Severe Sexual Obsessions - What to do?

[Signe]

I live in Sweden and I am 22 years old. I have had severe Sexual Obsessions for the last few years - No, more than a few years, since I was about 16, I think. Online, I have seen people write about their Sexual Obsessions, but they all just have stupid stories about how they worry they might be gay against their will.

For one thing: That is nothing compared to what I have to go through! Another thing: Even though that's a big problem for the people who deal with that, it is either way very different from my problem and therefore, we cannot relate to each other's problems just because they come under the same category of "Sexual Obsessions".

The kinds of Sexual Obsessions I get are of the type - "What if I'm subconsciously attracted to ... ? What if I subconsciously wanna f*** ... ? What if I'd actually enjoy f***ing ... ?" and then I get physical feelings, like the object or person is trying to arouse me, telling me "Admit you like it, whore! Admit you like/would like raping/being raped by me or else I will keep raping you!"

So, I feel it physically. It is NOTHING like being sexually aroused. It is like imagining someone try to arouse you, rape you, penetrate you against your will and you feel the motion and the wetness, not in a nice way, a sick, painful, dirty wetness, like someone putting their fingers in you, while you're struggling to be left alone.

The things I imagine raping me are - Friends, family members, enemies, celebrities, corpses, animals, children, objects, garbage, random people or whatever brings my daily nightmares at the moment. Compared to this, I don't understand why people are complaining about fears of being gay against their will. They have no idea what suffering really is like.

There are different ways the thoughts may hit me - For example, I might think something like "What if I'm subconsciously attracted to ... ? No, I'm only attracted to my boyfriend. But what if I was aroused by my boyfriend while I thought that? That means I'm admitting to thinking the thought in the first place! Just thinking about ... is just an Obsession, but thinking of my boyfriend is not an Obsession, so I must have thought of him for real, which means I'm acknowledging thinking of ... in the first place!" Tricky situation.

Another type is having an animal or infant on your lap and they accidentally kick or rub against my crotch and I think "What if I was actually sexually aroused by that? What if I actually liked having ... rub against my genitals, then that would make me a pervert and I would have to die, because I couldn't live with myself if I was such a horrible person! Now I need to shower, wash my clothes, wash everything I've touched and convince myself I wasn't sexually aroused by ... , otherwise it means I'm a pervert and everything I do from now on will be tainted with my perversion!"

Yet another example - Someone makes a joke about a sexually deviant act and I get forced images in my head of someone having sex with ... and I force myself to feel ... f***ing me, but I hate it and I hate it so much I can barely stand my existence. I feel myself being f***ed by ... and then I think "No, I don't want to be f***ed by ... , I only ever want to be f***ed by my boyfriend" and then I imagine myself being f***ed by my boyfriend, but not on purpose, as the thought of being f***ed by ... doesn't make me think of sex with my beloved boyfriend, so I think "What if I was actually aroused by that thought of my boyfriend? Then that means I admit that being f***ed against my will by ... is in any way relatable to having sex with my beautiful boyfriend or that the feelings would in any way be similar or equal, which is of course not true, as there is a big difference between being raped by ... against your will and having sex with someone you love, voluntarily." Another tricky situation.

Then there are the things that just sort of pop up out of nowhere - Like, I'm reading about/talking to/watching a TV show about/talking about a person/animal/object/subject and I suddenly just feel it raping me without warning, then I just think "Since I just so spontaneously started feeling like ... was raping me, without having a conscious Obsessive thought about it first, that must mean I am simply perverted and that these are my natural, sick thoughts and thus I am not worthy to live on this planet and everything I do will be tainted with my perversion, like a drop of poison in a soup - So I must disconnect with all people and all commitments to keep myself from contaminating the rest of the world with my sickness!"

Yet another Obsessive thought that bothers me is - Once, I actually DID get attracted to someone who wasn't my boyfriend, I was attracted to someone, against my will, while I was already in a relationship and it WAS natural attraction and not an Obsessive thought. Then that means... Some of my Obsessive thoughts could actually be my own attractions, but against my will? Wouldn't I know the difference, though? The difference between being attracted to someone else than your own boyfriend against your will and having Obsessive thoughts about attractions you do not really have? How does one tell?

So, these thoughts I have, they might be about anyone who is not my boyfriend, anyone I know, members of my family, children, animals, corpses, objects, specific sex acts that I find disgusting, whoever disgusts me, whoever I would be disturbed by being attracted to (anyone but my boyfriend, really), anything or anyone really off-putting, inappropriate, disturbing or horrible, YOU, YOUR children, YOUR pets, YOUR dead relatives, YOUR household objects, YOUR sounds and movements or basically anything at all.

