When an artist goes too far - cutting [heavy triggering]

[Darkness]

Hi, I am Darkness. As my screen name implies, there is something very dark about my auora. But don't despair or be afraid, it is not evil. It is mysterious, it is vauge, it is inviting, and it is my artistic side.

Much of my writtings, detail struggles, mostly the main charcters are good people dealing with all kinds of problems or abuse, and fighting within themselves to tame and control the emotional currents within, and in a few some of them use these to propell themselves through the events, and use the anger and pain to give them a reason to keep going and give them determination and energy to do so.

My drawings though are different, they focus on negative feelings and bloodied words like 'betrayal' 'pain', and such with various effects. Blood is present in the majority of my drawings, and I am drawn to it.

Beginings of cutting

When I was 15, I first started cutting, and I went too far. At one point, and I have done this more than once, I wrote in my blood on paper and kept it. I am fixated on blood, its symbolism and metaphorical meaning goes so far, and I justify the act of cutting myself often.

Is it wrong? Many cut for different reasons, some find a rush, others to cope. At first, it was to cope for me with some problems I had. Mostly, I was dealing with my alchohlic step-dad's and mom's divorce, then a fell for my best friend, and from there it did not end well. My step-dad raised me from young, and he was my father for so long until he betrayed and abandoned me, wanting nothing to do with me after 13 years of my life, from before I could speak or walk, and then to this day he still talks trash behind my back. He is a socio-path, and I mean that literally.

Near the end, before I chose to go to a hospital for cutting, I would openly show it to people, the paper with blood on it. I don't know why, maybe I wanted someone to care. Maybe I wanted attention, maybe I didn't realize the damage it would do, or didn't care. My aspergers often make it hard to distinguish social situations.

That was a secondary reason though for going, I also wrote a list of people I was mad at at school, and I didn't go anymore because of the rumors and the strife that would happen. It was blown out of proportion, yes, but it did say 'if i went crazy i would kill these people'.

After I got out of the hopital, I have cut on and off. I did once when my step dad and mom got back together. Seeing him say something mean to her every night and her cry a little I couldn't stand.

Relapses

I did again big when I went to my most recent school two years ago. I still go there, I'm a senior now. I had to redo a year after homeschooling with my biological dad and my step-mom didn't work out, with it escalating to then kicking me out after several issues with my Dad being so controlling trying to make a "christan" enviorment. Even now he has reconciled and said he was too controlling.

The school I go to now is a private Christian school. Personally, I think most of the staff is hypocritical. They are Penacostal, and a few statements made towards me by the principal such as "If you don't believe 100% in what this school does, you don't/shouldn't be here." So many people were on my side with this, or at least agreed to a degree, including people from the school and facaulty that have since gotten other jobs and graduated students as well. I was almost expelled that day earlier this year for not leading the American pledge for I do not believe in the words "I pledge alliegence... and to the republic for which it stands." On the premise our founding fathers wouldn't want us swearing loyalty to our government, but to the ideals of popular sovernty, natural rights, and protection of our rights. I wasn't even allowed to explain my positon.

Some of the handleing when I first went there with joking and teasing that often crosses into degrading harrasment got it starting again the first year I was there. Thankfully I have seen steps against this, but some 'joking' is still going on, but it is proggress, and I now see pressure put on the school.

Last major incedent

About a year ago, I cut myself too hard, I meant to do just one, but I had a serrated blade and I had to get stitches. Since then the only thing keeping me from occassional cutting was the memory of the sickening sound of when I cut myself. I had to get stitches, it cut down to the fat tissue on my arm, and I did this on my own camera, recording it. Before then it was a huge thing of swearing and huge rage while music blarred in the background. It was directed at a guy that I thought was a real bully, that started dating the girl I was high over heels obessed with for about a year. Eventually, I got the message from her to just go away when she told me she felt like she was being stalked. I never meant for that, and I legitimentaly cared for her though I never knew her really well.

Most recently

I have entertained thoughts of starting again, but the sound of that knife in me is sickening. When I got stitches, it was a defining moment for me, but I have cut since then a little.

Alot of stress has come again, and since that first year when I was 15, every two years I screw something up big. I have also noted a rather minor incident that starts as a trigger of emotions to cause something even bigger, and I am due for one in a few months according to the pattern. This will be the third cycle.

When I first started, it was the tips of my fingers. When I replased big both times, it was my upper arm. When I get stressed and sneak it at school, it is my ankle. It has almost exlusively been on the right side of my body, I kind of revere the left side in a way, I guess just because I am left handed.

But is cutting wrong?

Is it? Is it not better than drinking or drugs? People tell me I might kill myself, and yes, if I cut at my wrists or somewhere, and it was stupid of how I did it when I got stitches, but is it really wrong if done responsively?

I love the sight of the blood on my body, and when I sneak it at school, it is exciting when no one catches me. I went from coping to seeing blood to sometimes now getting a rush.

Worse of all, if this is bad, if you are freaked out by this, it will literally bring a smile to my face. But if I am called a freak, I will be upset.

Why do I enjoy freaking people out like this? Perhaps I have contempt for "sheltered" kids, or people who think they have problems but got loving parents and had a good life. I am not sure.

For people who do do it, I kind of feel this bond with them. There is something about it that attracts me. If I know a girl that I know does it, for some reason my mind makes this idea that she might make a possible girlfriend, that is, if certain other similarties set in as well.

Partly for me, there is a hazy and vuage line between my artistic statements and styles/choices and cutting and blood, and I no longer know the difference.

Tell me why you think it is wrong

If you are willing, give me reasons why you think it is wrong. I am intrested in knowning, as alot of people contend that it is, and if it really is, perhaps I do need a reason to never do it again.