I say things out of fear

[sadgreeneyes]

I have distrust that leads to fear. Sometimes my anxiety/fear makes me say things I dont mean and it leads to weird conversations as this one :

X is me and Y is him.

X -Maybe I´ll stay in Jordan for one month, what you would say then?

Y -Nothing

X-Nothing? wouldnt you be happy? ( he has already said he want me to come and he be happy, but I still ask as he didnt state again he´d be happy for one month)

Y- Laughing little saying Do you know how expensive it would be for you to be here one month??

I know it would be and know I´m not rational so I say to him I´m joking little even I wanted him to say he´d be happy. And I did get him to say he´d be happy. But then I say even further that maybe I´ll stay 20 years, we were laughing at this point. So little quiet for some seconds before I say that anyway I´m just saying that one day I would like to stay in Jordan and not my country. (Thinking then I would be sure he loves me and not out for visa.)

It continues.

X- If I had much money we could stay in Jordan, many couples do. ( Which is true)

Y- We cannot stay there, you think you can stay there but you dont know middle east.

X- Why should that be a problem if people have the money?

Y- The money isnt the problem, there are many "wolves" there( meaning bad people), you think you can make it but you cant, I know this.

X-You dont know me, maybe you are wrong.

Y- No I am not wrong. ( I still think he is)

After much back and forth like this and a little laughing in between because of the twenty years I could stay in Jordan and the wolves, I say this:

X- Well I dont want to live forever in my country, if I didnt know you I would go stay in Jordan, like I said early on when we met( I say this partly out of fear and partly because I wanted this early on because of my fear) but recognize I have to face my fears and there´s still no way to escape it, feeling the fight or flight response.

Suddenly I say with a vague voice that if he leaves me( which I am afraid of and he knows this) I will go stay in Jordan

Y-What?

X- If you leave me I can go stay in Jordan

I think my husband said something like dont say/thinking like that.

I say with vague voice again Maybe I have to marry someone else and stay in Jordan.

My husband say with vague strange voice : yes maybe you have to/ will marry someone else.

I dont remember what I said after this, but we were ok,but I felt sad. After we finish talking I felt sad and had to txt him apologizing for saying I maybe had to marry someone else if he left me. And said I say much crap out of fear. He said as usual its ok and that he understand and that not to worry

Why do I talk like this? what is happening with me? is it normal to talk like this when having fear?

[randomperson]

He is right lots of parts of the Middle East can be rough for women.

I am unsure if he was using this as an excuse or just talking to you sharing his concern.

You are in a tough spot and I feel for you. My spot looks like it is coming to a close. Custody is over. She will be stuck in another state and me in mine.

I have to either accept things as they are or move on.

In that harsh realization I noticed one thing too much of my happiness who I am was linked to her. That essentially allowed her to control my life and hurt our relationship as friends or otherwise. Regardless of her intentions or feelings to me it is not healthy for me to do this. It is something I am working on changing.. just very hard to do.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi randomperson,

its true its rough down there but I think still I would be ok if we had enough money as many couples like us do live down there. I think its more he doesnt want to stay there because in the end of the conversation he said with pressure on his words "maybe--- I---dont---want---to-- stay---in---Jordan, he was obviously annoyed.

I still wonder is there anywhere I can read about my behavior as I want to know if this is common in having fear?

[randomperson]

I am so sorry.. I am with you in your pain. It is more difficult for you than me because you are married. You are like I was split seeing two different view points and that is very stressful on its own. My thoughts and worries ended up killing off the struggling friendship/relationship I was in. Be it good or bad I still don't know.