Abuse

[Solstice]

I'm feeling so bad right now that I don't know what to do. There's a long story leading to where I am, but the short part is this: my mother was physically and verbally abusive to me growing up. She left me with a ton of emotional scars and massive self-esteem issues. I hate what she did to me. It makes me sick to even think about it. But the problem is that now, when I get scared or angry or hurt, I lash out (verbally only) at my husband. Last night, after yet another bout of me crying and screaming at him, he called me an abuser and told me I have been abusive to him throughout our relationship.

Hearing that destroyed me. I literally can't stand myself anymore. I don't want to be anything like my mother, but I am. And I don't know what to do. Multiple tries at therapy haven't helped. Multiple tries at self-help haven't helped. I remain the same person, a person I hate. Most of the time, I wish I was dead. Some of the time, I imagine suicide, though that seems even more selfish than anything my mother ever did to me. I just wonder if I should give up, stop trying to be better, and go live alone where I can't hurt anyone else.

[Sherzade]

May i ask you what kind of therapy did you do and for how long?

I have been in therapy for 9 years and i still ask myself the same questions about change. Sometimes if feel that i haven't changed at all, but the reality is that i have changed a bit, but painfully slowly.

Perhaps you can suggest to your husband to get support in setting boundaries. That may help you controlling your aggression.

It is hard to feel that you can't stop harming people that you love and love you. I had outbursts of sadism followed by a crisis of guilt and i too just wanted. I am not in a relationship at the moment because i fear that i won't be able to control my aggression. I too don't want to harm anyone, but sometimes... it speaks so much louder. I really would like to be able to be in a relationship. But then again, my friend who had an accident and lost his legs and sexual organs won't be in a relationship.

There is a lot to life. My opinion: giving up is not a choice. Keep trying.

[Solstice]

I've tried a few different types of therapy. Mostly cognitive-based, though for a while I was seeing a psychiatrist whose focus was more on medication than talk. Overall, I've spent several years in therapy, on and off.

In terms of enlisting my husband's help, he's not willing to work with me anymore. He has basically cut me out of his life and treats me as a roommate.

Maybe, like you, the better answer is for me to not be in a relationship right now. Maybe I'm just too damaged. I don't know.

[Sherzade]

I think the same about me, that i am too damaged. On the other hand, there are a certain type of men (that i usually go for) that bring the worst out of me. I would like to try again and i probably will if i meet someone that can work with me on my difficulties. I hope i will meet another person like that.

Solstice, i understand your pain and despair, but i can only hope and that's what i do. I hope. Meanwhile i try to see other perspectives of life, other ways of finding enjoyment, other meaningful relationships where i feel safer. If that is what i can do at the moment, then that is what i do. Still trying though to become a better person. And not successful many times.

Sometimes a longer and consistent psychotherapy, without on and off periods, is helpful to work on problems like the one you describe. It may help you look at what is the root of your behaviour, acknowledge the feelings and internal experience in a meaningful relationship with a therapist. Have you thought of trying another approach?