So this is depression....

[misrbl1]

The situation has finally gotten about as bleak as it can get. Trapped inside a marriage to a woman who loves me, but doesn't stimulate me on any level. I have no desire to be intimate with her, with makes us both feel bad, but she just doesn't do it for me.

There were only two things in the world that made me happy; my little boy, and my OW. My concern for what would happen to my Wifey if I try to leave again has got me handcuffed to her. And I know that OW is not going to hold on much longer. I've tried to give her an out, but she's so commited to us she didn't take it.

Wifey's controlling behavior is still happening, which makes me feel like even more of an ass for believing her when she said things would be different. She promised to take what I had to say and actually listen to me. Well on three different occasions she has ignored me, thrown a tantrum until she got her way, and straight out overruled me. Of course I caved in each instance, just to shut her the hell up, which made me feel bad about myself for not sticking to my guns.

She knows when we go out, we're going to run into OW. Seeing her out KILLS ME. I still love her, she still loves me. And of course while we're out, Wifey wants to put on public displays of affection right in plain view, just to rub salt in both of our wounds. When we go out, I drink, sometimes to excess, it makes Wifey more enjoyable, and a little less irritating. It also takes my mind of how much better OW is than her in every possible way.

Then my family says they want me to be happy, but if I want any kind of relationship with them, it has to be their way. They hate OW with a passion, and sure, I understand why. I fell in love with her while the the three of us were all together. But because Wifey made enough noise about it when I finally realized that I deserved better than the way she was treating me, and OW was the one that could give it to me, they just want to stop hearing about it. So as long as things stay quiet, they don't give a flying f--- about me being happy.

So, all day every day I just have this feeling of deep, dark, unrelenting sadness. Most of the time I'm home, I'm sitting on my couch or outside smoking trying to avoid Wifey. I don't sleep at all, because when I do I have dreams about OW, and the life we were supposed to be starting together. In the last one, there was a baby on the way. While I'm dreaming about her, I'm happy. Then I wake up to the steaming pool of liquid crap my life is, and the sadness multiplies tenfold.

I JUST WANT OUT.