dorothy Posted September 25, 2008 Report Share Posted September 25, 2008 I'm not usually a reach out over the internet kind of person, but when I looked for local psychiatrists today, for the fifth time this month, I found this website through one of their pages and it seemed more appealing than the $200 I had to pay for for the initial appointment. I was first diagnosed with ADD ten years ago, but two years after medication proved that I was clearly not ADD, my diagnosis changed to manic depression, bi-polar disorder, whatever they want to call it these days. Since then I've been through five psychiatrists, four medications, and one hospital stay that nearly broke me. I'm at a place in my life where I have some control, but this has only been attained by my refusal to let anyone anywhere near me when I feel anything resembling "too up" or "too down". Okay, I say I have control because right now, in this moment, I feel alright. I'm not great, but I'm not crying on the bathroom floor, but what's is the point of pretending I have control in a forum where I have anonymity? Do you guys get what I'm saying when I say that I feel I'm being honest to say I have control now, but if I said I had no control tomorrow, it would be just as honest? I don't know what to do. I don't trust medication, but I'm tired of living a life that even entails crying on the bathroom floor. For the few years I've been medication free, but even when I was on the meds I never went beyond an anti-depressant (which, as I'm sure you all know, tends to worsen this condition, hence the hospital stay...thank you Christian based therapy) I'm afraid of what a mood stabilizer does, and I'm afraid of what it doesn't. I'm afraid my condition isn't real and I'm afraid that it is. I'm terrified to waste more money on therapy I won't utilize and pills I'm going to throw down the sink, but I'm terrified to spend more money on the needless things I want to buy when the numbers in my bank account don't matter. I'm lost and I'm confused. But mostly I'm ashamed because I don't know how to handle this. I'm older now and I want to do something proactive before I watch myself ruin everything I've worked for while I felt okay. Things are finally looking good and I'm afraid my sabotage of it all has already begun. I know what a spiral looks like, but somehow it isn't enough to stop my from spiraling. I think part of my problem is I feel isolated. My family has been burdened enough, and I live at least four hours away from them all. I try to let my significant other help, but I know it's frustrating, and how do you ask help from someone when you know it will pass and tomorrow it could be obsolete? No one else in my life knows anything about this. My closest friends, my co-workers, my professors, no one. nothing. and I'd be mortified if they did. I don't know what I'm looking for here. I just don't know what to do, and I thought maybe this would help. Your posts help me because I know I'm not alone here, and it makes me feel less like I'm weak and more like I'm suffering from something real, instead of the imaginary thing I so often think it is. So thank you, and if you stuck with me this long, thanks a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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