my sister needs help to cope with knock backs

[jlambert]

Hi

I'm looking for some advice. My sister has had depression problems for around 10 years now, but I proabbly only found out about 6 years ago.

She's a very pretty, girl in her 20's and is a single parent.

She doesn't seem to be able to cope at all well with knock backs, particularly where men are involved. But when she does have have a set back, no matter how minor, she feels like it's all her fault and that she's a failure and what has she done for bad things to happen to her all the time etc. This usually means no sleep, dramatic weight loss (stops eating altogether for days on end) and constant crying.

The most recent incident was a boy that she had dated many years ago had recently been in touch saying that he had always been in love with her and did she want to meet up with him. Now she didn't meet up with him becuase she was worried about letting him into her life with the baby, but did continue to text and have telephone conversations with him. Anyway after three months she found out he was actually living with a girl and this girl had found out he'd been texting her!

My sister was devastated at this and has been incredibly upset, depsite the fact that she hadn't really got into a proper relationship with the guy. She's been on the phone to me several times a day, and texting me, in an absolute emotional mess asking me why people keep doing this to her and why would somebody want to treat her like this, what had she done wrong?

Now, if it was me, I would just pass this off as another bloke being a b~stard and thank god i hadn't got involved with him, but my sister is devastated and I think it's down to the way she deals with and copes with rejection.

Is there anything I can do to help her, because this isn't the first time this has happened. She has ahad a long line of blokes that I think play on her vulnerability and they always seem to have a girlfriend or are just using her. Most of them she has met online or are relationships from years ago and they tend to be very much text/ online/ or telephone based. it's like she is desparate for someone to care. She really is stunning and is a lovely person - how can I make her see she could just date normal guys, and when it doens't work out it's just becuas that's the way life is sometimes?

Can anybody offer any advice at all of how I can support and help her through this?????

Thanks x

[paula]

Hi JLambert

I sympathize with you and your sister. I know how your sister feels, as I often ask the same questions myself?

You don't mention whether your sister is seeking any medical treatment/advice. Your sister could be suffering from Depression? What sort, only a Docter will be able to diagnose.

I have been down this road many times myself! This is life! Shit happens! I just don't understand the mentallity of some people? How some people can be so evil at times! No consideration at all!

Your sister is so much like I was, at taking people at face value! Getting sucked into their evil and malicious traps! She will learn one day!

No matter what you say & do, she has to see what is going on around her, herself. Eventually she will! But in the meantime, you've got to be strong for her. Be there for her no matter what!

Just a bit of advice: No matter what decision's she makes, whether they are good or bad, just go along with whatever she decides! If it doesn't work out. just be there for her! Never tell her that you told her so! That you knew that it wasn't the right decision? Because believe me, the last thing she will want to hear is her sister telling her that she knew that she had made the wrong decision? I have been there sooooo many times myself and when I've heard them words 'I told you so,' It has made me begin to hate this person as much as the one that has hurt me! Also, it has got to the stage that I've not told this person things, because I have dreaded hearing the same words over and over again!

Take care!

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi JLambert and welcome to our community,

What your sister is doing is typical of a depressive way of thinking: She is over generalizing and blaming herself. Rather than just brushing him off as you say she should (and you are correct) she is blaming herself, including for everything that has ever happened. This is an example of what we call an "automatic thought" that is not based on reality, is distorted and guaranteed to make her feel miserable. Instead of calling him a bastard, she is attacking herself.

What I would urge her to do is see a psychologist for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy where she can learn to identify her "automatic thoughts" and modify them to match the real situation: "I feel disappointed that he is seeing someone else, it's good I found out now and what a jerk he is."

It takes work to get the hang of thinking this way but it really helps.

Allan