Anger or do i just not know how to hold my temper ?

[ARmudd]

Well, I guess I will start from the begining.

When i was growing up I had two set of parents it seemed like, my mother that would shelter me when I did something wrong, if it were grades or to just being a kid, and on the other side she also watched my dad take things out of context and disaplen me like his parents did, like getting spanked with is leather belt or with his hand like any normal kid with parents that were brought up that way. See the only thing was that she only saw what he wanted to show her, later on or when I was alone I not only received a 3 hour lecture but I have been pushed, shuved & and have had plenty of things thrown at me. The talks as he called them would be me sitting down infront of him usually crying but sill showing him respect, like looking him in the eye's and not talking unless i was asked a question. I not only told my father i hated him but moved out when i was 15. I could not take that household but i felt guilty for leaving my mom and brother to deal with his 6 month blow ups. So instead of feeling the guilt I got into church and became the lead guitarist of the youth band. It really changed my life but the anamosity would stay in my heart. When i was twenty I moved back in, I had just Broke up with my girlfriend, my safe haven that lasted almost 5 yr's, That first year for me was devistating, I became a alchoholic and really didn't care about my wealth of life, i forgot about all the thing i learned from church and kinda pisted it all away. Well it must have been about a year before I met my Current girlfriend, she was amazing she cared for me and helped with my struggles and i for her, The only thing was i lost who i was before i met her, I kept on lying about the smallest of things like where i went or who i was around even though it really didnt matter, so she caught me in all of that good stuff, and i lyed my way out of those, there was excuse after excuse and I then started to get angry because she would not believe me even though I was lying, And what do you know I started to see myself just like my father the one person that I told myself I was never going to be like. So anyways the abuse came like 8-10 months after we were together she stuck out the lie's because she said I Still had a heart and cared for the people around me and that she still loved me. I started to get worse when conflicks got out of hand and when she was in my face i raised my voice because confrintation set me off. It started to get bad when she would not let me cool off, If things didnt go her way which they never really did because i always took it wrong I started to push her out of the way and when she wouldn't stay out of my way I would shove her out of the way and if that didnt work I would just lock myself in the bathroom with a razor and take my stress out on my arms, it made me relax and if she was not by the door screaming for me to stop I would only cut once or twice but deep & the pain made me feel like I deserved it because i didn't want to be like him. I never learned how to deal with confrintation becuase it was always one way or the other. I have been to two theripist so I know where most of my anger comes from but I still struggle with it I hate myself when I do Mean things but it seems like I flip a switch. Me and my Girlfriend can talk now and have better communication with out me getting to upset but It still gets out of hand. I reciently have pushed her and she stuck her hand out and fractured her thumb, I walk out and never finish what we are fighting about if the conversation is not what I want to talk about. I am fed up with myself and am finding all the steps I need to take to calm myself before I get angry but I still slip, Is their any suggestions other than the obviouse. I dont want to loose this girl but i feel like she might be part of the problem. I no longer feel my old self that part of me is distant, I have lost my friends and have seperated myself from family gatherings, I only feel normal when I am with her. Help I hate feeling like my anger always get's the best of me.

[JaneE]

My heart goes out to you, and I hope that you can continue to see a therapist, stay with your church community and make things work. What your father did to you was so awful, and so unfair!! It wasn't your fault but as adults we have to learn to control our behavior. When I was younger I used to break things and hurt myself (hitting myself in the head with blunt objects), I had a lot of anger over my upbringing, too, and lack of family support (emotional or otherwise). It wasn't 'til many years later that I learned that breaking things, punching walls etc is abusive behavior, I thought I was letting my anger out in constructive ways!! But I can imagine how it looked to others. It did help me to learn that I was being abusive. I don't want to be that way, and so I don't break things or hit myself any more.

Please keep up with your social supports of all sorts, it's going to get you through this, knowing you have a problem and wanting help are so important! Many people never even get that far!!

I hope you'll post again soon and give us an update. Are you fairly young? My anger issues started to mellow in my mid-thirties. Now it's more anxiety, lol, but hey that's an improvement!! Getting tested and having a Personality Disorder diagnosis helped me, because it gave me a framework for understanding myself, and understanding means it's easier to change behavior.

Anyway, take care and good luck!

Jane