It's all so bizzare

[Wifish]

I got married 4 months ago to a man who seems to have a unique issue. He can be the sweetest man until something emotionally upsets him.

It is normal for people to have disagreements in marriage and it is normal for people to feel hurt by our partners but my husband have additional issues. It seems his reality and mine are not the same. As soon as he becomes upset he adds events (that never happen) to "prove" how I am at fault. He actually makes up stories and believes these, which he insists are true. I recently convinced him to go with me to counseling at our church. But the counseling seems of no value since he fabricates stories, pitching my word against his. For some reason he seems to have an immense need to feel justified, so much so, that he will fabricate events to "prove" that he is right. He also seems very sensitive to things I say, which he sees as a personal/verbal attacks on him.

This is becoming bizarre and very confusing. He is also keeping a file on his computer about my "wrong-doings" against him and has started to video taping my responses to his accusations. He is also unable to forgive any perceived wrong-doings which results in weeks of family tension. My husband never shares in personal emotions, is controlling and is not a team player.

My husband grew up in an abusive home. His father was an alcoholic who abused his family and sexually abused his daughter (my husband admires his father). His mother seems to have the same issues my husband have, namely she has absolutely no regard for anyone except her own "reality" and she believes whatever she decides to believe. My husband blames all of his childhood problems, even his father's crimes on his mother.

I have sympathy with my husband's childhood, but this is effecting our marriage.

I did some research and the best description for his actions are PARANOID PERSONALITY DISORDER, which seems to fit.

The questions I am struggling with are.

How do I deal with this?

How do I get through to him?

What will the future hold living like this?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Wifish and welcome to the community.

You ask some very difficult questions:

"How do I deal with this?

How do I get through to him?

What will the future hold living like this?"

First, I do not know how you can deal with this. At best, it sounds extremely difficult. I would suggest the following:

Try to avoid labelling your husband based on some things you read on the Internet. You will find that it is not helpful to you and can serve to make him feel defensive.

Second, I regret having to tell you that I do not know how you can get through to him. People tend to hear and see only what they choose to see and hear and they cannot be forced into behaving or thinking in any other way.

Third, I cannot predict what the future will hold because no one can make such a prediction. A better question for you to ask yourself is: how much can you tolerate with him before you decide the marriage is hopeless and move to separation and possible divorce? I am not suggesting that is the best possible approach but it comes to my mind because your posting conveys a lot of frustration and hopelessness in dealing with him.

What do others think?

[Someguy]

It will literally take him years if not decades to change.

He either takes responsiblity for his behavior or not.

I know a woman who has BPD, and she acknowledges it

to 'herself'. She's in theropy.

I find most people with personality disorders 'fear' other people.

I guess it comes down to stop fearing people? Stop fearing what

other people think....a residue of our childhood I guess.

[Mark]

This is a really difficult situation. I agree very much with what Allan has said here - the issue is not so much what is wrong with your husband (although it does seem that there are some serious issues in play). You can't fix him or force him to be any other way than he will be. the issue is whether you can find a way to feel good about continuing the relationship (or want to remain in the relationship for some other reason you value). you married this guy, so there must be a lot of positive things about him. But there are also clearly a lot of ways that you both are having trouble doing what couples need to do which is compromise. Love is not always enough to sustain a long term relationship. Mutual goals and compatibility are also pretty vital things to keep it going too.

[Wifish]

I really appreciate all your advice, thanks so much! This is the first place I found that allows me to "speak" about this.

After reading Mark's reply, I realize that I was actually thinking that he can change. I guess the bottom line is that I should not allow his problems to become mine, but that I should work towards my own goals, given that these goals are beneficial towards this relationship.