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I might fool myself with my emotions?


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I dont know what is happening to me, but I feel scared am I fooling myself and my emotions now. In between, the latest week, I have had little moments (just for some seconds) where I have been saying to myself "my ptsd may be, in reality, an overreaction". (Because I do indeed read that it is.) I was reflecting over what I just said for some seconds, not sure should I trust that, but asked myself further: "because how come I didnt have this fear before it all started?". Why did my brain work differently? If I am the only one feeling so intense about this, that the images get so strong, then it must mean they are not the same strong for my husband? because what I feel his horrible.

I had thoughts if it really was so, that my fear was an overreaction, why couldnt I try to think about how it was before it all started. So I did and in that moment my anxiety did let go a little bit for a second.

I asked myself just now what would happen if I sent that web page to him? Would I be brave enough to do that, just as a start? As I know I did panic yesterday. I still feel uncomfortable doing it, but I am asking myself how would I feel after I did that? would my husband still love "me" and think good of me? would it turn out that life still would go on and I was still accepted? would I be able to feel that I still was worth the same as before I sent the web page? and if so was wouldnt that mean that nothing had changed? he still loved me, wouldnt that be a good feeling to possess?

Would I feel free? having let myself out from the prison, if it was only a footstep out of that prison? Because I am in a prison.

I feel an excited feeling, I think I will send him that page tomorrow. It cannot possible be that bad I am thinking. I say to myself" I know he has watched the most bad there is, why would he look at those women on that web page when he already has seen a sex movie"?

I dont know where this gut is coming from, but I hope it will stay there tomorrow. I know my heart will race and I know I will have thoughts he may search till he find those women with bading suits while talking with me only to abuse me. But maybe he doesnt. I hope I will not feel too humiliated. Because if he looks at me while looking at them it is horrible for me. Not because of comparing, but because of some nudity. Nudity to me is shame and humiliation, together with my man.

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