How do I fix me?

[StrawberryMoo]

Hi,

I'm a freshman in college and since my freshman year in high school, I've been going through this sad thing that I thought was just a phase, but it hasn't lifted and I dunno. I started cutting in high school but over the past year its gotten so much worse and not a day goes by that suicide doesn't cross my mind.

I guess I just wanted to know if there is anything I could do to fix me. I'm only asking because I realize how stupid I'm being and I'm trying to stop. One of my friends in high school who was going through some things the same time I started cutting, and who use to cut too but who stopped made me see how dumb I was being and how ridiculous this all is. I want to listen to her and just stop being as stupid as I'm being, I want to not want to think about cutting every day and being depressed all the time and being outwardly sad all the time because I know its just me looking for attention and I don't want to be like that.

My roommate had found out and my school made me see one of the counselors but I stopped going because really there is nothing wrong with me. I don't have any problems and nothing bad ever happened to me. I know that me being this way is just hurting other people who don't understand. Like my mom, who blames herself for me being like this...

I just don't understand either you know and I know if it wasn't for my family I'd have killed myself already cuz I hate being this way and everything but it'd make them sad and I don't want that, but I can't help feeling this way.

Can someone throw some advice my way?

[Mark]

Moo,

Three problems I'm hearing: 1) cutting, 2) depressed mood (chronic) with suicidal ideation, and 3) a whole lot of negative self-judgment. You've called yourself stupid multiple times, and I seriously doubt you are a stupid person. Sure, a person who isn't coping as optimally as might be, but not stupid.

How about try substituting "stuck" for "stupid" when you describe yourself. That would be a whole lot more accurate, I'll bet.

Cutting is not a healthy thing to do, but it is compelling and hard to stop once you get into it. It is arousing, for one thing, and it is a way for you to beat yourself up (which goes with the need to put yourself down). it serves needs, is what I'm saying. It's hard to stop. Not at all impossible to stop, but not always easy either.

You say that you want to stop feeling down/suicidal/needing to cut. What sorts of treatments or programs have you tried so far?

Mark

[StrawberryMoo]

In high school I saw a councilor briefly who then referred me to a therapist, but I stopped going because it really was more than we could afford to spend and I didn't think there was anything obviously wrong with me, so I pretty much was just wasting my mom's money.

And last semester I had to go see one of the school's therapists because my roommate noticed stuff and I saw him a few times but I always left feeling worse than when I went and I didn't quite know how to talk to him about anything and really there isn't anything perceptibly wrong [i've been trying to figure out what's wrong but there's nothing, at least nothing that I should feel this bad over]. I stopped seeing him too because I really was doing better at the end of last year and early this year, but it didn't last long.

I'm not saying I don't have good days and I don't feel happy at times but I just can't make the good match the bad days, or even out the happy with the sad.

I know you said use "stuck" but if there isn't anything wrong and as someone made me realize that I'm just doing this for attention, doesn't that mean that I'm being rather stupid?

Lorie

[P.S. -thanks for just replying...I appreciate it]

[Natalie]

Hi-

You seem to be struggling with and very invested in the idea that "nothing is wrong". I am not quite sure what that means for you (you have no symptoms? you aren't too bad? etc). It can be very scary to come to terms with the idea that you are having problems. However, it is really important to do so, because no therapist will be able to do much for someone who doesn't want to participate in treatment (which you probably won't if you think that nothing is wrong).

You mentioned having suicidal thoughts almost daily. You also seem to have symptoms of depression, and are cutting. These are clear and convincing signs that something is not right. It's especially important to deal with suicidal thoughts right away. Getting help is not stupid- it can literally save your life.

[Mark]

I know you said use "stuck" but if there isn't anything wrong and as someone made me realize that I'm just doing this for attention, doesn't that mean that I'm being rather stupid?

What if you are doing this for attention? Is that such a bad thing to want attention when you are hurting? I don't think so, anyway, for what that is worth. You use the word "just" like a weapon to put yourself down.

Thing is, most everyone needs to be connected to other people to feel good about themselves, but some people have a vocabulary for how to ask for help more than others, and they feel less "stupid" about asking for help - the act of asking for help is not seen internally as something weak people do, but just something people do.

No one who is articulate as you are is stupid. I say stuck because something - some kind of heavy shame and/or fear - and possibly a lack of knowledge of other safer ways to ask for help - seems to be preventing you from asking for what you want in a safer way than all this other stuff you've been doing. Your behavior may not be rational, but that is not the same thing as being stupid. My guess is that what you are doing with regard to communicating with others in dramatic self-injurious ways is the best you've been able to come up with given the fears/pressures and skills that you've got to work with right now.

