i'm miserable

[TwoSocks]

I'm a 42 year old male. I have had a turbulent life. Ever since I was a child I have had emotional and social problems. i.e. 1) attempting suicide when I was none 2) drinking when I was twelve 3) Vandalism from eight to fifteen. I have never fit in anywhere except for a time when I hung out with substance abuse users. I have had very few friends over the last 25 years and the 2 I have had were very negative influences, and that really just took advantage of me. I have had girlfriends for short periods of time but they were just party girls. I was married once to a woman that took advantage of me for a Visa to the country. I have no children. I have no one I can talk to and have essentially been completely alone the last 3 years. No social interaction outside of 1 time when my landlord took me out for a beer. I talk to my parents a couple times a year when I call them. No other family in my life.

I got my BA degree in psychology in 1994, in hindsight, for primary self-help reasons. I thought at the time I wanted to help others but the truth was I didn't want myself nor anyone else feeling like I did or dealing with the thing I had dealt with. I had plans for graduate school but worked in the helping profession's for about three years before going back to school to get a computer science degree - with the help of the division of vocational rehabilitation. I loved working with autistic children and head-trauma patients but I couldn't get alone with other co-workers. I felt shunned, isolated, and ganged up on. My best intentions and efforts only seemed to make the other workers hate me more.

Seen 1999 when I got my computer degree I have worked six contract jobs and one permanent position in the field from 1999-2004. I completed the contracts but was never invited to join the company. The 1 permanent position I left after 1 year after feeling the same things described in paragraph above. Since 2004 I have held 7 jobs. One contract I completed after a year at microsoft. Another permanent position was with a mental health center as an adult case manager and they let me go after 2 months. 2 others I quit after a month or so. My last position was another contract at microsoft and they let me go after 2 weeks saying i pretty much didn't fit in with the FTE's there. I have worked maybe 4 months out of last 1 1/2 years. The only thing that has kept me from being homeless is relying on my credit during this time.

I feel so terrible. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm scared to leave my apartment. Sometimes I won't leave for weeks. I go to bed praying I won't wake up. I feel like I am at the end of my rope like I have never felt before. I feel cursed in this life. I don't know to find the will to go on in life? I don't no where to turn for help?

[paula]

Hi Twosocks

I'm sorry you feel the way you do. Join the club! I understand where your coming from!

I suffer from Manic Depression (Bipolar). I know that you mentioned that you are a qualified Psychologist. I would of thought that you of all people would of known who to turn too? Or are tou qualified in a different science? I don't know, I don't understand these thing's. This is why I'm hoping not to put my size 5's in it?

You don't mention any medical help? Are you seeing Doctor over the symptoms that you are having? If not then I would suggest that you do. Obviously, you are suffering some form of depression.

I think, what has made you feel like this is, that people have not given you the chance, after all the hard work that you have put in. You've been pushed from pillow to post! When all you really want is the chance to prove your skills.

When you start a job somewhere, you want to be a valued asset of that company. Not to be shown the door before you've excelled those qualities! I also understand that your looking for stabillity. Somewhere that you can retire happily?

Please don't give up! As the saying goes, the grass is alway's greener on the other side! It's there loss not yours? You have worked so hard to get where you are, it would be ashame to let it all just waste away. Keep trying, you will find work if you just keep holding on?

I hope I've put a glimmer of hope in your head!

Take care!

[serenitynow]

TwoSocks, it sounds like you have so much to offer. Don't throw in the towel yet. There are so many autistic children that you can help, especially in our public schools. Times are so tough for many people right now, so know that you are not alone. And, I think so many of us here can relate to the feelings you have about not wanting to wake up. Those feelings can take over your whole being. But, don't be so hard on yourself. We seem to be our own worst enemies. Just remember your worth and know you are not alone in your feelings of misery.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Twosocks,

I think that Paula and Serenity have been wonderfully sensitive to how you are feeling and I hope you are taking it in.

It seems to me that you engage in a lot of self hate and self rejection.

You know, many of us were not "saints" when we were children and teenagers. Also, many of us had stormy and troubled growing up lives.

It has been my experience that a very large number (it is never everyone) of psychologist and social workers and, yes, psychiatrists, had hard lives and went into mental health careers as a way of curing themselves as well as trying to cure others. This is not a weakness. It is a strenght.

I am not sure why you did not continue to pursue psychology and I do not know why you did not continue to work with autistic children. In fact, one or both of these things I would encourage you to go back into, just as Paula and and Serenity suggest. It is true that curing others is also a way to cure yourself.

Paula asked if you are getting medical help and its a great question. Are you? It would be an excellent idea for you to enter psychotherapy so that you could work on your issues and find a sense of peace and even happiness in your life. I have the idea that once you learn how to like and appreciate your self, others will be able to like you as well. Up until now I would guess that you hated your self so much that you unwittingly got others to reject you.

What about the idea of psychotherapy for your self and what about the idea of working with autistic kids when you feel ready? I do not know but it is possible that some medication for you mood might be a good idea along with psychotherapy.

Allan

[TwoSocks]

Yes ASchwartz, I agree with you and need to thank Paula and Serenity for their caring and thoughtout responses as well.

