Change

[shanrucas]

As I sit here...after getting an unusal amount of sleep..My mind is trying to kick into gear..many things have been racing through..I know that staying home and caring for my mother without much help does not do it much good. And I tend to have moments where I don't even make sense to myself.

I have been thinking about change..change in my life, change in the future, change in anything tends to be a scary thought..sometimes I think I dwell to much on it and thats how I end up scaring myself..

I feel over the years that have indured many changes, many of these changes provided personal growth and a better understanding of myself and how I came to be where I am today. I do not like where I am at the moment, many times I feel a prisoner and I don't even know when my sentence will be up so that I can move on..at the same time, would I make the same choices that put me where I am today...yes, maybe with hind sight I could of made better choices on how to do things. I tell myself all the time, that my life is not on hold..that there is a reason for this, and I will learn something,, maybe something I can share with others..that is if I can survive it all.

Some changes interrupt my routine no matter how small, it throws me off and I have difficulty adjusting. Right now I am struggling to try for a job..which leaves me yet again in a waiting position..because if I get called I have to be ready to act..I have quit my little job in the mornings...this has thrown me into a tail spin..

It seems in reality that the theme in my life is waiting, not change...waiting and wanting change and at the same time fearing it all.

I know that there are many of those out there who know and felt what I am trying to say..that is if Im making sense at the moment...Its called LIFE...life complicated by a disorder, which have battled with for a long time..but I am proud that even during the times that it feels like its winning and taking over, I some how rise above it..and beat it back down..I do not want this to define me and I feel sometimes I let it..I am who I am, disorder or no disorder..that does not change who I am.

Again..no response needed..I think I am mostly talking to myself and why I do it here...I guess its my way of reaching out. I recognize this as more Shannon ramblings..perhaps I am about to go into a slight manic mode..

[Leo1954]

I think you nailed it right on the head especially mine it does make you feel like a prisoner not just in life but,also trapped in your own mind.

No matter if you think you can run which I would love to. I also know where that certain place is I could dream someday I can.

I also think the 2 people that I love more than life itself also needs me. I know I couldn't go back to work if I tried to much damage to myself.

You make very good sense because you also are taking care of a loved one but you can dream like me & go to the same mountain under a beautiful shady tree with a cool breeze and watch the sunset on a beautiful river. It does sound nice. And as far as rambling please I think I have Made not much sense half the time I have been on here!

[shanrucas]

Thanks Leo...thanks for reminding me that we can still have our dreams..I mostly think what I was trying to say is despite it all..I am going to make the best of this situation and turn it to something..a learning...a long long learning moment. And that I want to be able to prepare myself and accept change and not let it derail me.

[watercolor]

Hi Shannon. I know it's been a long time since I've been on this forum, and I was never very active to begin with, but I decided to check it, and I saw your post. (You probably don't remember me, but that's okay, I think we may have similar issues with bipolar II maybe.) Anyway, I just wanted to say and while I definitely don't understand all the details of your post, I have to admit, I do understand what it's like to be a prisoner, and I sympathize. In my case, I feel like a prisoner of my disordered emotions and thoughts which have been debilitating, and I've also come to feel like a prisoner in my parents home. As much as my parents love me, the fact that I am in mid-twenties and feel so dependent on them despite all my efforts (e.g. lost my job due to emotions, like crying at work and having a hard time with decisions) I still feel kind of imprisoned. I also have a lot of respect for your taking care of your mom, (correct)? Anyway, while I've never myself been though that, I have seen others who have, and can sort of begin to imagine how hard that must be. Anyway, I hope things get better for you.