Not sure how to do this.

[dorothy]

I'm not usually a reach out over the internet kind of person, but when I looked for local psychiatrists today, for the fifth time this month, I found this website through one of their pages and it seemed more appealing than the $200 I had to pay for for the initial appointment. I was first diagnosed with ADD ten years ago, but two years after medication proved that I was clearly not ADD, my diagnosis changed to manic depression, bi-polar disorder, whatever they want to call it these days. Since then I've been through five psychiatrists, four medications, and one hospital stay that nearly broke me.

I'm at a place in my life where I have some control, but this has only been attained by my refusal to let anyone anywhere near me when I feel anything resembling "too up" or "too down". Okay, I say I have control because right now, in this moment, I feel alright. I'm not great, but I'm not crying on the bathroom floor, but what's is the point of pretending I have control in a forum where I have anonymity? Do you guys get what I'm saying when I say that I feel I'm being honest to say I have control now, but if I said I had no control tomorrow, it would be just as honest?

I don't know what to do. I don't trust medication, but I'm tired of living a life that even entails crying on the bathroom floor. For the few years I've been medication free, but even when I was on the meds I never went beyond an anti-depressant (which, as I'm sure you all know, tends to worsen this condition, hence the hospital stay...thank you Christian based therapy) I'm afraid of what a mood stabilizer does, and I'm afraid of what it doesn't. I'm afraid my condition isn't real and I'm afraid that it is. I'm terrified to waste more money on therapy I won't utilize and pills I'm going to throw down the sink, but I'm terrified to spend more money on the needless things I want to buy when the numbers in my bank account don't matter.

I'm lost and I'm confused. But mostly I'm ashamed because I don't know how to handle this. I'm older now and I want to do something proactive before I watch myself ruin everything I've worked for while I felt okay. Things are finally looking good and I'm afraid my sabotage of it all has already begun. I know what a spiral looks like, but somehow it isn't enough to stop my from spiraling.

I think part of my problem is I feel isolated. My family has been burdened enough, and I live at least four hours away from them all. I try to let my significant other help, but I know it's frustrating, and how do you ask help from someone when you know it will pass and tomorrow it could be obsolete? No one else in my life knows anything about this. My closest friends, my co-workers, my professors, no one. nothing. and I'd be mortified if they did.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. I just don't know what to do, and I thought maybe this would help. Your posts help me because I know I'm not alone here, and it makes me feel less like I'm weak and more like I'm suffering from something real, instead of the imaginary thing I so often think it is. So thank you, and if you stuck with me this long, thanks a lot.

[Mark]

Dorothy,

I think you've expressed quite brilliantly how difficult it can be to cope with an ongoing chronic mental disorder. In your case, the condition, which I gather is Bipolar Disorder of some form (whether with full mania or with hypomania you don't make clear) is not so debilitating most of the time that you cannot function, but which never goes away, and never really allows you the self-control to stop yourself once the mania kicks in. and that is the point of it being a disorder; you don't have good self-control and your judgment goes out the window, until the wave of the mood is past and you wake up to regrets and depression.

The mood stabilizers are what usually are prescribed for bipolar conditions. Like lithium. These keep your mood more flattened, but the downside to them, apart from the fact that they are serious medications with side effects and the need for ongoing blood level monitoring is that they flatten your mood. So you feel flatter, and that is not how most people like to feel. So it's a sort of catch 22. I've never been on Lithium myself and so cannot comment on what that is like. There are many people with Bipolar that swear by it and say it has saved their lives. And there are many people who don't want to take it. You might at least give it a try (or the alternatives to lithium that are available today) so as to see if you can tolerate it and if it provides you with more stability. Stability of mood does seem to be an ongoing problem for you, based on your report.

Isolation is a significant problem for people - not just people with a mental illness or condition, but all people. People are social by nature (most of us, even the introverted ones), and being alone without someone we can confide in and love is depressing. Do you have ideas about how to lessen your isolation any? Has anything you've done ever helped this in the past? Reaching out on this board is a good idea, I think, and there are other boards like this one, but there is no substitute for actual friends and family.

Mark

[paula]

Hi Dorothy

I too suffer with Manic Depression or Bipolar Disorder, whatever you want to call it.

For the few years I've been medication free, but even when I was on the meds I never went beyond an anti-depressant (which, as I'm sure you all know, tends to worsen this condition, hence the hospital stay...thank you Christian based therapy)

You mention above about anti-depressants tends to worsten this condition? Well.... I like to tell you that I'm on Two different sorts of Anti-depressants to help control my moods. Mertazapine 45mg & Dosulepin 150mg along with Vallium and Dicloflex. The Vallium I take 10mg x4 daily & the Dicloflex I take

50mg x3 daily.

I've never heard that they worsten your condition? This might explain why I've been like a bull in a china shop lately? My G.P never mentioned anything and I've been seeing him on a weekly basis, Practically.

Anyway thanks for that. Some new amunition to throw at him when I see him tomorrow. Or rather some new amunition that I can write in a letter to him tomorrow.

[Ronny]

I'm at a place in my life where I have some control, but this has only been attained by my refusal to let anyone anywhere near me when I feel anything resembling "too up" or "too down". Okay, I say I have control because right now, in this moment, I feel alright. I'm not great, but I'm not crying on the bathroom floor, but what's is the point of pretending I have control in a forum where I have anonymity? Do you guys get what I'm saying when I say that I feel I'm being honest to say I have control now, but if I said I had no control tomorrow, it would be just as honest?.

Hi hi. You talk like i do:)(seem to think like me to). Always looking on the same issue in 20 diffrent perspectives.

Always why the why, how the how.

