I dont know what to do

[sadgreeneyes]

I have ptsd about nudity...it has been a struggle over 17 years, it got triggered by a statement from my first boyfriend, he stated everyone wanted a baywatch woman, now it feels worse than ever, like if my husband will see nudity ( woman ) I know I just want to disappear, run away, I cry, I get cranky and I start to blame the man he is looking, my heart is racing and I feel of no worth, I feel humiliated and shameful, it is horrible. Now I am frequently having bad dreams about my ptsd problems. In my dreams I cant find my husband and I dont know what he see, I run around trying to find him and there is nudity in my face everywhere and I am so vulnerable and scared. When I wake up I think about the dream and my ptsd all day. The dreams have started after I married 4 months ago in Jordan ( he´s not her yet) because I know that my husband will come here to my country and because of this my ptsd will be unbearable. Many times I am thinking about plans how to avoid it in my home,dont know how to.. like the tv, but outside my home I dont know what to do,like in summertime. I remember when I was around 6 years old that I was shameful being naked and a pic was taken of us all. I had to hide with my arms around me. It was bad. I have had two episodes at age 13 where I did something sexually in front of my father but dont think he did see me, I am ashamed about it and dont know why I did something like this. In my adult life I always have had disgusting feeling if my father had his hug, I have felt that he think I think sexual if I look at him for more than 3 seconds or so. I remember I was thinking my father was thinking sexually in my teenage years, like I had force thoughts to close the bedroom and bathroom door in case he would come in. I guess I had these thoughts because of my brother, he did come to the doorstep in a sexually way and it was unpleasant. At age 12 a married man show me porn and told me not to tell the wife.

I fear so much this nudity now when my husband will come, I dont know what to do. I have told him little bit about my fear, he has said he doesnt need any channel at all, just his own in Jordan. And that is ok because they dont show any bad things so much. It means I have to sacrifice my channels as I am to afraid having them in case I get into my ptsd situation.

I dont know what to do. And I dont know why I have so much fear and horrible feelings around this. I am thinking I wont be accepted if I get any outbreak. And I dont want to have this, I dont want to experience this again. If my husband loves me do you think he will help me with this? to make it better for me? I think if I tell my husband he will maybe use it against me, if he loves me he will not of course, but my earlier boyfriend used it against me to hurt me, he was abusive. I am afraid what if my husband is like that too.

[chatterbox512]

Sadgreeneyes,

Are you in counseling? This is something that there seems to be a deeper rooted issue that is causing this fear. It is very scary, and if you don't talk about it I fear your fears of nudity would just get worse.

When does your husband come home? Are you okay with nudity in the dark? Is it just the nudity or is it the intimacy also? There are definately ways to work around this fear while you are figureing out the root of the issue, but I wouldn't avoid it for to long. If you are unable to address this it is possible it could put a large wedge into your marriage, and make it hard for it to survive. Especially if this fear includes intamacy. You have a good thing working for you right now in that your husband is in another country, so you don't have to work through the fears with your husband while you are working through them with a counseler. That can make it much much worse.

[sadgreeneyes]

Chatterbox,

thank you so much for replying to me, I have been thinking starting counseling...I am just so slow and hope I find some good counseler that is free or not expensive. I wasnt so clear, being nude myself with my husband isnt a problem neither is intimacy. Its only other womens nudity, I know when or if my man see this I get all the symptoms I mentioned. And I dont know why. I have problems identifying what feeling I feel the most but it is a mix of all the feelings I mentioned, maybe I even feel embarrassed, it makes me think am I rejecting the nudity onto myself for what I did in front of my father? I feel exposed, that my man "see" my inner thoughts, that I am humilated, like kinda degraded, yes I feel I am to be ashamed for what this woman is doing...what is happening on the tv. Sounds like rejecting? My heart races like I need to escape.I am not jealous or anything, its just a horrible feeling this nudity,its embarrassing and feel I am exposed.

My husband will come maybe in 6-8 months so its good idea start counseling before he is coming. Its just that I feel counseling wont help me as the tv will still be in the home. Maybe I can get help,I am scared I cannot feel any relaxed about this with counseling, the feelings are so strong and I know nudity is sinful like on tv and so on, I am religious too and beside having this ptsd I feel that it is my right not to get Satan into my living room, because it is evil. We know it is destroying families and all. I want to get rid of the fear but also I want to have the right to be safe and happy in my own home:confused:

[sadgreeneyes]

When I think so much about what I feel when being exposed to the nudity together with my husband I actually feel that what this woman is doing is making me feel embarrassed. And its like I feel my man have a pleasure of seeing me humiliated or something. I dont know its like they both abuse me. The woman on tv is somehow nude or totally nude and if the woman act seductive at same time my fear and feelings gets much stronger than if she was nude and acting normal.