You keep saying nothing is wrong, but that just isn't consistent with the fact that you are as upset as you are. Has someone else told you that nothing is wrong and you're just sort of repeating the party line? Alternatively, does there need to be some big thing that is wrong before it's okay to feel badly? Is there something about feeling badly that is so bad that you aren't allowed to feel that way except when things are really just terrible?

This feels to me like you are trying to please someone (or other people) or not bother them at least and it isn't working out very well for you. You're upset with yourself rather than the other people involved. I could be entirely wrong, but that is how it is feeling to me right now.

[StrawberryMoo]

Hi-

You seem to be struggling with and very invested in the idea that "nothing is wrong". I am not quite sure what that means for you (you have no symptoms? you aren't too bad? etc). It can be very scary to come to terms with the idea that you are having problems. However, it is really important to do so, because no therapist will be able to do much for someone who doesn't want to participate in treatment (which you probably won't if you think that nothing is wrong).

You mentioned having suicidal thoughts almost daily. You also seem to have symptoms of depression, and are cutting. These are clear and convincing signs that something is not right. It's especially important to deal with suicidal thoughts right away. Getting help is not stupid- it can literally save your life.

I understand what you are saying, but I just don't know how to come to terms with thinking that something's wrong when I don't have any valid reason to feel bad all the time.

What makes my life so worth saving anyway, I shouldn't have to depend on anyone to help "save" me, I made myself like this, I should be able to fix it. Is there no way to fix it alone?

[StrawberryMoo]

What if you are doing this for attention? Is that such a bad thing to want attention when you are hurting? I don't think so, anyway, for what that is worth. You use the word "just" like a weapon to put yourself down.

Thing is, most everyone needs to be connected to other people to feel good about themselves, but some people have a vocabulary for how to ask for help more than others, and they feel less "stupid" about asking for help - the act of asking for help is not seen internally as something weak people do, but just something people do.

No one who is articulate as you are is stupid. I say stuck because something - some kind of heavy shame and/or fear - and possibly a lack of knowledge of other safer ways to ask for help - seems to be preventing you from asking for what you want in a safer way than all this other stuff you've been doing. Your behavior may not be rational, but that is not the same thing as being stupid. My guess is that what you are doing with regard to communicating with others in dramatic self-injurious ways is the best you've been able to come up with given the fears/pressures and skills that you've got to work with right now.

You keep saying nothing is wrong, but that just isn't consistent with the fact that you are as upset as you are. Has someone else told you that nothing is wrong and you're just sort of repeating the party line? Alternatively, does there need to be some big thing that is wrong before it's okay to feel badly? Is there something about feeling badly that is so bad that you aren't allowed to feel that way except when things are really just terrible?

This feels to me like you are trying to please someone (or other people) or not bother them at least and it isn't working out very well for you. You're upset with yourself rather than the other people involved. I could be entirely wrong, but that is how it is feeling to me right now.

I don't WANT attention, its like being at war with yourself because I do stuff and afterwards I realize it was just me wanting someone to notice, when i really don't want anyone to notice anything...does that even make sense?

But I don't parade my cutting, people seldom know that I cut, most of my scars are hidden anyway, I DON'T want people to see because I just can't deal with people after they see something like that, yet I have "accidentaly" let someone see them...i just don't understand too well, why if I didn't want attention, that I'd do that.

I don't want to be like this, attention is not what I want, I'd rather just fade into the background but then I do stupid things like that and I have to hit myself in the head afterwards because its not something I should have done or really wanted to do....

My ex-best friend, did help me realize how stupid me acting this way was. She knows a lot about me since we were very close and well since she used to cut as well but kicked it, there really stands to say that I should be able to as well. And I understand what she's saying, if I could just get past myself I could fix me but its not as easy as she makes it seem which is why I'm here...cuz I must not be doing something right. I don't think you have to have a huge reason to feel bad but you should have a reason shouldn't you? Because if you didn't have a reason or it really was just all in your head as my friend really pointed out, then its your fault and you should be able to just fix whats in your head. And really, who wants to be around someone who feels shitty all the time?

At least for me, there is some...I guess redemption or at least a brief respite in cutting, that makes me a little less myself and a tad more likable, being down all the time exasperates people.

