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Abuse and therapy........


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I'm struggling a lot at the minute in therapy! I have been to 10 sessions so far and I have only recently been able to disclose my childhood as an abusive one (physically and emotionally). I only described one incident that happened but as soon as I did I wanted to shout out that it wasn't true, that I had lied or to forget that I had said anything. I wanted to take it all back! That was 3 weeks ago....naturally on wednesday at our next session the counsellor wanted to talk about it! I couldn't though...so just kept saying 'don't know' which is true in a sense because I couldn't actually process any thoughts nor did I want too really!

But what my problem is not really therapy itself, although that's hard in its own right but its when I leave therapy. I seem to just crash for days after it...everything is so dark and I get really depressed to the point where I hurt myself or consider suicide as a better option. Yesterday I was unable to get out of bed until late afternoon then when I did I couldn't get dressed or eat, it was about 9pm last night before I was able to function normally! Its exhausting having to always peel myself of the floor after therapy and it seems like I'm just getting my act together when I have to go again! To make things worse I am a final year nursing student and have so much weighing on the next few months! I just can't keep this up, its too hard.

I think maybe I made a mistake going into therapy, its just things were beginning to escalate out of control for me and I was scared. I have been suffering alone with depression on and off for the past 6 years, the last time I thought about suicide on a daily basis and began self-harming to cope. I have also got other issues, like with anxiety and a 'touch' phobia. I can make friends but never allow them to see this side of me or know anything about my past, I don't trust anyone to see me vulnerable. It seems that includes the counsellor because I can't say what I mean only what I think she wants me to say!

A year ago I went out with friends and got pretty drunk! I got separated from my 'girl' friends and was with one of male friends. We started kissing and he was touching me, I asked him not too but he wouldn't listen, I told him to stop several times but he wouldn't listen, then I dissociated. He took my hand and we went to a more secluded area and he had sex with me while I just lay there. I couldn't tell him to stop because I couldn't find my voice! I don't blame him for anything but I didn't want to have sex basically I just couldn't communicate that to him so he didn't know that.

I don't know why I said that................

Basically all I want to know is.....Why does therapy make you feel so much worse coming out of it, than you feel going into it???? I wonder should I quit until my studies are finished but then I want to travel so I know I would never go back! I'm just at a cross roads with this one! I think I find it hard placing the intensity of my current emotions (if I am able to figure out what they are) with what happened as a child, I fail to make that connection (so my counsellor says) because honestly I don't think it was that bad and I'm just making a big deal over nothing really! Sorry this is all so long! Any help or advice with this one would be greatly appreciated!

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I think therapy might bring the process of you opening up yourself and that might scare you. Especially if you feel that there are things that are painful and hard to talk about. Is there any way that you didnt have to wait so long inbetween visits like could set it up every 2 weeks or every week. Does your counselor know about you crashing after visits, I think its important that she knows that and maybe you two could come up with a plan to help you winedown after sessions.

I think it could be kind of difficult to have to react right on the spot or pull things out of you right away that might be painful to say. Do you think you could write things out that are on your mind when your away from her and just give it to her and maybe also write in there that you find it hard to speak when asked abunch of questions about things that are hard to acknowledge. She might know how to handle the situation better then and a better way to approach some things with you.

I also think it could be good to try and not be alone after therapy, even if you didnt really want anyone to know to much but could set it up so you have somewhere to go or someone to be with right after sessions or for you to stay busy the first couple days after leaving one. I think its good for you to reach out and even short term therapy could be really beneficial for you to have a safe place to let things out that you dont really feel comfortable anywhere else.

Hope this helps alittle:)

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