It has something to do with the way she behave herself when nude. Can it be me who project my own nudity...what I did in front of my father...onto myself? One of the episodes at age 13 I did dress halfway off and acted sexually. Luckily my father was outside the home so dont think he saw me. But I felt so ashamed. Nudity is much worse if the woman act seductive or sexually. Just like I did in front of my father.

[chatterbox512]

In counseling you will probrably be helped to understand why you are having nudity issues, because understanding the reasoning behind the reactions is usually the first steps to dealing with it.

Are you talking about porn? Or are you talking about everyday things like half dressed girls in magazines, and in movies?

Alot of people don't like to watch porn because the women and men in them are portrayed very unrealistically. Very seldom to you see a 'normal' sized woman both in porn and in movies where there is casual removing of clothing. As hard as it is to see yourself as anything else than what you see in your mind, a 'normal' sized woman is not a size 2, they are a size 10. They have stretch marks and cellulite. And alot of us are not happy with what we see in ourselves so comparing ourselves to other women is completely normal. We all have things we don't like about ourselves that we see on others as being perfect (hips, breasts, thighs, butt, stomach etc.). Do you think this is the reason why you don't like to see others naked? Where you experimenting with masterbation at 13, and where ashamed? Alot of parents place their beliefs of sexual maturation on us starting at an early age. It is possible that this was something that was frowned upon in your family, and because you were exploring you felt like a bad person. I don't know, I am not a therapist, but these are some of the things that one will explore with you.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi chatterbox,

it is more bad with women in magazines,porn and stuff of course but we dont have channels like that so this isnt the problem and will not be the problem,I know porn is sick and that the women are fixed, not only are they fixed but they are whores too. Its kinda ridiculous, people call them porn stars but in reality they are whores. There are no porn stars. Who wants to be like that lol. But I feel this bad feelings even if its not women like that, I feel this way no matter she has small breast or big, it doesnt matter in the end because to me all nudity is bad. I will not go to the beach with my husband. You know you will laugh now because what I am going to say will be not understandable for anyone I think...one time I was sitting with an ex, I was visiting him hoping we could get back together, on tv there was a program about africa and women down there and you have seen how their breasts are, long down on the stomach...lol yeh and you know I even fear that!! can you imagine? and I have a good body and big enough breasts and real are they too...lol so why would I fear or cry for an african woman with that kinds of breasts??? so it cannot be how the women look...it must be a deeper rooted thing as you say.. my ex was laughing at me saying how could I be scared of that when I look like I do and she like she did...I still dont know myself.

So its not all about how they look or not even nice looking women are worse for me, because I still feel bad even for women who are not nice looking, it is the nudity in itself. I dont know why it is so bad. But it is the seductive behavior or a naked scene in a normal movie for example that is the worst for me. Like I could never watch the bachelor women or something that contains a woman wearing bikini, beach programs, this is little bad for me too but not as bad as a naked scene. I feel little worth when there is totally naked woman. It is the feeling I have to face that feels so bad, it is so bad. If only knew why this is so bad because before my first ex stated about baywatch I never had had this thinking or feelings before. It was my ex who triggered something in me, a light went up and suddenly I understood I´m not loved or something when this happen. And this feeling of not being the best for my man is a very bad feeling. I think I am sure I am not loved if my man see other naked woman and I dont know why. I feel so humiliated.

[chatterbox512]

Sadgreeneyes,

I am sorry that you feel like this!! It sucks feeling like you don't really know what is causing you to feel the way you do. I can only hope for you that some day you can work through it and come to appreciate the human body for the beautiful thing that it is. Until then take small steps if you can to work through it, and also if you can talk to a counseler that can really help you deal with it. I would hate for this to end up being a wedge that keeps getting bigger and bigger in your marriage and ends up being the end of it. But that is not the important part, it is for you to be comfortable, not horrified with the way you see nudity.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi chatterbox,

yes I wish I knew the reason why I feel all these terrible feelings,it hits me right in the chest when it happens, like a chock, like for example the feeling of chock you get when you think you will fall down somewhere and have to grab something not to fall, my heart races and I know I soon will start to cry. There is nothing wrong with the human body, but for me our body is suppose to be holy and there is nothing in my opinion that says we shall appreciate the beauty of a body. A body is holy and not meant as a gift for people to watch. I´m not sure what you mean with saying appreciating it?

I appreciate my own body of course,but I dont go around appreciating other womans body, I´m not lesbian...lol...I dont mean anything wrong though...I am sure it is me who doesnt understand what you mean:)

Anyway there is a deeper root to this and it would maybe be easier for me to handle this if I knew the cause for it.