[Mark]

But I don't parade my cutting, people seldom know that I cut, most of my scars are hidden anyway, I DON'T want people to see because I just can't deal with people after they see something like that, yet I have "accidentaly" let someone see them...i just don't understand too well, why if I didn't want attention, that I'd do that.

There's a word for this, ambivalence and it is a more common thing than you might think for people to be ambivalent. Maybe you have two motives, one to have attention and cry out for help, and the other to hide/keep secret. You are identified with the latter desire to hide, and not much in touch with the desire for help ??? That's how it appears to be from my perspective, but if that's not it, it wouldn't be the first or last time I was wrong.

One thing is totally clear and that is that you have become a harsh judge of yourself. You are really not very tolerant of any personal weaknesses that you have. And you don't let yourself get away with any slacking in terms of reasons why you might be upset. If you are allowed to be upset it better be some really good reason, or else you're in trouble. It must hurt to need to hold yourself to such harsh standards all the time. You must constantly feel like a failure. That must hurt.

[StrawberryMoo]

Thanks for stating the obvious there Mark, because the quilt of scars on my arms didn't quite tell me that plainly enough......sorry....you didn't deserve that, I understand that you aren't a stand in for any actually consultation or advice.

Thank you sincerely for what you've said so far. I guess there is no solution to this, no real way to fix the problem myself.

You win some you lose some right?

[Natalie]

Thank you sincerely for what you've said so far. I guess there is no solution to this, no real way to fix the problem myself.

You win some you lose some right?

Actually, there are lots of different solutions that might work for you- you just have to be willing to take the first step and ask for help!!!! And no, you may not be able to fix the problem yourself, because you are stuck in a specific way of thinking and behaving that is not helpful. This does not suggest that you are stupid or are a failure- we often need an objective third party (that is an expert in mental health) to help dig us out the hole that we happen to be in.

[nightfalls]

I don't WANT attention, its like being at war with yourself because I do stuff and afterwards I realize it was just me wanting someone to notice, when i really don't want anyone to notice anything...does that even make sense?

But I don't parade my cutting, people seldom know that I cut, most of my scars are hidden anyway, I DON'T want people to see because I just can't deal with people after they see something like that, yet I have "accidentaly" let someone see them...i just don't understand too well, why if I didn't want attention, that I'd do that.

I don't want to be like this, attention is not what I want, I'd rather just fade into the background but then I do stupid things like that and I have to hit myself in the head afterwards because its not something I should have done or really wanted to do....

My ex-best friend, did help me realize how stupid me acting this way was. She knows a lot about me since we were very close and well since she used to cut as well but kicked it, there really stands to say that I should be able to as well. And I understand what she's saying, if I could just get past myself I could fix me but its not as easy as she makes it seem which is why I'm here...cuz I must not be doing something right. I don't think you have to have a huge reason to feel bad but you should have a reason shouldn't you? Because if you didn't have a reason or it really was just all in your head as my friend really pointed out, then its your fault and you should be able to just fix whats in your head. And really, who wants to be around someone who feels shitty all the time?

At least for me, there is some...I guess redemption or at least a brief respite in cutting, that makes me a little less myself and a tad more likable, being down all the time exasperates people.

Hi strawberrymoo

I just wanted to coment on the part you said that " if you didn't have a reason or it really was just all in your head then its your fault and you should be able to just fix whats in your head."

Not that I am really one to talk but I think that if I had a issue with my heart for eg. there would be no way at all I would ever think to try and fix that myself. I'm not that confident in my ability's

the same then would be applyed to our minds- we have know idea how it works or if it is not working well just because it is "our" mind does not mean we are an expert at fixing it.

Just a thought- take care:o

[Sarai]

Hi,

Perhaps you are putting on a charade for the people around you. Eventually you could have gotten so used to acting "normal" around people, that you don't even realize that you are pretending anymore. - Sarai

[Kalima]

I think I know what you mean about it being in your head etc.

I'll do something stupid, like hurt myself, then think 'god I'm so stupid, why did I do that' then it'll occur to me that there isnt anything wrong with me, my brain works I can look after myself I live, work, cope, and I think 'maybe it's all in my head, maybe there's nothing wrong with me and I should get over it'. But thats the whole point, if it is 'just in my head' it's still real, there is a real problem.

Maybe I can cope, maybe you can but, why should you have to just cope?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hello Everyone,

What about the idea that if it's in your head it's real to you?

Also, remember that emotional problems such as depression are illnesses, just like heart disease. I agree. If you had a heart condition, you would not be told to "just fix it yourself." Well, with emotional illnesses, it's the same: people often need to go and get help.

Allan