I'm lost and I'm confused. But mostly I'm ashamed because I don't know how to handle this. I'm older now and I want to do something proactive before I watch myself ruin everything I've worked for while I felt okay. Things are finally looking good and I'm afraid my sabotage of it all has already begun. I know what a spiral looks like, but somehow it isn't enough to stop my from spiraling.

No need to be ashamed:), So far i think you handled evrything as perfect you can in your circumstances. Dont think so much about failure, rather think about sucsess. You feel like your sinking again, but you been able to be that high up and you already been that far down. No matter how bad it might get I know you can handle it. I belive in you:).

I think part of my problem is I feel isolated. My family has been burdened enough, and I live at least four hours away from them all. I try to let my significant other help, but I know it's frustrating, and how do you ask help from someone when you know it will pass and tomorrow it could be obsolete? No one else in my life knows anything about this. My closest friends, my co-workers, my professors, no one. nothing. and I'd be mortified if they did.

Isolation is never easy. I reqnoize myself a lot here as well. More and more i am on this site i see i can practiacly relate to anyone about 1 thing or another.(if not all). I never trusted medication either, ive seen abuse on it and ive seen people fall cause of it. Me to have many times had that feeling not to bother my family cause they struggle, but we struggle to(and we arent any less importand then they are). Wich is quite often the reason we do not bother them(it dosent make sence but it is quite often true)..

You realy need to talk to at least someone, its maybe good enough to talk about it online. But you feel and know of course if that is good enough for you. I was always forced to close up things inside and it can make you go crazy, then later become quite confused about basicly evrything. What to do?. Where to go?. Where do i stand?.

I dont know why, but i feel like you can work this out by yourself(not ment in a bad way,dosent mean you should stop post here.). But i belive you know best yourself. If your a little like me that i ges you are. We can see things from all angles thus we can see the outcome and know what to do.Although sins we do that we see many paths and many choices wich were sevreal might be correct. But its not always easy for ther is always a part of us that says noo, even tho deep down you know its correct. And we usaly think about what makes the correct choice wrong. However if you are like me, we think to much^^. You just need a little guidance and a little push in the right direction.

Trust in yourself

Edited October 2, 2008 by Ronny

[Angie]

Hey Dorothy!

I think it's great you've found this forum, & are reaching out & looking for better solutions...

Have you tried tweaking the nutrition (or considered maybe taking supplements) yet? This really helped me a lot in some cases... I still haven't figured everything out but it's much better than it used to be... & if I feel lousy I usually know why

Beans (& other protein) are a natural mood stabilizers, while sugar & such can make me go wah-wah.. up & down...

Maybe you are lacking some important vitamins/minerals? Are you maybe vegetarian-ish/vegan (or not eating enough vegetables? ), or eating a lot of processed food? things to check out...

Everybody is different, & must find own balance... You could check your vitamin/mineral intake with food on fitday.com or Cronometer for a while, & see how you go.. I found I was lacking a lot of them.. especially zinc & B12, & possibly Magnesium etc, when I was vegetarian-ish.. & I was eating too little protein.. you can then either adjust foods you eat or consider supplements... fish oil (with omega 3) helped me a lot too, to feel more balanced & not as easily upset..

There's a doctor on YouTube saying that kids with ADD are basically suffering from toxic environments & unhealthy food, & their brains are 'starving' for vitamins & minerals... There's an experimental treatment of depression with vitamins & minerals too, & it seems to have really helped some people.. Even criminal behaviour can be reduced with healthier nutrition.. (there were studies done, you can find that online) If you google 'bipolar nutrition' you will find quite some articles too.. you might even have a food sensitivity, or a few, in which case keeping a food journal would be really good...

also, going for a daily walk (hopefully in the sun) is a big positive factor on my mood too..

& my journal (RL notebook) is of great help too.. I try to do some 'homemade CBT' (=cognitive behavioral therapy) - like found in Dr Burns' The Feeling Good Handbook; I call it 'denegativizing' If you haven't read the book I do recommend it...

just a few ideas... I prefer natural treatments too..

It's great you have a significant other & are taking steps to get better!

Hope things get better soon!!

Edited October 9, 2008 by Angie

[dorothy]

To Paula: yes, this is what I was told. Since I wasn't on a mood stabilizer the antidepressants brought me way up (but honestly, I have never taken the medication prescribed to me daily, some days it went down the sink instead) so when I crashed I really really crashed. But of course I have no medical training or anything resembling it so I'm sure other people know far more than me.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar II (and from what my research tells me there is a lot going on with that right now) so it really is manageable most of the time. I think more than anything I'm just tired of thinking about it, and wondering if my life could be better and I could be happier if I would take the medication route. I was always told by therapists that I owed it to not only myself, but my friends and family as well. So I guess we'll see how things pan out.

thanks a lot for all the replies. I can't explain it but just there really is something therapeutic about writing something knowing that maybe someone else will read it. I'm really glad I found this site, and coming here to read things has made late lonely nights less lonely. Thanks Everyone!

[paula]

Hi Dorothy

Sorry its taken me a bit of time to get back but I'm on one of my downer's at the mo and it's crap!

After the trouble I caused last time that I was on one of my downers, I try and stay away a bit!

I hate all this mood swings that you suffer when you are going through Bipolar! It's crazy! Well I'm crazy should I say!

Do you know it gets to the stage that I don't know what I want anymore?

At the mo I'm in between meds. At first on this new med, I thought I'd cracked it! But no! I'm back to the feeling tired through the day, never of a night, and snapping all the time.

I feel like I've been dragged through the wars. I'm aching all over, don't want to be bothered with anything, It takes me all my time to get dressed! I just feel totally pissed off all the time! Even coming on the computer is boring me!

Anyway, hope you are keepin fine. Take care!