too late and all alone

[black hole]

depression is no stranger to me, ive lived it with hanging over me for years now, the tablets dont work anymore, talking doesnt work and im now doing something i promised i would never do and that is to let the depression win.

i cant fight it no longer, i no longer have the energy

i cause nothing but grief and upset to others with how i am, im no longer the person i was years ago, now im just a stranger.

im sick of seeing my doctor, sick of crying and then for them just to give you more prescriptions of more drugs that are not going to work. sick of him saying i need to see a counseller yet never being any closer on the waiting list, sick of being seen as a silly woman who just needs to get on with it.

this is the first time i am now looking at the only cure and agreeing with it.

ive looked at it before but i was weak. i may be weaker in everything else but knowing if i do it i get the cure makes me strong enough

[Mark]

Black,

It's okay to say you are feeling suicidal if that is how you are feeling. We just don't want depictions of how it would be done, or evidence that you are actually planning to do it. But talking about the feelings is good.

I'm guessing that you are feeling suicidal from your choice of language:

this is the first time i am now looking at the only cure and agreeing with it.

We've got lots of information on suicide you might want to read in our suicide topic center, by the way.

Here's the thing. Depression sucks. in some cases depression responds to antidepression medications (e.g., tablets), but sometimes it doesn't. There are other forms of treatment available besides pills. There is very good workable psychotherapy available, most primarily, in the form of cognitive behavioral (behavioural? are you in UK?) therapy. Given how bad things seem to be right now, it would seem make sense to do whatever you needed to do (including finding a way to pay for such therapy out of pocket if that is the only way to get it) in order to get access to it. Not just any therapy (becuase not all therapies are helpful for depression), but cognitive behavioral therapy in particular which is known to be helpful for depression.

The core technique is called reframing or restructuring, and you can read about that in this essay that I've written some time ago.

Hope this is at least somewhat helpful to you.

Mark

[sheryl]

Maybe it would be a good idea to see a counsellor i see one and she's very good, you may find it extremely helpful to see someone, if you see a counseelor they can help you and your not alone there's always people out there w3ho you can relate to don't feel alone

[texasgirl]

Black,

It's okay to say you are feeling suicidal if that is how you are feeling. We just don't want depictions of how it would be done, or evidence that you are actually planning to do it. But talking about the feelings is good.

I'm guessing that you are feeling suicidal from your choice of language:

We've got lots of information on suicide you might want to read in our suicide topic center, by the way.

Here's the thing. Depression sucks. in some cases depression responds to antidepression medications (e.g., tablets), but sometimes it doesn't. There are other forms of treatment available besides pills. There is very good workable psychotherapy available, most primarily, in the form of cognitive behavioral (behavioural? are you in UK?) therapy. Given how bad things seem to be right now, it would seem make sense to do whatever you needed to do (including finding a way to pay for such therapy out of pocket if that is the only way to get it) in order to get access to it. Not just any therapy (becuase not all therapies are helpful for depression), but cognitive behavioral therapy in particular which is known to be helpful for depression.

The core technique is called reframing or restructuring, and you can read about that in this essay that I've written some time ago.

Hope this is at least somewhat helpful to you.

Mark

Mark,

So I went and checked this place out

The Nature of Suicide, I found the link in the above post you wrote.

So what can or can't you post there in that forum?

[digger]

I know how you feel, i m going through alot of what you are , its hard its even harder to keep going, ive been thinking of suicide, i dont recomend that to anyone, there must be away to live, and have a good life, i just havent found it myself. dont give up

[Mark]

So - it's okay to post about suicidal feelings here in this Depression forum- so long as you are posting about feelings and thoughts and not actual plans. What we don't want to have posted here are actual suicidal plans, or reports about a suicide in progress. The reason is that we want to support people so that they feel better, not help them harm themselves. We will delete posts where people are talking about actual suicidal plans or reports on suicide episodes in progress - so if that happens it shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

If you do post about suicidal feelings and thoughts here, please mark the title of your post with a [!] so that people have warning that there might be triggering content in your post. That is a courtesy to those who are feeling sensitive but not every one does.

Suicidal feelings and thoughts are *very common* to people who are in the midst of a depression, or ongoing chronic sequela of abuse or trauma (like PTSD), and also to people with certain personality disorders like Borderline PD. There are lots of people out there who will relate to having them. Knowing you are not alone helps people to feel better and less ashamed.

[acolvin]

Greetings:

I'm new here, so excuse my blathering, but your post caught me hard.

This may be something you don't want to hear, but I've been where you are, and its not a pretty place to be. I remember when I had that major episode which spiraled down to suicidal ideation which sent me to the clinic and they told me what was wrong. I was 40 and finally had a name for everything wrong in my life: untreated mental illness. Who knew?? MDD reacurrent, in technical jargan.

I went on the meds, and endured the side effects, and ended up at a half-way house so long, I eventually became the owner.

That might seem like a happy ending, but eventually I had to closed the halfway house, , and during our last few months of operation, I'd gone off my meds. So, by the time the halfway house was closed, I was well into the depths of -- yes -- another episode. I spiraled down again, and went to see a counselor to whom I made the mistake of giving the details of my suicide plan, and she ambushed me with two cops who gave me the ultimatum of riding with them to the psych hospital, or taking a clinic-paid taxi. Guess which one I chose? Silly lady. Imagine trying to save my life? Didn't she get that I was perfectly cable of wrecking it, left untreated??

I stabalized over 48-hours at the hospital and left town where I proceeded to try to "self-medicate" with booze in my new city. Bad idea, but at least the racing thoughts and irritability weren't so bad. I did manage to hook up with a state-subsidized program that provided meds, therapy, etc, and have been in that program ever since. I've also held several jobs, gone through half a dozen half-way houses, made and lost friends and lovers, and am currently back in school pursuing a degree. So why am I here?

I recently took matters in hand -- again-- and went off my meds. I've been toughing out the side effects for no good reason other than the side effects of the meds bother me. But what's my real choise? Leave the meds and support alone and end up 6 feet under, or walk the road less traveled and do the best I can, ask for help and try to see that I am not my disease no matter the hardships? I see my Dr. again on May 1 and am going to explore a new support group Monday. Misery and me are becomming bitter enimies, and I'd like to learn how to keep it that way.

See, I have a bad habit of being a kind-of come-back kid. Just when my disease thinks it has me finally licked I pull a fast one and say, well, here's one big fat black eye for you before I go. For reasons which will always baffle me, there's a fighter in me that refuses to give up. I hope you can find yours. Try to remember that when you're at your worst, your disease is at its best. I personally think its suppose to be the other way around. I don't know if any of this helps you, but it helps me to get it out.

Peace.

A