Violence and sex fantasies [triggering]

[Darkness]

Ok, I wanted to talk about this when I first started up here, but was afraid to. It hasn't really went away so I'll say it.

I've been having a lot of fantasies, mostly about rape, but it kinda goes beyond FSRP (forced sex role play) to a degree. For a while I was borderline sexually harassing a girl, and I have fantasized about raping girls I know.

One night, I walked out and went around. I walked around and imagined where I could take a girl easiest and rape her. It was as if I was planning in case I ever wanted to.

The thing is, I know exactly what I would do to her, and how. Currently, I have two fantasies. One more driven on power and dominating, and another on a half-delusion of being her lover. The biggest difference I have noted is that in the first one, if she cries or struggles I get off on it, in the second, I don't.

I know the reason for this; the first one is about power; I feel so helpless and out of control I want to show some stuck up girl what its like when no one cares, like no one did for me. The girl in the fantasy is apathetic, self-absorbed, and all that. Choking is in this one a lot.

The second one it is a girl that would be the kind I would want to be with, and in it it would show in how I treat her.

This is the scary thing, I already know my victimology. I think I have watched too much Criminal Minds lol.

--Now here is where violence comes in. There is a separate fantasy, not directed at specifically women. I have not had it often, and the signature is more important to me than the choice of victim.

It's bloody, with unintelligible and incoherent poetry scribbled on the walls in layers and pieces of art left, this is my signature, with blood spatters everywhere. Sometimes the words are about angst, but there's a lot of 'I'm sorry" written in there.

--- I'm not sure what all this means, or what to do about it. Recently I have had more aggression and have stood up for myself more, but anger and sexual urges are stronger than before. Sometimes I wonder if I would dare rape; to murder would be much more drastic to commit, but I don't know, it concerns me is all.