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Why do I want to cheat? (trigger?)


Nessie
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I'm a gay man that has been in a relationship with another man for 4 months now. For the past month, I've been really starting to fantasize about having sexual encounters with other people.

The fantasies are primarily voyeuristic or exhibitionistic and don't necessarily involve any kind of actual physical contact. This invariably happens with every relationship I've been in.

The chances of breaking down and acting on my impulses usually starts to appear 3 months in and I usually will act on it within the first year if the relationship lasts that long. My longest relationship lasted about 7 years.

I'm seeing a sex therapist every two weeks for small penis syndrome and I can certainly talk with him about this but I just need to make it through the week without breaking and doing something I might regret.

Speaking of which, I don't know that I fully understand why I consistently end up wanting to cheat around...and ultimately doing it.

Theories include, I'm insecure about my penis and so I feel like I need validation from other people. My current partner is somewhat larger than me so I've been fantasizing about ways to find someone more my size, hoping that it brings some comfort (damn, until I suppose I want to cheat on him too! :) )

My father cheated on my mother, including with her best friend and with my mother's sister-in-law! I hated my father for this kind of behaviour and yet I wonder if I'm repeating it somehow because of him???

Perhaps I somehow want out of my current relationship so i'm going to explore other options and hope I either find someone better or I'm going to use the cheating to sabotage my current relationship?

Maybe humans are not inherently monogamous but we try to do it anyway to avoid emotional complications (say, jealousy)....? It's a nice way to try to rationalize the apparent desire for variety that I have but maybe there's something to it?

I know, everyone is probably unique but I wonder if there are any known personality aspects that cheaters have in common?

Like I said, I'm just going to try to make it through this week but I'm already putting out feelers for cheating options. I'm having a hard time making myself want to stop and was hoping for useful insight here.

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  • 2 months later...

Nessie,

I think people are too complex to analyze and say that they are not inherently monogamous. I know some people may not be, but sexuality differs from region to region and culture to culture. In fact, they have found a nuclear family that is 4600 years old. I am posting a link to the article below:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2008/nov/18/archaeology-germany-dna-nuclear-family

I think some people have more of a roaming eye than others. I am more the type that would rather find someone that I am comfortable with and is comfortable with me for the long-term. Not to say that I did not have other partners, but now I want to settle down. Not everyone is this way.

It is my belief that some people can make an open relationship work, and if that is your preference, then I think it has to be established from the beginning. It just hurts people if you are not honest about it, and going from a monogamous relationship to an open one doesn't always seem like it will work.

Maybe you are doing these things because you fear being accepted, and when the relationship gets really deep, you bail. I have heard, as you stated above that most cheating has to do with insecurity, but I don't know if that's true or not. Anyways, I hope you find your answers, and I would be curious to know a little more about what you have discovered.

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