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Emotionally Abusive/Abusive?


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My fiance and I have been together for seven years since we were 18. We've always had a fiery, passionate and loving relationship and truly do things that most couples never get to do, and we are so in love in every way. However, we have our problems (we are both business owners and extremely stressed out individuals) and have gotten into physical fights. We've been working on this problem for 1.5 years now, almost ever since we moved in together. I have to admit that I typically initiate abuse especially after drinking, like last night I threw a picture frame at him with sharp edges (really for no logical reason) and he got so mad that he pushed me up a against the wall, choked me and pulled my hair yelling at me not to throw things at him...I know it was me who initiated it, but we are both prone to abuse and I think the 'cycle' of abuse, although not as extreme as most people...like in the above example. I have gone to therapy for my uncontrollable anger but he has not. We have indescribable highs for a very long time:confused: in our relationship, and then very low lows....but I can't help thinking about if we have children some day and I know that we can't act like this. Its so sad because it has been almost a year since we had any kind of fight like this (when he broke up with me after the physical fight) and I thought that we were through it, but now I can see that we could easily fall back into that pattern. Am I stupid for staying in a relationship where we abuse each other? Should we both go back to therapy and try to fix ourselves or should I just leave him?

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  • 3 weeks later...

What do you do when you finally realize that your relationship is fairly dysfunctional? This is a hard thing to admit, and the fact that you do shows something far greater than anything I can say. The fact is abuse of ANY KIND in a relationship is a bad thing. I should know, I am the king of emotional abuse. (Not something I'm particularly proud of.)

The thing Is yes, if you are that determined to keeping the relationship couples counseling is your only way, and you both have to be completely honest. However you have to realize that you provoke a lot of hostility towards one another (A lot of people are under stress, and they do not physically lash out). That amount of hostility speaks more to the relationship than it does to the individuals existing in it. You may have to face the real possibility that your dream relationship is not particularly ideal. And if that is true you have to ask yourself, and REALLY ask yourself. Are prepared to do what is necessary for the sake of both of you?

- Anonymous

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Yes, couples counseling is a very good idea at this point. You would become unethical and negligent or even abusive to expose children to this behavior. The both of you should go together to a marital/couples therapist and talk about these fights, how they start, how they can be prevented.

Anger management classes should be something you both take as well. In such classes, you will learn how to better identify when you are unconsciously angry (e.g., and become more aware of it before it bursts out of you). Being more aware gives you more options to take the energy in a different direction.

And here is another obvious thing, but maybe not so much to you since you are in the middle of it all. Drinking lowers your inhibitions and dumbs down your judgment. If you drink, you are more likely to fight. It's a simple equation. Why not try not drinking at all for a season (three months) and see if that helps. I realize that this may radically alter your social life, but that sort of thing may be the price to pay for the preservation of your relationship.

By the way, it is not the case that volitile people cannot have satisfying relationships. They can have them. they just need to have them with other people who are similarly volitile. Marital satisfaction surveys show that it is the mismatched couples who have more dissatisfaction. So there is hope. you need to get the violence under control, verbal and physical. The passion can stay :cool:


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