NH,

...You seem to be asking a deeper set of questions than just "is it okay to do this", however, which is more along the lines of "why am I motivated to do this" and "is there something wrong with me becuase I am motivated to do this" In order to address these questions, we need to know more about your life. For instance, were you molested/abused earlier in life? Were you ever made into a victim (not simply sexually, but in any significant way that effected you emotionally). Sometimes people react to a feeling of vulnerability by trying to master that vulnerability - in effect by turning it upside down where the victim becomes the abuser. You see this phenomena sometimes in cases of actual abuse where some abused kids grow up to be abusers. it doesn't make rational sense, but it does make a lot of emotional sense in a way to attempt to overcome an intense feeling of vulerability by becoming that which created the vulnerability. If I am that which abused me, I can't also be that which was abused, is maybe a way of stating the belief that drives this.

Mark

When I mean violent, I do not mean BDSM. An example would be me performing oral on her and then punching the inside of her leg, or slapping the area previously performing oral on. She seems to really really enjoy this sort of thing though (just to make it clear its not abuse!).

My therapist and psychiatrist both have said I have alot of PTSD symptoms. I was molested as a child by a cousin (male). I will never ever talk to anyone about it inside the family (I did talk a bit about it with the therapist.). It would mess up the relationship with that side of the family even more than it is. That was years ago. Once I re-enacted those situations with someone. I felt HORRIBLE for weeks.

I could never talk to my mother about anything growing up. She couldn't cope with giving me help and advice. At all. She has lots of physical problems now, and it really hurts me to see her whithering away at 45. I've always wished I had a mother that I could hug and feel safe with, like she could protect me. Sounds funny now, because I'm a grown man. My father would always tell me to keep my problems to myself, never tell my mother.

I've never ever felt safe and able to trust. Lately for fleeting moments I am able to feel safe and comfortable. Like when I was driving from boston back to my home a week ago. I had a hat and sunglasses and a sweatshirt on. I just felt safe like nobody could hurt me or wrong me. (Perhaps this is why I had the opiate issue, it's under the addiction section now). Until recently, I never felt this, so maybe I'm healing a bit.

I feel so weak for writing this, I'm tearing up.

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if you feel weak, that doesn't mean that you are weak. Feelings are feelings and they do not always reflect reality. try to keep that in mind.

based on what you've related, it does feel like you are working to keep feelings of vulnerability at bay. That activity may relate to the rough sex preference. Sex can be a situation when people are vulnerable, or feel vulnerable, and punching someone you are being intimate with (e.g., someone who might potentially be able to hurt/reject/ridicule you) is a way of keeping that person and the threat they may represent at bay. Or rejecting the significance of the intimacy (or transforming it into something different and less threatening). hard to say if this is an accurate way to understand your situation, but as far as back of the napkin models go, this one feels like it fits to me (from my very removed and under-informed perspective).

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