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emptyness


hootie
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I feel empty inside with no more joy in my life no hapiness. I am always sad and afriad . Sad about having to live in a world that is nothing more than illusion. Afraid to go outside to the store because people look at me as if they know that I am lifeless, its like they are laughing at me. Sometimes they look at me and whisper. Only if I could hear what they are saying maybe I could show them reality. My fear keeps me from talking to them My girlfriend thinks I am crazy.It least that is what she says. I am sooo tired and yet I often can not sleep and if I do I wake up and still feel tired. I am afraid of what has happened to me. the person that I have become. I see a social worker once a month for what I do not know .I take medication like bupropion and trazadone but it does not help me get out of this black hole I am in. I have not seen my doctor since january. I can not afford another I have not worked since last july. I think I am going mad. I am afraid I am going mad. How does one know if they are going mad? I have no life worth living no joy no happpines. this black hole keeps sucking me in. I struggle to get up and out but it just keeps pulling me. I am sooo tired . growing week from the struggle. see myself slipping in. What can I do what can I do to stop the madness? My heart beats fast my head sweats my hands tremble . I have been to the hospital before xmas but they did not help me. I still feel the pain. I am afraid. What is wrong with me? they say I am depressed and it will take time for me to heal. I think I am running out of time. my end is drawing near, They use me like anyonther resource to make money. I am only a way to make money. Not human just a resource. I am sooo tired sooo sad into the darkness slipping ever farther.

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Hootie,

Welcome. I'm glad that you've come by to hello here, and hope that you will find this a welcoming place where you can find some community.

You sound very depressed, possibly to the point where you are experiencing some delusions or paranoid thoughts. Have you shared this with your doctors? In any event it would be a good idea to make more frequent contact with your doctors. If you are in the United States, there ought to be a community mental health center near you where you can get some care even if you are disabled and cannot pay for it.

Mark

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Mark

Thank you for listening to my rant. I feel depressed every day now, no joy no happiness. I would like to go see a different doctor. I am so tired of living like this . I am in need of an escape, something that will help me forget. I am not disabled but I think I should be. I am a verteran and meet with my doctor at the VA but have not seen her since I signed in just before xmas. All I ever see is the social worker and I do not think that she listens to what I am saying.. I have told her how hard it is for me to come see her both mentally and physically and finacially. I know I need help but I am afraid to leave the house and meet new people. Inside of me is some courage left but it takes a lot for me to go anywhere and then when I do I am always disappointed. Other than doctors saying I am depressed and it will take time to heal I really have no clue why I cannot seem to function or be happy. Somethings inside of me coloring my world in gray and black. I do not know what it is, but its there. I need relief, I long to be happy again. I am alone or feel alone all the time, even when I am with my girl friend. I think she is wanting me to leave. I have no where to go. I have spent the last ten years with her and have no where to go. I am afraid I will be homeless in a world that I am afraid of. people that I am afraid of. I feel like I am supposed to be doing something but I can not figure it out. When I am in public people stare at me and I hear them whisper and I think why me am I that different do they see my fear . I try to hide it when I am out. Do they see the sweat on my face, can they hear my heart beat? I ave been thinking about going to the hospital like some of your articles suggest. I took 2 of your tests and It said I am major depressed and need to see a doctor and I took another test and it said I was moderat manic. I am afraid to go because I can not pay a real doctor and if I go to the VA they will just scuffle me along. I know they are busy but if they could just be me for a day they would want to help I am sure. Mark thank you for your having listened to me, maybe one day I will know peace.

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Guest h8cruelty

I'm there for you. I've been there. I care. You have a friend. Life sux sometimes. But there is hope. Call me- I gave you my #. I'm always here to listen to what has been going on in your life. I care about you. Please contact me, by phone or email. I'm here, and I care.

Survivor

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Survivor

Tell me why am I afraid to go out in public, why I feel so depressed all the time, why I think people are watching me, why I hear them whisper about me, why do I have no joy or hapiness any more. Why do I feel like life is so much a struggle just to be. Why I can get no relief from this blackness that surrounds me.

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I was reading another post and I thought a good question was just blown by. Why is it so important to supposedly save lives. Save it for what? If a person gets no joy or happiness what is the point. We as a people raise children and try to instill in them the importance of life, yet these children are beaten and abused or go into professions which are considered high risk and end up dead. Hell, we create wars so we can kill people. So I want to know what makes life so important, we all go away in the end. If we live to an old age we can say we made it only to die anyway. Why live if your life is full of suffering? I don't believe it makes us stronger. Stronger for what death?

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Hoot,

Can I give you some feedback? Survivor made you a very generous offer, and instead of acknowledging the kindness of that offer, you've launched into a set of demanding questions. It's a rare thing in this world to have someone reach out to you, and I'd hate to see you blow it off without at least thinking carefully about what you're doing.

It sounds like you are wanting to advocate for the right to commit suicide because you are feeling badly. Me personally, I think that is an understandable desire when you are in the middle of a very severe depression, but I also think that if some intervention (or just time) can be found which will lift some of that depression, that the desire will go away. And that is the answer to the question. We don't condone suicide becuase we know that in the vast majority of cases depression can be lessened to a significant extent or helped to remit entirely and the urge and need to suicide will go away. If we helped a person in the middle of a depression (such as yourself) to go in a suicidal direction, you might not make it to the other end to find out that truth for yourself.

Honestly, it sounds to me like your depression has a psychotic component, meaning that you are feeling paranoid and possibly hearing voices in addition to just the low mood and suicidal ideation characteristic of regular major depression. I think it could be a good idea to report these suspicions of yours and the whispering you hear to your doctor at the earliest possible time, becuase they might be able to adjust your medications to help with this stuff.

Mark

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Mark,

To give you some feedback, I do appreciate what survivor has offered me and we have spoken to each other privately, I also appreciate your comments and suggestions. I asked the questions because I am trying to rationalize the importance of continuing on. I have and continue to experience a dullness that is ever present, every waking moment of my life. I am at a point to where I need to decide if there is any reasonable explanation for continuing on this way. I understand that my position is not unique but my feelings are very real to me and I can not understand why I changed from this hard working, caring person that I used to be into some sorta freak. Yes I hear whispers and yes I believe people are talking about me in some clandestine way. I do not need to be reminded of it, for I live it and am quite tired of dealing with it. My hope was to find some insight into why it is so important that I carry on this struggle. I think I have made an important step in trying to understand this by opening up to people I do not even know. It was not my intention to hurt Survivor, as a matter of fact he asked me to ask him what ever I wanted to know and I could tell him what ever I was thinking, Survivor said he was my friend so I took him for his word. Mark, it was not my intention to offend you and I realize I would be better served seeing a doctor but I first have to overcome a few obstacles. Thank you for your help.

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Guest h8cruelty

Hootie,

No offense taken whatsoever. You're going through a hellish time. We're all here to try to help one another. And yes, you are taking a very positive step by writing to us. Please keep doing that. We're here for you.

Survivor

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest h8cruelty

Wow, thanks Mark, for making Hootie feel like an insect. Good job. You may be surprised to find that Hootie is actually a good, decent, even fantastic human being. He's going to survive, as I have survived. I'm there for him. You can do whatever it is you do.

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