I do not know of anyone with such severe Sexual Obsessions as I or anyone with such a wide range of subjects in the Obsessions or anyone else who really feels it physically or anyone else who has to shower and wipe furniture and clean anything they've touched so they don't taint the world with their sickness. I feel disgusting and alone, unworthy of love and hopeless. I doubt any psychiatrists or psychologists know even enough to help those who whine about fears of being gay against their will, let alone could they help me with what I'm going through. Psychiatrists are emotionless and just want money, private citizens are mean and hostile, support groups are slow and full of people who just want to whine about their own trivial problems, rather than offer support to others, helplines and online chat support just want to make 3 bucks a minute to give you their crappy, repetitive advice for your desperate problems. I have no idea what to do.

For now, I guess I just have to keep convincing myself I didn't think that and I didn't feel that and I'm not attracted to that and I didn't feel aroused by my own boyfriend as a result of trying to convince myself someone or something else couldn't arouse me. I'll just have to keep showering, changing my clothes, cleaning everything I touch and feeling dirty and disgusting and lock myself away from the world.

Besides, who cares? My friends just want to be friends with the happy-go-lucky me with the crazy sense of humor and random knowledge of different subjects, the me who always has something nice to say and isn't afraid to act like a weirdo. They wouldn't give a f*** if I told them that everyday, I have to deal with having nightmares of being raped, even when I'm not asleep. They wouldn't give a f*** that my life sometimes feels so heavy and so hopeless.

And about professional help - Well, one psychiatrist I had (and she didn't even know about my Sexual Obsessions) was really abusive and cruel, didn't give a f*** about my well-being, just wanted to accuse me of all sorts of insanity when I simply needed help with my ANXIETY and DEPRESSION.

Otherwise, professional help in general - Not just in psychiatry or even medicine - It seems like people who get paid the most do the least. "Look at me, I'm a big fancy doctor, I help people, which makes me a good person, so I totally deserve all the money, insurance, luxury and vacations I get! I'll just go through my patients one by one, case 1, case 2, case 3, case 4, now I'll move on and let them deal with their lives, whether they feel better or not, I just have to tell them the same repetitive things I tell everybody, I don't need to, like, get involved with their lives and emotions and shit like that, because I'm a big important doctor who saves lives!"

I think a lot of the time, people who do things as charity do twice as much, twice as well as those who get paid - Say, if you volunteer to help sick people, for no money, then you would try your best to take care of those people, without having any pay, insurance, vacation or respect to look forward to. Professionals - Not all, but many, many - Have all their money and fancy stuff and still a lot of the time just go through their patients or clients like they're just numbers on a paper! Doctors, teachers, lawyers, social workers... Don't forget why you wanted that job in the first place! And don't say "money"!

That's just my story - Well, a small part of my story, a summary of the part of my story related to Sexual Obsessions, obviously there is a lot more to me, a lot more problems and bad things, but obviously there are also good things in my life. My lovely boyfriend, my friends, my cats and my cousins mean the world to me.

[Jack's Smirking Revenge]

For obsessive thoughts one person I knew who had a pretty bad case of OCD was able to manage his a lot by using ERP therapy. Having OCD in my life I'm going to give it a shot as well.

[AllOver]

First off, I've come across many people who have sexual fantasies of being raped, I'm not completely sure if it's uncommon or not, but you are most certainly not alone on the concept.

Though, if it is getting you to this point you seem to be describing, where it invades your life often and at inappropriate times and that is something that bugs you getting help for it is important.

I've spent years trying to find a therapist and psychiatrist that actually help me progress for the better(Finally found a therapist, but I'm stuck with my current psychiatrist because few of them accept insurance.). It's a lot of seeking to find someone who can help you a lot of the time, heck my one before this one said I should go on a trip to Italy(Which in itself makes me anxious) a few weeks after I got out of a mental ward for getting stable after a suicide attempt! So much for compassion, right?

I know that doesn't seem like much help, but finding someone who can be a support for you with an outside view is important. Even more so someone who makes -you- feel comfortable is important. What help is therapy if your therapist is a jerk, right?

I don't know if you know anyone else who goes for mental health issues, but if you do ask them who they see and what they think of them, perhaps you'll strike gold. I found mine on a database for therapists here, I don't know if Sweden has such a thing but if they do it's a good idea to look in to it.

Also! A lot of people working in mental help will have specializations (i.e. couple's councilor, children, sexual distress, ect.) see if any of them have anything particularly directed to your scenario.

I wish you the best, I hope you can get yourself to be comfortable and happy. c: