confused

[xSw3etNeSsx]

My life isnt so bad for me but it still doesnt stop me from thinking, if i was dead everything will .....just be, not bad, not good, not anything. Main reasons i wouldnt kill myself is because my family n my dog... idk whats my point im just writing... im 23 Bi and married... I got married at 21 and im actually separated right now i have a high school degree and i just feel like life sucks.. yea there are good moments in life but i think theres actually way more bad one's... Highschool really doesnt prepare you for anything.I never expected life was going to suck so much... anyways im super shy i need to drink to actually be social... I dont work or go to school cuz the fear of failing infront of ppl. I think im depressed but im not sure cuz sometimes i feel fine. I think i have anixenty problems thats why i dont work or go to school... I barely even go outside... Also my marriage god did it suck lol I got marriaged for the wrong reasons i barely like my husband. I also have love issues I think im in love one minute and the next i dont. I dont know whats wrong with me. Then theres my sex problems... i dont really like having sex , i rather watch tv... so my husband hated that.... I tried to make it work with my husband even though i barely liked him but he had his own problems which he took out on me.... he loved me too much... He didnt want me talking to no one we moved to washington for a year and in that whole year i left the house maybe 20 times... then when we lived with his family he didnt let me hang out with his brother or sisters... i was going crazy so after 4 years i told him i was leaving... we still talk he wants to get back together but i dont know ... Did i mention all he does is fight, Im a very calm quiet person hes the oppisite... and even if im not saying anything he would call me every curse he can think of... It bothered me a little cuz im suppose to be his wife n he treated me like shit... but i handled it cuz really his opinions didnt matter to me i barely even liked him.. ok im tired ...

Advice plz or opinions thankz

[Waiting]

Hi confused.

Well I think it is good you got away from your husband, he was obviously a big part of this. Have you spoken with your doctor or a therapist. If you can't afford one look to see if there is any community support.

I suggest you do you best to put your past behind you and look for things you want to do or that you might want to.

Writing can help alot. Sometimes we just need to rant and feel understood.

In terms of failing. We all fail even the people you are worried of failing in front of and unlike your husband they will likely mostly be more sympathetic.

I used to be (and probably still am) similar in terms of failing but only in terms of romantic relationships. Basically I would never tell anyone I liked them. I didn't say anything because I was sure I would screw it up (and in your words fail) and then the connection would fail. Of course not trying would guarantee it would never succeed.

Waiting

[randomperson]

I think many of us here feel we failed in some form or another. But one thing I have gained from this site is that is not so. Most of us have had really bad things happen in our lives to cause our emotional pains. We feel it is our fault that we should be able to fix ourselves. I'm learning true emotional growth takes time and baby steps. I'm proud of the progress I made in the last few months. Even coming to this site was a step forward for me.

Your husband should not be treating you that way. I know from being shy myself normally it is because of low self esteem issues. Sounds like he only increased these feelings which might have also linked into some of the other problems.