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still a virgin


SoccerCoach88
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Hi. I'm Kate and I'm a 22 yr old college student. I just wanted to say openly that I'm a virgin. I don't believe in sex before marriage. I don't know just how I was raised as a catholic. It's one of the first things I tell guys when we start to date, sometimes it makes them run sometimes not. But it totally feels good to get this out, it seems like everyone around me is having sex but me, like it's the new "college thing" if you will.

Best.

Kate

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Hey Kate, I'm the one who wrote the other post about still being a virgin at 30. I respect your strength and determination. I respect your beliefs. I understand where they come from, because I would have posted the exact same thing 10 years ago, with the same pride and vulnerability.

I don't want to rain on your parade, but I want to give you my perspective. At 22 I was also determined to be a virgin until I married, also due to my religious upbringing. Now I'm 30, a virgin, depressed, lonely, feel like such an outcast, and I've lost my religion too. (Because my church only cares about families. All the messages are always for families, all the activities are for children.) They told me to keep my virginity, and I did, and now there's not a place for me there. It's such an irrelevant message for today's world if they're not going to back it up with a way to make it work. I moved from a more conservative to a more liberal part of the country, and there is no one here who understands what it was to grow up like that.

My mom was all about the virginity thing, pounding it in my head when I was a child, and I was always obedient. But now there's nothing my mom can do to take away my depression or loneliness. I'm not saying random sex would have helped, I never wanted to do that, but I had several close boyfriends in my early to mid 20s, and those relationships always died after a year or so. Those were good guys and I could have gotten closer to them through intimacy, but instead we broke up and now I'm totally emotionally drained. I feel stunted in my growth toward adulthood, and I've also lost my connections to my childhood that set me up for this misery. I'm drifting and I'm all alone. I used to turn to God, but since I now hate my life that brings me so much misery, I don't see what I should be so grateful to Him for.

The Bible says all sorts of things about sex, including brother-in-laws marrying widows, fathers and step-daughters, there's a lot of crazy stuff in there that doesn't work today's world. Christianity is not about being "Worldly," I know, but if its effects makes you a total loner then what is it good for? It's like the youth who committed suicide because they were rejected by their communities for being gay; I strongly believed the Christian message that pre-marital sex was a Mortal sin, but following down that road has led me to a much much darker place where Mortal sins are the least of my worries. I encourage you to talk about this with your Newman Center or someone, and see what they will have to offer you in 10 years' time when you're all alone in the world. None of the people giving me that message as a child actually have any idea what it's like to be alone and isolated at 30, and to have turned from once being normal to now being an outsider who needs extensive explanations with dates and when you finally do have sex it will be such a let-down after all these years because how can anything actually be so wonderful to be worth all that agony? And so many people have sexual dysfunction or intimacy issues, you really don't need to actively add any man-made hang-ups or disadvantages to that. If sex is such a Mortal sin then why is it so common and forgiven so easily?

Here's where I am: As part of the superhuman effort not to have sex with my boyfriends, I have always seen dating as a trial to survive, leading to the golden prize of a Husband and Family. That has lead to an inability to enjoy anything or have hope in the future anymore, exactly like in this blog even though it's actually about school: Blog: An Open Letter to Students on the Danger of Seeing School as a Trial to Survive I thought virginity was a trial to survive, and now it's a self-inflicted trauma with far-reaching implications. My church has abandoned me, they tell 20-year-olds to stay virgins but they have no place for 30-year-old virgins. There aren't even any 30-year-old men in church, there's no one to date, and all the youth clubs and single clubs are for younger people. My family too, all they talk about are my brother's babies or my cousin's babies. And I don't even get it myself anymore, so I can't explain it to my friends.

How can I love God for giving me life, when this is what I get for following His followers' rules? No one thinks their life will end up this way. I hope you can make a careful plan for whatever lies ahead.

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Hi Kate. My advice is a bit different than Kristen. I don't think sex will make anyone happier... I was kind of religious growing up, but I only waited because I never got close to a guy that I liked...

What I really want to warn you is to look hard while you're still in college for a good mate.

LOOK REAL FREAKIN HARD.

DO NOT THINK YOU HAVE TIME.

After college, the men disapear. They are gone from your vision. You don't have time to spend with anyone you might meet due to work, and then you'll be expected to have sex with even LESS getting to know each other. Don't think you have to focus on your school work. I'm not saying flunk out or anything, but if you have to get a B instead of an A to date, do it.

Also, online dating sites, aren't that bad. Try them out now while you're young. Even if I got mailed a lot by guys old enough to be my dad... :(; I did get messaged by a couple nice guys. Of course, they all ended up living far away.

Edited by somebody25
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Hahaha Somebody25 that's so true and so sad there's no response but to laugh!

-Kristin

P.S. I just found this great blog post: "Is Abstinence More Dangerous Than Sex?" http://open.salon.com/blog/travis_darby/2009/05/05/involuntary_celibacy_adult_virginity_the_silent_killers

It actually describes my condition pretty well!

P.P.S. Kate, this is your thread - I don't mean to imply that your fate will be the same as my fate - You have many years of hope ahead of you - What are your thoughts? I wish you the best of luck in finding your mate!

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