My self hatred has always been there. I try to compensate for it by being very cognizant about trying to care for others and do good deeds. Thinking that as you act so you will receive. That hasn't panned out at all. I had ever intention of going to Graduate school after my Psychology degree. Those 3 years I ran into the same things that I'm dealing with now in the computer industry. Not relating with others, feeling that I don't below, and not part of the group. When I worked with Autistic children it was as an Educational Assistant for the school district at a handicap center. I worked with the same group of children before and after then went to school. I was working alone side middle aged woman that really knew each their whole lives, went to school together, and in cases were even extended family. They didn't have degrees outside of high school. I didn't fit in and I felt a lot of resentment for being in "their space". i.e. I was working with a Autistic teenage who was 26 years old and was severely autistic. Non-verbal and only echolalic. He was about 230 points and 5' 11". Anything that deviated from what he wanted in his head he would lashout at the person closest to him and litterly try and destroy you. Because of this I had been trained in professional response training and safe restraining moves. He would lose it at least once a day and it would take 3-4 adults to restrain him. The other assistances that I mentioned I think got it in their head that I wasn't being motherly enough with him or something and that his behavior was some how a result of what I was doing. The most established in the group confronted me about it and then proceeded to engage the teenager talking sweetly to him and leaning in on him. He punched her right in the nose and she landed on her back. She then beraited me that I had brought the teenager to this point where he doesn't trust anyone. Contrary to the fact that his escalations had decreased since I had been working with him. This I know because I had worked with him at the group home where he lived for 4 months before going to the school. After that I was even more ostersized by the group. I got great letters of recommendation from all the special education teachers I worked with. I was great at working with all the children. I felt so out of place though with my co-workers. Weighing not feeling like I fit in, with that I was in debt from my 4-year, couldn't make enough money to keep my car on the road, that at the time there was a recession, and I knew many Master's degree people that couldn't find a professional position and were working jobs that paid what I was making, I left the career path thinking that when I was more financially secure I would return. Well I haven't beocme any more financially secure just more in debt. I have made a lot more money when I have worked but my time lapses between employment have been great. I don't fit with IT either. I'm to sensitive and caring. My background and personality doesn't at all fit. In IT any weekness (having emotions) is an open invitation for people to abuse you. Being caring, thoughtful, and sensitive is like oil to water there. People that can manipulate to their advantage are those that get ahead. Those that can use you. Over the last 10 years I have come to view the world as a very dark place and not matter where I go I will be picked on.

In regards to treatment and medication. I had been on Zoloft from my psychology college years until about 5 years ago - a total of about 10 years. I wasn't adjusting to college campus life well back then and was having panic attacks on a regular basis. I was also binge drinking and got myself so messed up that I needed to drop myself out of college and checked myself into a alcohol treatment center, in which I spent 3 weeks. That was the beginning of my 2nd year of college. My parent's didn't like that at all and broke contact with me for two years because of it. They took it as a personal afront that I would put such a stigma on the family. Over the next two years I had no friends or support, at times living in sleezy rooms for $50 a month and othertime living out of my car or in a tent. I managed to eventually get financial aid to go back to school, once my parents couldn't claim me as a dependent. That was when I went on Zoloft for the first time.

I never really felt like Zoloft helped me very much with my depression. Things came to a head again 5 years ago when I went out drinking and hit a car on the road at 2:30am in the morning. In a split decision I didn't stop. I was arrested for Feloney Hit and Run shortly after, to where I went to felony lock up at the county jail. I was released on bond 3 days later. The person I hit as I learned was also drunk and never seeked medical treatment when offered and he had cut up his hand when he ran after me and fell. I was told by my lawyer that charges where coming. I waited 10 months and over that time he kept telling me they were going to charge me. I learned on my own that I had been exonerated within the first week after the incident. I was such a emotional and psychologic wreck over that time being unemployed because my last IT contract had ended, without health insurance, looking at long jail time, a felony on my record, that I stopped taking my medication. Over these years I haven't had health insurance long enough and been so short of money I haven't had much of the opportunity for a therapist or counseling. Probably I should have made it my first priority in hindsight.

I could go on and on about negative experienes that I have lived through because this is just the tip of the iceberg. I think that I have been so worped by all the things I can't relate with anyone or group I end up working with. When you only see unimaginable hardship for your future how do you find the strength to face it and make it through it, again?

[TwoSocks]

Thank you Paula! Your reply has given me some hope and so appreciate your caring and thoughtful word!

TwoSocks

[TwoSocks]

Serenity, thank you so much for your reply! Your words have real truth and meaning and I'm better for reading them.

TwoSocks

[TwoSocks]

Hi Allan,

Thanks for you reply it is very helpful. Pyschotherapy would be a wonderful thing for me. I hope it someday can come true. I just wanted to send you a quick note giving my appreciation.

Regards,

TwoSocks

[leahmarie]

TwoSocks, it sounds like you have lost too much. Don't give in yet. There are so many things in this world that we can't control. Even though sometimes is tough or may all the time is tough. Always remember there will be always a rainbow after the rain meaning there will always hope if believe in yourself and the good you can give to others. Be strong and keep your goal as your motivation to strive more. In times of misery, be reminded that you'll always have someone to help you. All of us went to trials in life and overcome those by being strong.

[serenitynow]

TwoSocks...just a quick note...there is a VERY strong need in our public schools for special education teachers. With your credentials, you would fit right in and certification would not be difficult after all you've already done. And then (hopefully) you would not be verbally reprimanded by your paraprofessionals. Your experience and support from those who know your work ethics will help your quest. Some school districts will let you work in the system while you earn your degree. I am an educator in public schools and am constantly seeing administrators searching to find special education teachers, especially males.

Whatever you do decide....keep moving forward, one step at a time. Advice that I myself try to live by but often forget!!!

Good luck!

Edited October 14, 2008 by serenitynow